


Diremption

by honeybunchesofgoats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (also I don't know how to diagnose Reiner but he's develops a split identity), (bertl develops AvPD), 1990s, Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Avoidant Personality Disorder, College, F/F, F/M, Identity Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 15:18:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 42,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2586218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybunchesofgoats/pseuds/honeybunchesofgoats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Childhood tragedy breaks Bertlholdt and Reiner after the accidental killing of their best friend.  But they can heal, they can grow, and leaving their haunted past behind to go to college together seems like the perfect plan, right?  It appears to be so, until Bertholdt realizes that he and Reiner might be harder to fix than he thought and a "fresh start" was only the beginning to a whole new nightmare.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Portent

**Author's Note:**

> So I had originally posted this work under the same title and tags but in a journal entry kind of style of writing. But I couldn't help but think it was boring and didn't give my idea justice. So I deleted it and started rewriting it. Hope you enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prologue

You know that feeling you get when something bad happens and you know what it will result in the split second before it does, but there’s nothing you can do about it?  Like those home videos on America’s Funniest Videos of the poor person carrying the wedding cake who trips.  You see the cake splattered on the ground, you can see the shock in the wedding guests’ faces, you can feel the regret, before the cake even hits the floor.

 

Of course, we all laugh at those videos, because it’s not _our_ wedding, it’s not _us_ who dropped the cake.  Besides, it’s only a cake and you really can’t say that it completely _ruined_ the wedding.  It’s not a loud crack of breaking wood and tumbling stone and the smile on your unsuspecting best friend’s face as you look on in horror. Give me the remote. I want to hit pause.  I want to pause and rewind, go back, decide that maybe today we’ll go explore another place.  Write a new adventure on new film.  This video never happened.

 

But it did happen, and it’s not a video.  Even though it plays over and over in my mind like I caught it all on tape.  I want to eject it, I want it to stop playing.  But I _can’t_.  I can’t unplug the VCR because it’s my own damn mind.

 

I stare at the ground. My shoes.  My jeans. The knees are caked in mud and blood from where I kneeled trying to move the stones and cement.  I knew he was dead, but it’s a reaction, you know?  You want to unbury him and see him stand up and say “I’m okay, a little banged up, but I’ll live.” You know it’s a squished, mangled body.  You already felt the moment you no longer were with him, the moment he disappeared.  You already know that you’ll never see him smile again and you’ll never get him back.  But you still run to him as if he were still alive, as if he were still here with you, and you try to save him even though you knew your chance to save him passed in that split second before the cake hits the floor.  And let’s be real, there wasn’t any chance.  There was nothing you could do.  But still, you try.  God, I _tried_.

 

“Bertl?”

 

Reiner.  God, no, I put him through this.  I didn’t just kill my best friend, I killed his, too.

 

“...Bertl?”

 

His voice cracks.  It’s hoarse from screaming.  I know, my throat feels like fire too.  Everything is too hot, too, too hot and my whole body is burning.  I can’t help it, hot tears boil over and roll down my face.  I didn’t know I even had it in me to cry, to feel anything right now, but… Reiner. I brought this onto him too.  His arms wrap around me and I break.  I let it all out, sobbing and screaming into his chest.  I don’t even feel when firefighters separate us, pry my fingers from Reiner’s tshirt. I don’t feel them lift me over their shoulders and carry me out of the dust and debris.  I just scream and scream, scream until the bubbling feeling in my chest dies down, until my throat feels like it’s bleeding.

 

Marcel’s body is still in the rubble.

 

Marcel is gone and I killed him.

 

\--

 

All I hear is the tick of the clock’s second hand in otherwise quiet room.  Reiner’s hand grips mind and it _hurts_ but I don’t want him to let go.  I think it’s the only thing keeping me from floating away, out of this chair, out of the facility’s window, up into the sky, higher and higher until I’m above all this, far away.  Maybe I could find Marcel up there.

 

My mother comes rushing in and I don’t even notice until she’s cupping my face and pulling me to her chest, sobbing in my hair.  Please don’t mom, please, no.  Little kids aren’t supposed to see their mother cry.  I hide my face in the powder pink fabric of her work suit.  It’s stiff and rough and rubs my face but under the detergent scent I can smell her peach perfume and it smell so familiar, so normal.  I let it engulf me and I pretend nothing’s wrong.

 

\--

 

I watch my mother and Reiner’s parents through the window of the police man’s office.  Reiner’s mother looks angry, my mother looks desperate.  Reiner’s father looks blank.  The officer looks tired.

 

The chair’s plastic padding squeaks as I shift.

 

Our parents come back in and my mother’s heels click on the linoleum floor.  The clock ticks.  My heart beats.  Everything feels too loud and I hate it.  I cover my ears and bury my head between my knees.

 

“Bertholdt, honey?”

 

Mother, please, make it all stop.

 

“Hey, darling, look at me.”

 

I can’t.  She pulls me into a hug and rocks me back and forth.  She sits and holds me until she is asked to leave.  Reiner and I have to stay here.  We can’t go home with our parents.  Once again, my fingers have to pried apart.  I almost rip my mother’s suit’s collar.  That panicky feeling I used to get when I was younger and my mom would leave for the store and leave me with the nanny comes back.  Only tenfold. I don’t want to be here, I want to be in my bed, with my mother, in the backseat of our car, at Reiner’s, _anywhere but here_.

 

I want to go _home_.

* * *

 

_Bonus: Newspaper article_

The Maria District Daily

Sunday, Nov 20 1988

Tragedy Falls in Maria Town Park

Two young boys, Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover, age 12 and 11 respectively, caused the collapse of the abandoned Artillery Wall Mill in District Maria’s Town Park on Friday, killing a total of 54 people.  The perpetrators are from the mountain town of Forest Hills and were in town for the Annual Crafts Festival, a tradition celebrating the historical skills and trades that the Maria District is founded on.  The mill has been undergoing construction and has been an active site for the past two weeks.  According to reports, Hoover slipped and kicked one of the main support beams, which has not yet been replaced and was rotted.  The boys claimed to be exploring out of curiosity.  The first floor collapsed in and knocked down the southern wall, resulting in one of the most devastating events to take place in the last century for this quiet, peaceful town.  Among the lives lost were 7 construction workers, 46 townspeople who were gathered in the park for the festival, and Marcel Berwick, an 11 year old boy from Forest Hills that was with Braun and Hoover at the time of the incident. The usually festive and cheery atmosphere was extinguished by the dusty ruins of what was once the strong Artillery Wall and lives now lost.  There will be a memorial service in two days in the Town Park, followed by a candle lighting service that evening.  The boys are being held in District Maria’s juvenile secure detention facility to await trial.

* * *

  
 _Bonus: Letter to Bertholdt_

Dec. 30th 1988

Dear Bertl,

Happy Birthday! You're 12 like me now! Don't worry, when we go back home I will be able to get you a real birthday present.  I hear they're coming out with something called Nintendo next year... it looks SUPER cool.  When our parents stop by later with cake we can ask them for it then! Stay strong, Bertl. I know you blame yourself about Marcel and will miss him a lot today, but today we'll have fun no matter what! It's what Marcel would have wanted. I know he wouldn't blame you.

-Reiner


	2. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bertholdt's the birthday boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, sorry, they're still not in college! but their past is important, so I need to set it up before they get to the ol' university. I know there's not a lot of focus on Reiner in this chapter, but I want to address him in the next one, for sure. He's not coping too well either, even if it's not apparent here. 
> 
> ALSO as much as I want to and have TRIED to, I can't speak German so when anyone is speaking German, I'll frame their words with chevron brackets, which are these things: > instead of quotation marks.

_Wednesday, Dec 30th 1992_

 

“You alright, honey?”

 

My mother’s voice snaps me out of my daze and the blurry line of my vision clears and I focus on the brick building in front of me.  At school already. Great.  I check my watch.

 

7:45am

 

I’m on time for once.

 

“Bertholdt?”

 

I shrug and sink into my seat, the seat belt digging into my stomach.  Today was my 16th birthday.  Just a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to feel like I was about to walk to my death sentence.  Most teenagers didn’t want to bury their face in their mother’s chest and hide when they had to go school on their birthdays.  Besides, I couldn’t if I wanted to, I’m too tall now.   _Yeah, exactly.  You’re too old for this kind of behavior_.  My mom comes up to my chin.  J _ust like your father_ , she says, but I wouldn’t know. Haven’t seen him since I was two.  He stopped sending birthday cards on my 6th birthday.  Whatever.

 

“Bertl! Birthday Boy!”

 

I hardly even turn my head.  I can see Reiner bolting up to the car out of the corner of my eye.  Damn him and his summer birthday.

 

_Tap tap tap._

Yes, of course he’s tapping on the window like I’m a fish in an aquarium.  I shoot him a side eyed glance.

 

_Tap tap tap._

“Hey, Bertl. Guess what.”

 

I scrub my face with my hands.  Looks like I can’t put today off any longer, so, well, let’s get it over with.  I unbuckle with a sigh and pull up the door lock, shooting Reiner an unamused glare as I gather up my belongings.  Stupid, smiling, gorgeous Reiner.

 

“Hi Lotte!”

 

Reiner’s stupid head almost knocks into mine as he thrusts his upper body in the passenger seat to say hi to my mom as soon as I open the car door.

 

“Good morning, Reiner.  How are you feeling today?”

 

“I’m great! Today’s Bertl’s birthday!”

 

I roll my eyes and push at his oversized chest. How the hell did he get so buff, anyway?

 

“Reiner, _move_.”

 

That seems to redirect his attention and he backs out and grabs my backpack for me.  I take a moment to pinch the bridge of my nose and take deep breaths to try to stop the oncoming panic attack.  I’ve been getting better at keeping them at bay.

 

“Bertl.”

Reiner’s hand is in front of my face when I peek up at him.  I give up, there’s no more point in stalling.  His hand is warm and strong in mine and offers some security as I stand up.

 

“Bye boys, I’ll see you tonight!”

 

Reiner gives her an enthusiastic wave and I’m afraid to look at her because I know once I do I’ll want to crawl back in that car and beg her to let me stay home. Instead I stare at my shoes and mutter a weak, pathetic “bye.”

 

I have to blink back tears as I hear her car drive off. _No, please, let me go home, don’t leave me here, mom._  A squeeze to my hand makes me look up to see Reiner giving me a concerned look.  As soon as our eyes meet he smiles.

 

“There he is.”

 

“Hi, Reiner.”

 

“Hey, Bertl, guess what.”

 

“....What.”

 

“Today’s your birthday.”

 

I can’t help but give him a small smile.  Which of course, causes Reiner’s to beam.  Smiles are  like yawns for Reiner, contagious and infectious.  Once he sees your mouth turn up at its corners, his does the same.  I don’t think he could help it if he tried.

 

“Thank you, Mr. Obvious.”

 

He’s lucky I love the way the corner of his eyes crease when he grins.

 

“Gotta give my birthday boy a birthday kiss.”

 

My heart jumps in my throat-- _we’re in public, wait, no, Reiner_ \--

 

Too late.

 

His mouth is on mine and I let my eyes flutter closed, and then he’s gone and leaning down off his tiptoes.

“You’re sweating.”

 

“I’m well aware, Reiner.”

 

“You gonna open your eyes?”

 

_No. Can’t make me, I’m not here._

 

I open my eyes and look into Reiner’s bright amber ones.

 

“Happy Birthday, boyfriend.”

 

My heart swells and aches, it feels like it’s too big for my chest, it feels like I can’t _breathe_.

 

“Thank you, Reiner.”

 

I almost can’t even hear myself say it but he doesn’t seem to mind as he pulls me along to the school entrance, leads me into the crowd of students, into the restrictive hallways of the school.  I focus on breathing and let him guide me along.

 

Today was going to be tough.

 

* * *

 

“Happy Birthday Bertholdt!”

 

Reiner’s father’s booming baritone almost drowns out Reiner’s mother’s voice, but I can still pick out her heavy accent underneath.  The smell hits me before the sight does, and I can already tell Reiner’s mother has been hard at work all day preparing for dinner.  When I round the corner I can’t believe what I see, preparing all day was an understatement for the giant feast that’s laid out on the counter.

 

“Uh, wow, Hilde, you didn’t have to…” I trail off pathetically as soon as she gives me the _look_.  The look that says I’m full of shit for even thinking of trying to pull any of that modest crap on my birthday, especially with her.

 

“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to.  You’re like a son to me, a tall, dark haired son, all I got were blonds, you know.  Now come here and show this old woman some appreciation.”  I can’t help but smile as she pulls me down into what could only be described as a bear hug.  Reiner gets it from _someone_ , and I think it may just be his mother.  His mother is a short, stocky, tough lady straight from Germany, moved here five years before Reiner was born.  Her eyes are a shocking amber, like Reiner’s, and her features are sharp. Her straw blonde hair is starting to grey at the roots and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her with it out of the tight bun she keeps it in on the back of her head.  If you asked me how long Hilde’s hair was, well, I wouldn’t have an answer for you.  I think her husband Leon is the only one who knows the answer to that secret of the universe.

 

“Oi, Bertholdt you’re sweating up a storm! It’s not that hot out!”  She jokes and pats my face.  I look out the window and note it’s started to snow.  “Hey, bend over will you, don’t make an old woman strain to reach you!”

 

“Leave him be, Brünhild, he’s a teenage boy, for crissakes!”

 

Ah, Reiner’s father.  Tall and broad, he’s definitely where Reiner gets his height and build from.  He’s been a father to me since mine disappeared, and even before then.  He is loud but loving, harsh but gentle when he needs to be, and above all, he respects his family.  Reiner is so lucky to be born to such an amazing pair of people.

 

“Heya Bertl,” he smacks me on the back and squeezes my shoulder, “don’t let Brünhild coddle you, she’s always doing that to all you kids.”

 

“You mind your business, I raised these children, I get to coddle them! Now shoo, go, out of the kitchen, you’re in the way.”

 

I let out a small laugh as Hilde swats her husband away with a dish towel and trails a string of cusses in German behind him.

 

“Reiner! Reiner!”

 

“Bertl! Bertl!”

 

Two small, but loud, voices shriek from upstairs followed by a procession of thumps, which sounds like a herd of tiny elephants are charging down the stairs.  Reiner’s younger siblings, Sören and Flora, twins sporting twin bowl cuts, come barreling around the corner and latch themselves to Reiner’s and my leg.  I got Flora today.  On my right leg.

 

“Bertl! Look I losth a tooth!” Flora grins up at me with a gap in the top row of her teeth.  She giggles as I tickle her and as soon as she lets go of my pants I scoop her up and plant a kiss on her rosy cheek.  Reiner currently has a squirming Sören in an upside-down hug and I have to crouch down to give him a hello kiss as well, laughing at how his hair looks like a golden halo around his chubby face.

 

<Oi! Easy kiddo, you’re gonna kick me in the face!>

 

I have to laugh as Sören squirms to right himself in Reiner’s arms and whips his head around.  I raise my eyebrow when he holds his arms out to me and cautiously move closer.  Flora giggles and I spare her a suspicious glance.  As soon as I’m in reaching distance, Sören flings himself out of Reiner’s arms and jumps onto me, almost toppling me over.  Both twins wrap their arms, which unnaturally strong for 5 year olds, around my neck, successfully cutting off my air supply and frame my face with their own, presses their cheeks to mine.

 

“Happy Birthday, Bertl!”

 

A flash goes off and nearly blinds me and I blink confused for a moment before I see Hilde with her camera in one hand and pushing Reiner in frame with her other. Two seconds later I lose my vision to another flash and almost drop the twins.

 

<Alright, alright everyone get ready for dinner,> Hilde places her camera on the counter and address the twins, <you two wash your hands after playing in the dirt all day? Bertholdt, your mother’s going to be here soon.  Reiner, help your father set the table.>

 

I shake my arms out at the twins race off to the bathroom and start helping Hilde place food on the table, bumping into everyone at least once as we all dance around the table trying to finish our tasks.  A newspaper clipping pinned among all the school tests and pictures that clutter the fridge catches my eye and I mentally slap myself for even giving it a second thought because I _know_ what the clipping is, I’ve read it over and over, and hell, I shouldn’t be thinking of _that_ right now, of all times.  But that offending square of newsprint is all it takes for that sinking feeling that follows me around nonstop to come sneaking back.   _Our Boys Come Home_.  It’s supposed to be happy, it’s supposed to be good news, but they didn’t mention the ball and chain that is locked around my ankle, a constant weight that drags me down, wears me out, make me--

 

“Bertholdt!”

 

 _Mom_.

 

Her heels click as she walks through the foyer and then there she is, in all her beauty, standing there like a beacon of light, in her coral colored pantsuit and her gaudy oversized jewelry and her jet black hair styled into an immaculate bob, not one hair out of place.  And then she’s got me in a hug and I bend down to bury my face in her shoulder and there it is,   _peaches_ , the smell I associate with safety and love.

 

“Happy Birthday, my son.”

 

“Lotte!” Reiner shuffles around me and gives her a kiss hello.

 

<Everyone sit down! Time to eat, Time to eat!>

 

My mother smirks at me and hurries up off to the table before Reiner’s mom gets out the wooden spoon to herd us along.  She’s done it before. Many times.  I think Reiner secretly likes getting her worked up and always eggs her on when she reaches for it.  I slide into the seat next to Reiner and smile when I feel his hand on my thigh under the table.  Assuring and steady.  Reiner’s family couldn’t be any more opposite of me and my mom. They’re loud, playful, and messy, but it doesn’t bother me.  I like the way Sören and Flora start kicking Reiner under the table, I like the way Reiner’s father will steal food off his wife’s plate despite her glare, I love hearing my mother talk about her day and laugh at the twins’ jokes.  I like hearing her and Hilde gossip in the kitchen like two hens.  I like it here.  And after the table is cleared and stomachs full, Hilde brings out a home baked chocolate cake with sixteen lit candles, and I know.  I know the moment I blow out those little flickers of lights and feel Reiner wrap his arm around my shoulder.

 

_I’m home._

 

* * *

 

The Titan Gazette

Our Boys Come Home

Thursday, March 16th 1989

 

Happiness and relief fill the Braun and Hoover families as our boys are returned home with a verdict of not guilty.  The boys were tried by the juvenile justice court, despite the outrage of some townspeople.  Popular opinion was that they be tried as adults and held responsible for their actions, however, the judge had mercy and understood that while the boys were trespassing, they are young children who were in the wrong place at the wrong time and their intention was innocent.  “Living with the tragedy of what they caused is punishment enough” a local Forest Hill townsperson comments. They continue: “Our hearts go out to the two boys and their families, the Berwick family, and District Maria.”  Although, this may seem to be a positive turn of events for the boys, many are displeased with the outcome. A rivalry played out between District Maria and Forest Hills during a protest held outside the courthouse during the boys’ trial.  Signs bearing messages such as “children can be murderers too,” “go home, killers,” and “No matter the court’s decision, God will give His punishment” lined the street across the courthouse’s entrance. Police had to escort the families to and from their cars.  The families chose not to comment on these events.

 

 


	3. I Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bertholdt reminisces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waaah hope this is alright.. I tend to lose touch when there's too much exposition and no dialogue/plot. But I hope Reiner's mental state comes across enough, cause that's what I was trying to set up.
> 
> edit: I had to fix their age... I messed up on how old they were at one point (I wrote out a whole chart tracking how old they are during what years and I still messed up...)

The first time Reiner kissed me, we were 13 years old and it was Valentine’s Day.  He had slipped a letter in my locker earlier that day at school asking me out to a movie and of course I went, why wouldn’t I go?  I could tell the letter was asking so much more than a movie, if the crudely, yet sincerely drawn, heart by his name was anything to go by. I remember the warm feeling that spread in my stomach as I read the words over and over, and then the crippling panic that almost made me get hit by a school bus as I walked in the parking lot, my head in a bubble.  When I got home I read the letter again, god, I felt like all those girls in those romance movies getting swept up by the handsome, perfect boy.  But of course, I’m no girl, and Reiner, well, I’m not denying it. He is the perfect boy, to me, anyway.

Ever since I killed Marcel, he’s only ever been there for me.  I told him over and over that I didn’t deserve him, he should be mad at me, he should hate me, but if anything, he stuck by my side even more than before and I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard him say _it’s not your fault_ and _I’m the one who pushed you and made you fall_ and _Marcel wouldn’t hate you and neither do I_.

But he’s hurting, of course he is.  His face has hardened to a stony expression that looks too old for his young age.  Sometimes he spaces out, sometimes he’s hard to reach.  Sometimes he talks as if Marcel is still alive and when reality hits him, his smile cracks and his brow furrows, and he looks so lost.  But when he looks at me, he comes back, he’s always come back to me.  I don’t know how he finds strength from me, the person that caused him this pain.

\--

_June 1989_

_“Bertholdt, you were looking for this, weren’t you?”_   
  


_He holds up his father’s shaving razor and my heart stops.  I don’t know how he knew, but maybe the way I stared at his father shaving that morning, maybe it was the way he kept having to say my name twice, maybe it was the way I couldn’t eat all day.  It doesn’t matter, he caught me red handed, or rather, **not** red handed, because I couldn’t find the damn razor.  He falls to his knees and puts his face in his hands and full out sobs, and I swear at that moment my heart breaks to pieces and I regret every selfish, stupid thought I ever had about wanting to leave, to escape, to end it all.  I can’t speak, I can only crawl across the bathroom floor, across all the contents of the medicine cabinet I had thrown down, and I pull at his hands.  Show me your face, Reiner, please, I need to see what I did to you. How I hurt you. Again._

_I never want to see his face like that again._

_“Bertholdt, don’t leave me, don’t you ever leave me.”_

_“I won’t, Reiner, I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.”_

_I am such a loser._

_Reiner clutches onto me and shakes me, pulls me to his chest, buries his sobbing face into my hair._

_“Promise, Bertl, promise me you’ll never do this again.  Promise that you’ll come to me instead.”_

_“O-okay” I pathetically choke out._

_“No, promise me.”_

_“...I promise Reiner.  I promise I will always come to you.”_

_Reiner’s sobs slowly dwindle to sniffling and he pulls away and holds my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him._

_“I will not let you leave me, Bertl, I love you too much to let you go.  I will always be here, I will always catch you.”_

_I nod and close my eyes as hot, salty tears burn their way out and down my cheeks, running along the crease where his thumb meets my face._

_“You can always come home to me.”_

_\--_

I think after that incident he assigned himself the role of my protector.  He became a shadow, or rather, I became his.  His tall, weak, paranoid shadow.  He didn’t let me out of his sight.  Not from distrust, he said, but out of fear that he’d lose me.  He said he was the selfish one, but really, I was.  I’m the one who wanted to die.  I am the one who was going to leave him behind.

I can’t forgive the parents who made what they thought were discreet comments behind our backs at school functions, who always tried to “give advice” to our parents on “dealing with kids who might have a streak for misconduct,” I can’t forgive the kids who taunted us with careless remarks and exaggerated rumors.  I can’t.

But I can wake up and make it through to the end of the day because I know he’s there.  I know he’s strong enough for the both of us, and I know that makes me even _more_ selfish, but I don’t know any other way to cope.  Reiner is the only person in the world who can understand how I feel.  He’s my rock.

* * *

The first time Reiner touched me we were 15.  We were in my bedroom after school, my mom still away at work.  I still remember the feeling of his hand against the flat of my stomach and the way I crushed my homework in my fist when he slid into my boxers and touched me _there_.  I remember feeling so loved and so safe and so laid bare, because it was Reiner, and I trusted Reiner, I trusted him with everything.  I remember crying after, because I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t deserve to feel so good.  I remember feeling so confused because all of a sudden my best friend is my boyfriend and yeah, we had been going out for a year but it hit me in the face when I came in his hand and heard him whisper I love you into my neck.  I wasn’t supposed to even _like_ boys, never mind kiss them and let them touch me.  And the feeling I felt for him just then was so heavy, so real, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I remember Reiner holding me and apologizing, over and over, and I couldn’t even find the words to tell him that it was okay, it’s me, I’m the one who’s fucking up, not him, he’s _perfect_.

We came out to our families soon after, and my mother held me and cried, but assured me she was not mad at me or ashamed of me.  She was crying because she didn’t want me to be upset or afraid.  She knew me too well, because that’s exactly how I felt.  Reiner’s parents were a less supportive, but I think they didn’t give him as hard of a time as they would have under _normal_ circumstances, but we weren’t under _normal_ circumstances.  We’ve been dealing with mental breakdowns, bullying, hours of therapy, and so much grieving it was sickening.  They realized that fighting about something so _trivial_ when we’ve both been through hell wasn’t worth it.  They at least had that much respect for Reiner and I to let it go, to give us this one peace.  I don’t know if they chalked it up to some kind of “weird result of childhood trauma,” or if they made an effort to understand, but today they’ve accepted it as what it is, and Reiner even told me one time his dad gave him The Talk, or tried to, and god, Reiner’s face was so red he looked like a buff tomato.  I like to believe they came to accept us, because they still treat us the same.  We are their sons, their family, and nothing will take that away.  All of us together, we make a home.

* * *

“Hey, Bertl.”

“Yeah?”

“We both got into Sina University.”

I smile.

“I know.”

Reiner kisses me softly and runs his hand through my hair.

“We’re gonna be able to make it through this nightmare, together.  The world is ours, Bertholdt.”

“I hope so."

“I know so.”

I don’t say anything and he continues.

“Leave all of this behind us. Me and you, in our own dorm, meeting new people from all over with different stories.  People who don’t know us.  Bertl, we have a chance to start fresh.”

“Together?”

“Always. Can’t do it without you.”

* * *

_Bonus: Letter to Bertholdt_

Feb. 14th 1990

Dear Bertl,

You are the coolest dude. I'm not even mad that you can run faster than me because you’re taller (although if I was your height I'd totally be faster). This last year has been really hard but it's made me realize our friendship is kickass and how much being around you makes me happy. So tonight would you like to see a movie with me for Valentine's Day? I'd say we could try to sneak into Texas Chainsaw Massacre III but I know you don't like those kinds of movies and I heard it sucked, anyway. So I'll let you choose the movie! I think you deserve something nice and I wanna be the one who gives it to you... Aw, that sounded stupid, didn't it.  Well, if you wanna... meet me after school at 3pm near our tree.

-Reiner

PS. I like how your hair is growing out. It's kinda cute.


	4. Lull

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College bound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight, here it is, chapter number 4. Again, when they speak in German it will be in those pointy bracket things I forgot the name of instead of quotations marks. Ummmm I think that's all I have to say about this one.. enjoy!

The ride to Sina University takes what seems like _forever_ , but it’s really 6 hours.  Which is still pretty long, considering my legs are all crammed up with a suitcase on the floor shoved as far as it could go under the glove compartment (which wasn’t far, mind you), and my overfilled backpack sits heavily on my lap.  The back seat and trunk are stuffed to the limits with my belongings, and some of Reiner’s too, considering he had one more parent to take up room in his car.  Really, though, how did we have so much stuff? We barely have anything!  But when I try to fit it into my mother’s tiny car, well, all of a sudden we look like materialistic hoarders.  My mother hums along to the radio, I think it’s Sheryl Crow, and smokes a cigarette, keeping the window cracked to let in the crisp, end of summer air.

Finally, we arrive at our destination and man, the sight of all the people moving in, college volunteers to help the freshmen stay organized, just _so many people_ , makes me feel sick.  The slight bump my mom drives over as we turn into the parking lot doesn’t make my stomach feel any better, the nerves washing over me in waves.  I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to leave this car--

“Bertholdt, calm down, honey.  Please,” my mother says as she crushes out her cigarette and cranks down the window to talk to a young, college aged man wearing an orange vest who appears to be directing parking lot traffic.  My mom flashes one of her smiles, those perfect, beautiful smiles that can win the heart of any person, and drives off in the direction Traffic Guy pointed us in.  I look at the people pushing bins full of their stuff to and from the cars and swallow.  I twist around and see Reiner’s dad’s car pull in behind us and I know he’s right here but I still can’t stop the panic and _I’m about to freak out_.

“Bertholdt.”

We pull into the parking spot and the rumble of the engine stops and is replaced by occasional ticks and clanks as it cools off.  I feel my mothers hand on my forehead and close my eyes as she pushes my hair back.

“Mom. I don’t want to go,” I manage to croak out, trying not to cry.  I don’t open my eyes but I can feel her pouting her lips and giving me that look she makes whenever I stayed home sick from school.  A look that’s not pity, but full of worry and concern.

“Baby, you wanted to go, remember?  You were so happy when you and Reiner got accepted.  Look, he’s pulling up right next to us now.”

And sure enough, I can hear a car pull up next to us.  The engine’s killed and doors open and I hear Leon’s booming voice followed by Hilde yelling something at Reiner and then I hear car doors slam and a tap on my window.

“Bertl!”

And then my car door is opened and the backpack is lifted off my lap and I feel exposed and empty and I want to curl in on myself and hide.  I hunch over and look at my awkwardly bent knees instead.

“Doesn’t look too comfy in there, huh? Hey, come on, let’s go move into our dorm.  Together, okay?”

It’s still warm out, but the summer air is turning, I can tell by the lack of humidity.  And although I appreciate the less suffocating, muggy weather, I still start to sweat as that claustrophobic feeling creeps up and I’m almost afraid to stand up on the off chance I’ll book it the hell out of here.  Reiner crouches so he’s lower than my sitting form and rubs my leg soothingly.

“Hey, Bertl.”

Reiner’s face is stern and serious, but his voice is gentle.

“Come back to me?”

I focus on the warm pressure of his hand, the deep rumble of his voice, the feeling of his thumb moving soothingly over my jeans.   _It’s okay, he’s here, he’s got me_.  My breathing starts to slow down, regaining a somewhat even rhythm, in through the nose, out through the mouth, in through the nose, out through the mouth.  Okay.  I’m okay.  I meet Reiner’s eyes, and he doesn’t smile but something flashes, and he waits patiently for me.  I don’t know how long I look at him before I have enough of a grip on myself and smile at him.  Only then does he return the gesture, the corners of his mouth turning up and the tightness leaving his face.  He stands up, stretches and pops his back, and helps me take out the suitcase that my legs are tangled in, and then I’m out of the car and shaking out my limbs and man, it feels good to stand up.

My mother comes around the car and rubs my arm soothingly, shoots Reiner an appreciative glance, which he returns with a kiss on her cheek.  After a quick exchange of how the ride went for everyone, which included Reiner’s father complaining about “Hilde must have had to pee at least three times,” and Hilde’s “I have a weak bladder, Leon, you know that, I don’t want to hear it,” and Reiner’s “weak bladder? More like ten coffees,” we start to unpack the cars and wheel in bin-fulls of our stuff.  The task is repetitive and distracting and helps takes the edge off the panic that’s trying to constrict my throat. But eventually, reality slips back into the scene when we have all our boxes and belongings up in our dorm and our parents are about to say good bye and leave us here.

My mom cups my face and kisses me on my forehead, after I bend down to let her, and leaves a bright red kiss mark behind.

“I’m so proud of you, darling.  So, so proud of you. I love you, baby.”

I blink, feeling my eyelashes start to stick together with tears, and wrap my arms around her shoulders and let her hold me.  I almost want to ask for her scarf, so I can smell her peach perfume whenever I get scared, but I don’t.   _Get a hold of yourself, Bertholdt, 17 year olds don’t want floral print scarves from their mothers to cry into at night_.

Reiner’s mother hugs me next, patting my butt, mostly because that’s where her hand falls due to my height, but her voice rings out in my head _< you got this from your mother, and boy, you are blessed>_ because she’s said it to me so many times over the years.  She doesn’t have to say it out loud, it’s so heavily implied now and it never fails to get my face burning a bright pinkish red.  Reiner snorts at my embarrassment, as he always does when his mother does this because _< you don’t need to tell him that, ma, I tell him that every night.>_  I almost don’t notice when Reiner’s father pats me on the shoulder and wishes me luck because I’m too busy _thinking about my own butt_ and I jump, startled at my own absent mindedness.

“Huh?”

Leon laughs, “earth to Bertl.  Brünhild you really gotta stop coddling the boy.”

<I don’t need to stop doing anything, Leon, _dear_ , my babies are leaving my nest and I won’t be here to teach them how to fly, of course I’m going to dote and coddle.>

She moves onto Reiner and kisses his face so many times I lose count, and Reiner, poor Reiner, he has no choice but to take it, there’s no escape from his mother’s iron grip.

<And take care of Bertholdt, okay? Make sure the both of you get enough sleep and-->

<Ma, okay, I get it.>

<Shush. And don’t forget to keep up on your laundry.>

<Ma.>

<And if I find out you’re falling behind in classes because you’re out partying so help me, Reiner!>

<Ma! I get it!>

Leon shakes his head as he, my mother, and I watch the scene unfold and it’s almost like I’m in a cheesy sitcom and there should be a laugh track playing at the expense of Reiner’s exasperation, but I can’t deny that the moment is just so endearing.

<Brünhild, darling, let him be.  At this rate he’ll miss his first class because you’ll be instructing him on how to fold his socks.>

Hilde plants one last kiss on Reiner’s forehead and steps back, tears glistening in her eyes.

<Be safe, Reiner. I love you.>

Reiner’s face softens and he kisses his mother on the cheek.

<Aw, ma, love you too. Me and Bertl will call every Sunday.>

We walk with them to the door and stand to the side as they walk past us, like a sad parent parade.  Reiner’s father pats us on the shoulder as he passes, Reiners mother stops to fuss over our hair and straighten our clothes and has to be ushered out by her husband.  My mother gives me one last hug good bye, and then moves past me to Reiner.  When she leans in to kiss him on the cheek he turns his head and kisses her on her lips then follows up with the biggest shit eating grin.

<Sorry, Lotte, just couldn’t help myself around such a pretty lady.>

My mother swats him upside his head.

<Give me a break, Reiner! You’re dating my son, not me. Let’s keep it that way!>

<Oh, Lotte, you break my heart.>

My mother rolls her eyes and looks at me.

<You see what kind of boyfriend you got? He thinks he’s quite the charmer, I’d keep an eye on him.>

She winks at me, and naturally, my body temperature increases about 200 degrees.  Reiner holds his chest in mock heartbreak.

<Lotte! You’re so cruel, to resist my good looks, my suave, my charm.>

My mother is such a patient woman.

<Alright, enough of your nonsense, shoo, go, get unpacking,> she waves Reiner off, ignores his _what, no number_ , and smiles at me one last time.

“I love you, darling.  You can always call me if you need to.  Have fun.”

I nod.

<I love you too, mom.>

My throat feels too tight as I shut the door and hear them walk down the hallway.

“Nice forehead, red looks good on ya.”

I immediately rub at my forehead and scoff at Reiner when I see the red lipstick smudged on my fingers.

“Shut up, you didn’t seem to mind when you smacked her on the lips.”

Reiner laughs and pulls me by the hand, leading me into our dorm, smirking at me and stealing kisses.

“Reiner, you just kissed my mother with that mouth.”

“And I’ve done a lot more with it to you.”

“That is…. the most disturbing thing you have ever said to me when we’re talking about kissing my mother.”

He just answers me with a grin, a large, sharp, Cheshire smile.  All teeth and teasing.  And when he dips me back and kisses down my neck, I could swear I’m in a teen romance, except that damn smirk he’s wearing ruins the vibe.  And talk of kissing my mother with his dirty mouth.  So maybe we’re in a romantic comedy, a really fucked up romantic comedy.  Two traumatized gay boys kill their best friend, fall in love, and kiss each other’s mothers, join them on their adventure as they go to college for the first time! _Whoa, slow down there, Bertholdt, you’re laying the romance on pretty thick_. When did I get so sappy?  It must be the nerves.   _You’re a sick bastard, you know that?_  Oh, I am too well aware.

“Hey, Bertl. We made it.”

The sun is in my eyes as I look out the window upside down, and I can’t really _see_ anything except bright sun flares and sparkling dust shimmering, suspended in the air.  The muscles in my neck pull and I can feel my saliva start to drip _up_ the back of my throat and I feel like a kid again, hanging upside down on the monkey bars at the playground, Reiner and Marcel running around me, casting shadows in the sun rays that block my vision.  I can almost hear their voices.  My eyes water and the glow of the room distorts, sparkling and distorted through my tears.  Reiner lifts me slowly up and a small, breathy cry is forced out of my mouth from the effort of lifting myself upright.  Vertigo hits as my blood rushes out of my head and I close my eyes, forcing the tears to spill over.

“It’s okay, I’m here.”

Reiner wipes away my tears, his thumb smudging the wetness under my lashes.  His hand is warm in mine and I press his palm to my face, turning into it and taking sanctuary in it.

“Reiner.”

His name feels good on my lips.  It’s an anchor, a name that grounds me.  When I say it, all is right, everything is okay.

“Bertholdt.”

The callouses are rough against my lips, his skin salty against my tongue and his fingers curl against my cheek as a sigh escapes me and floats up in the air over our heads, hanging in the silence.

“Thank you, Reiner.”

A whisper.

I don’t open my eyes until he has me pulled flush against his chest, firm in his embrace.  I rest my chin on his head and stare at the blank wall of our dorm, watching the shadows from the tree outside dance and shimmy across the white plain.  I let my eyes lose focus and the blocky, blurry shapes mesmerize me into a calm, serine state.

<We made it, Reiner.>


	5. I think I'm Looking Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowzers, I feel like this chapter is way longer than what I usually write... what got into me?? I don't know what I'm doing... I feel like I let the characterization get away from me... but no, no I will not dis my own work, nope none of that *zips my lips* I'll let you all decide for yourselves. (also can you tell i really like sweets??) Enjoy!

It’s almost uncanny how perfectly our belongings fit together in our room.  Our clothes lay side by side in our drawers, Reiner’s sheets are thrown over the bottom bunk topped by my comforter (the top bunk has been ignored), Reiner’s tapes and video games line the same shelf as my books and I’m hit full force with what the situation actually is; and that is, Reiner and I moved in together.  Even if it’s a tiny college dorm.  For the first time since leaving my home back in Forest Hills this morning, I feel excited.  It’s a small blooming in the bottom of my stomach that flutters up, spiking whenever I look over at Reiner.  Reiner is currently hunched over awkwardly behind the tiny side table in the “living room,” trying to wire up the small TV and VCR he brought.  The way his brow creases and the muscle in his cheek twitches when he can’t untangle the mess of wires, sends the fluttering feeling straight up to my heart, and I swear there are butterflies in my chest.  Forget butterflies in my stomach, I’m too high on adrenaline and excitement (as mild as it is) for that.

“Reiner, let me see,” I say as I reach over him and take the wires from his hands.  He shuffles out from under my arms, and I squat in his place and get to work, strategically pulling and tugging at the bundle with a patience Reiner lacks.  He leaves me to it and goes to our last unpacked box, ripping open the tape.

“Oh ho, Bertl, look at this, Mom must’ve snuck these in,” Reiner chuckles and holds up a frame in one hand and a tin and the other.  Wires momentarily forgotten on the floor, I scoot over and take the frame and smile.  It’s of me and Reiner on my sixteenth birthday.  My shell-shocked face, sandwiched between Flora and Sören’s gleeful ones, stares wide-eyed through the frame’s glass. Reiner is leaning in from the right giving me bunny ears while he sports a big grin, tilting his chin up and his eyes closed.  It was a good memory, despite how hard birthdays are for me.  I feel suddenly too warm and I duck my head down, trying to hide my smile.

“I like it,” I mumble, “we should put it on our nightstand.”

Reiner makes a noise in agreement, his mouth full of cookie, which apparently came from the tin.  He extends the open tin to me.

“Wanf ‘ome?”

Hilde’s cookies, oh _shit_.  She doesn’t always make her specialty double chocolate-chocolate chip raspberry cookies, but when she does, man, I tell ya.  I don’t know how the woman does it, seeing it should be impossible for human hands alone to make such delicious, decadent treats.  My mouth is watering before I even get my hand on one, and that first bite, _holy shit_.

The whole experience of the first bite alone is enough to make me almost cream my pants, I’m serious.  There’s no shame showing the bliss on my face as my teeth sink into the soft cookie and the rich flavor explodes in my mouth, spreading as I slowly start to chew.  The chocolate is the perfect balance of bitter and sweet and the chocolate chunks are baked perfectly to a soft, melty consistency.  The tart hint of raspberry is just subtle enough to create a perfect harmony and the planets must be aligning because damn, _this cookie is outta this world_.  I swallow and moan, bringing the cookie, no, piece of _heaven_ , back to my mouth for a second bite when Reiner coughs.

I hadn’t even realized I closed my eyes, but when I crack them I see him staring at me with an eyebrow raised.  I ignore him and take a second bite letting my eyes slip close again.  Listen, I don’t have time for his judgement, I want to enjoy this fine, flawless baked good.

“Enjoying that a bit much?”

I just flick him off and focus on chewing.  He laughs almost in shock at my bold move, and I don’t blame him, I haven’t been this cheeky with him since Marcel died.  But I can’t help it, I’m in a good mood and these moments are rare.  I want to ride this wave as it steadily increases in height.  And while I still have my balance.

I hear a shuffle, then a shadow blocks the light through my eyelids, followed by Reiner’s lips pressed to mine, strong and pushy, trying to gain access.  He even has the nerve to swipe his tongue across the crease of my lips.  I scowl and lean back from him, pushing his face away.

“Reiner, you’re going to mess up the perfection that is this cookie with your stupid spit. This is an _experience_.”

Reiner actually barks out his deep, bellowing laugh, and I haven’t heard that in a while.  He swats the side of my head.

“You’re a piece of work,” he says fondly as he falls gently to his back and looks at me sideways from the floor, his hand on his stomach, that still occasionally moves with his laughter.  I flick a crumb at him.  My face feels hot and it’s all his fault for being so attractive and sappy and gooey… like this cookie.  Right, this cookie is so damn good.  I take my time finishing the last of it, trying to ignore the way Reiner watches me, and lick my lips and a small bit of chocolate off my finger.  I place the lid on the tin and pat it.

“Save the rest for later.”

Reiner leers teasingly at me.

“Later as in _later_?”

I blink slowly at him.  Did he just?  Of course he did.  But now that I think of it, maybe incorporating those cookies into fun time wouldn’t be so bad…. No, that’s too messy.  And Reiner’s mother made these, they’re her specialty, I can’t defile them like that.

“Keep dreaming,” I retort.

“But you considered it?” Reiner doesn’t miss a beat.

I shrug.

“Maybe. But then I realized they remind me too much of your mom.  And I’m not like you, thinking of my boyfriend’s mother during sex would actually phase me.”

“Hey! I’ve never thought of your mother during sex!”

“Yeah, sure,” I tease.

He rolls his eyes and sits up, going back to unpacking the box.  He pulls out a plastic sandwich bag full of quarters that are labeled “laundry and pay phone” in my mother’s handwriting, and then a polaroid camera.  There’s a note stuck to the top of it.  Reiner turns it around so he can read it and relays it’s message:

Me and your father bought this for you as a going away gift.  It’s loaded with film and we included some extra packs so when you run out.  Take lots of pictures! These will be memories you won’t want to forget! Love, Mom and Dad

“Hey, nice!”

Reiner scoots over and slings his arm around my shoulder, holds up the camera with his other hand and takes a picture of us.  The flash blinds me, I don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for camera flashes, and then the camera spits out the picture.  Reiner is like a child as he waits for it to develop, a very big, stern-faced child who won’t stop shaking the picture.

“Reiner, stop shaking it like that.”

“Aren’t you supposed to?”

I shrug.  Are you?

He holds up the picture and beams.

“Our first picture! It’s perfect!”

He hands it to me.  It’s of our chests and the bottom of our chins.

“Looks like you’ll need to work on your framing…. your aim was just a little off,” I say as I hand the picture back to him.  He motions with his hand for me to come over.

“Let’s try again.”

This time I tilt the camera in his hands, adjusting his angle.

“Okay, you can--” my words are cut off by the flash and then the sound of another photo ejecting.  Reiner starts shaking it impatiently.

“Oi, look.  This one came out much better.”

He tosses me the photo and I mentally face palm.  My eyebrows are furrowed, clearly focusing on trying to aim the camera, and my mouth is awkwardly open in mid sentence.  Reiner is flashing his pearly whites and sure, he looks fine.  At least it’s of our faces this time.  I sigh as he takes the photo back, and looks at the two pictures next to each other, his stupid, proud grin beaming as if he just created a masterpiece, and goes into our room to tape them to the wall next to our bed.  I go back to untangling the wires and look out the window, watching the sunset.  I’m startled out of my peaceful state by a knock at the door.  Reiner comes shuffling out of the room and I shoot him a look. _I am not answering that_.  Reiner does instead.

“Hey,” Reiner greets as he opens the door to two kids standing in the hallway.  One has brown, shaggy hair and a band tshirt, and the shorter one has a blond bob and is wearing a sweater vest.

“Hey, I’m Eren and that’s Armin.  We live across the hall from you and we were wondering if you wanted to come by later for a movie?  We’re inviting the whole floor, figured it would be a good way to get to know everyone.”

Reiner extends his hand and gives them a slight smile.

“I’m Reiner.  Thanks for the offer, I’ll see if I can stop by later, it sounds fun.”

The blond shorter boy, Armin, must have spotted me.

“Oh, your dorm mate can come too!  Sorry, I didn’t see him at first.”

I focus on the wires in my hands, sweaty palms making it hard to hold them as I mindlessly fiddle with them, not even sure if I’m untangling them or not.  I can’t even bring myself to turn around and look at them.

“Hey, Bertl.”

Reiner’s voice is calm and I know he’s being cautious and gentle.  He just wants me to turn around.  I can at least answer him, do him that favor.  I look at him over my shoulder.

“This is Eren and Armin from across the hall. They invited us to a movie later.”

“At 8:30, to be exact,” Armin chimes in.

I stand up and walk over to take my place next to Reiner, but keeping a bit behind him.  I feel better knowing he’s in between me and our visitors.

“Um, I’m Bertholdt,” I manage to say without fucking up.  Feeling brave I continue, “what movie is it?”

The boy named Eren pipes up, “Only the best movie _ever_ , Jurassic Park”

I notice Armin rolls his eyes but smiles fondly and adds, “He turned down my suggestion of Free Willy.”  Which is followed by a farting sound from Eren.

I try to smile back, really, I do, but I end up swallowing thickly and maybe I nod my head.  I might not have, though.  Luckily, Reiner is not socially inept and takes over.

“Eren, you got great taste.  Should’ve known by the tshirt.”

Eren looks down at his Nirvana tshirt.

“ _Dude_. Nirvana is like, my _second_ favorite band of all time.”

“No shit? You know I saw them in ‘92.”

Eren’s eyes grow wide.

“No fair!  I was always trying to save up money for tickets! Can you believe Kurt Cobain is dead?  Dude, _dude_. I cried.  Not gonna lie.  The wound is still fresh.”

Armin butts in almost pleading, “Please don’t get him going, he’ll start crying or throwing an anger tantrum about it.”

“I do not throw tantrums, Armin,” Eren holds his chin up definitely.

“Anyway,” Armin redirects the conversation, “stop by if you want. No pressure, though.”

He glances at me when he says that and I’m not sure if I feel thankful or terrified.  Over all though, I think Armin is okay.  Reiner seems to like Eren for sure.

“Sure thing.  Nice meeting you two.”

And with that, Reiner closes the door as Eren and Armin wave and walk off to the next dorm.

“How ya feeling?”

Reiner runs his hand through my hair.  I consider it.  I feel…

“I’m okay.  Armin seems nice.”

And it’s true.  I don’t feel like I’m going to puke. _It’s a Christmas miracle, Charlie Brown!_  Reiner smiles and pulls me into a hug.

“He does.  They both seem cool.  Do you think you wanna go? Even for a little bit?” he murmurs into my neck.

 _That_ is what I’m unsure about.  I don’t think I can, but I don’t want to say so.  I can tell he really wants to go but he won’t go without me.  As usual, he seems to read my mind.

“Hey, we don’t have to.  We’ve had a crazy day, moving away from home for the first time… that’s a lot, Bertholdt.  It’s okay to want to stay in.”

I can’t answer him.  Normally I’d be thrilled hearing him say we can stay in, but now all I feel is guilt.  Because I can _tell_.  Reiner’s itching to start fresh, to make new friends, enjoy himself for the first time in years.  And I’m going to be holding him down, just like I was the one who made this hell for him in the first place.

“We can watch our own movie here.  Go to the corner store and pick up some snacks, pull out the blankets and break in that couch.”

It sounds amazing.  But.   _But_.

“You don’t have to do this for me, Reiner.  You can go to their dorm for the movie, you don’t have to stay behind because of me.”

“Because of you?  Bertholdt, I don’t want to go if you’re not coming.”

“....That’s not true.”

“Bertl?  You remember I said we’re doing this together, right?”

I nod.

“Hey, look at me?”

I flick my eyes to his and I’m met with his amber gaze, not angry, not pitying.  Just normal Reiner.

“I meant it when I said that. I want us to move forward together.  Don’t worry about me “staying behind” because I’m not staying behind from anything.  It’s going to take time.  Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

“Reiner… I’ll be okay if you go to the movie night.”

I don’t believe my own words and neither does he.

“Bertholdt Hoover, that was the most blatant lie you ever told me.  And what about me?  Who said _I’d_ be okay going without you?”

I hadn’t considered that.  Selfish me, as always.

“So how about it?  Me, you, a bowl of chips, that couch.  Sound like a plan?”

It sounds perfect.

* * *

 

 

That night has us crammed into the bottom bunk together, which is no easy feat, considering we are both six feet plus some.  Never mind Reiner’s broad shoulders take up more than half the mattress.  But we find a way to make it work.  Reiner holds me, spooning me from behind and rests his forehead on the back of my neck, fisting his hand in the front of my shirt.  I rub my fingertips idly over his knuckles as I lay awake, listening to his breathing.  Soon enough, it evens out and only then I allow myself to relax and try drift off into Dream Land.  Instead, my mind decides to take a detour to Anxiety Land.  The panic from earlier starts creeping up on me and weighs down on my chest, the pressure slowly getting tighter and tighter.  I force myself to match my breaths with Reiner’s and focus on the feel of his hand on my chest, the rough skin around his nail beds, how it feels like he could use some lotion.  It’s okay, Reiner is here.  We’re doing this together.  Everything will be okay.  I repeat this in my mind, a silent mantra of “it’s okay” and “Reiner has me” until it lulls me to sleep.

* * *

 

I dream of giant classrooms and crowds of people, and I can’t find Reiner.  I push through the mass of faceless bodies and call his name as loud as I can but my voice doesn’t come out higher than a whisper.  I run and I run, getting tangled in limbs and clothes, and everyone is so heavy and I can’t move and _I can’t find Reiner_ \--

I wake up with a start, my shirt sticking to my back and a scream strangled in my throat.  I realize Reiner is laying on my arm, which is now numb, and my legs are constricted in a tangled mess of our sheet.  The comforter is on the floor.  Reiner sleeps, snoring away, but his face is scrunched in anger.  I might have been kicking him in my sleep.  Again.  I slowly try to extract my arm from under his bulk of a body which earns an annoyed grunt from him and a quick downturn of the corners of his mouth.  Damn he’s heavy.

“Reiner,” I whisper as I push at his bicep in an attempt to roll him off me.

No response.  Man can sleep like the dead.

“ _Reiner_ ,” I try again.

This time he wakes with a less than attractive snort and looks at me, blinking in the dark, eyes heavy with sleep.

“Huh?”

“Get off my arm.”

He gives me a confused look and lets me roll him over and I retrieve my numb, useless arm and hold it to my chest like a prized possession.  Reiner falls almost immediately back to sleep, his soft snoring picking filling the silence of our room.  I wait until the blood slowly returns to my limb, wincing at the pricks of pain that accompanies the process, and then I press myself along Reiner’s back and somehow, I manage to fall back into a deep slumber and stay that way without any further interruptions.

* * *

 

Until morning, that is.

A mechanical sound wakes me, soon followed by what sounds like paper flapping.   _The hell?_  I’m still dreaming, right?  Reiner’s soft laugh brings me further out of sleep and pulls me to consciousness.  I open my eyes and sit up, and _shit_ , I land on the floor.  Okay, well, now I’m awake.

“Good morning, darlin’,” Reiner coos from the doorway.

I look up at him, scowling and squinting as I rub one eye trying to make sense of where I am.  My legs are still tangled in the sheet on the bed and… I am sitting on on my ass.  In our dorm.

 _Flash_.

I flop back onto the floor and groan, covering my eyes with my forearm.

“I could smack Hilde for giving you that.”

Reiner ignores me and I hear the paper flapping noise again.

“Reiner, stop shaking the pictures like that.”

I uncover my face and look at him and he sticks his tongue out and shakes the photo harder in my direction.  I cover my face again.

“Bertl look how you were sleeping.”

Reiner walks over and looms above me, holding out the picture.  It’s of me sleeping, not even five minutes ago, balanced precariously on the edge of the bed, my ass hanging off, as well as my head, my neck awkwardly bent back and sideways.  How I’m managing to stay on the bed at all is a mystery.

“So, what’s the forecast, Mr. Weatherman?”

“We’ll probably get rain today.  Although, this position is on the mild side compared to the other ones I’ve seen you in.  So I’d say a light shower, nothing too serious.”

I kick the sheet off of my feet and after a few moments of struggle, I stand up and stretch, rubbing my neck that surprisingly doesn’t hurt, but does let out a few cracks.

“I made you coffee,” Reiner says softly as he pulls me into an embrace.

And not even a second after he says it the smell of coffee hits me and I push Reiner aside and follow my nose to the sitting room where I spot a steaming coffee cup from the cafe.

“ _Made_ me coffee?”

Reiner comes up behind me and rubs my shoulders.

“Well, I bought you coffee.  I know you prefer hot cocoa but I figured you could use the boost for orientation today.”

Right, today’s Monday. The first weekday of my college experience.  I take a sip of the bitter liquid and relish the hot trail it leaves on its way to my stomach.

“Thanks, Reiner,” I mutter between sips.

“No problem.  I’m gonna go shower.  Join me if you want.  Oh, and the orientation schedule is near the TV.”

Reiner takes his leave and his shuffling around fades into the background as I pick up the fluorescent pink paper that has the schedule on it.  Looks like I’ll be stuck in about five hours of talks and slideshows and self introductions… Ugh.  At least they give us food.  I sit on the small couch and nurse my coffee as I mull over what’s in store for me today.  It should be okay.  It’s just part of the necessary steps to take if I want to get better.  Move forward.  Adjust.

I think a shower sounds nice right about now.  I put my coffee down and let the remaining two inches get cold as I open the bathroom door and get enveloped in hot steam.

* * *

 

“Hey, Reiner?”

“Yeah?”

I squint as a landslide of suds pour down my face.

“Um.  Can we, you know, keep our relationship private?”

Even through the water I can see he looks hurt.

“Why?”

“I really don’t…” _want people looking at me if they don’t have to_ , “...want the attention.”

He won’t look at me.

“Reiner, I’m sorry, I just.  This is a lot for me all at once.. and please, just give me this.  I don’t want people looking at me, I don’t want people to have a reason to say something to me…”

I trail off as he frowns.

“Please, just for now, until I’m more comfortable.”

He nods, though it’s small and stiff.

“Okay,” he finally meets my eyes, “I understand.”

I close my eyes and fall into him, resting my forehead on the top of his head.

“ _Thank you_.”

* * *

 

The walk across campus is peaceful.  The sun is behind clouds and it’s breezy, but there’s still enough summer warmth that I don’t need a sweater.  Reiner opens the door to the University’s auditorium and ushers me in.

“After you, my dear.”

I duck my head and step through the doorway a little too quickly and am just thankful I didn’t trip over my own feet.  It’s not too loud, as we’re still a little early, soft murmuring buzzes from small groups of people scattered across the room and creates an almost comforting ambiance.  Reiner steps in behind me and pushes me gently down the aisle, scanning the rows of seats.  I immediately scope out the empty seats near the edge of the auditorium, out of the main lights, hidden away spots that I can sink into.  I start walking towards a less crowded section, but we’re stopped by someone calling our names.

“Reiner! Bertholdt! Over here!”

It’s Armin, standing and waving to us and Eren tugging on his shirt to make him sit back down.  Reiner’s face breaks out in a smile and he raises his hand in return and makes his way over.  I swallow my anxiety and follow halfheartedly behind him.  We file in the row behind them and Reiner smacks Eren on the shoulder as he takes his seat.  I reluctantly sit in a seat next to a tall, freckled girl.

“Eren, my man! Armin!”  Reiner bellows out.

I think I kind of smile.

“Reiner, Bertholdt, this is Sasha, Connie, and Ymir.  They also live on our floor,” Armin introduces, pointing out each person with their names respectively.

The girl next to Armin whips her head around, successfully whacking the shorter kid next to her with her thick, puffy ponytail.  She pulls her hand from a bag a chips and waves a greasy hand.

“Hi! I’m Sasha,” she says through a mouthful, crumbs spewing.

The kid next to her, Connie, pushes her head.

“God, Sasha, your stupid hair just whacked me in the face.  And Armin already told them your name.”

“You’re just jealous cause you don’t have any hair.”

“Yeah, I cut it like this _for a reason_.”

The tall freckled girl sitting next to me, Ymir, rolls her eyes.

“ _Shut up_ , oh my god.”

I shift a little, pushing my shoulder against Reiner’s.  He’s caught up in an involved conversation with Eren about music but turns to me at my contact.  His eyes flash with unspoken reassurance and I can tell as he continues his vivacious chatter he’s got one ear on Eren and one on me, paying attention.  He leans slightly towards me and the action, however minute, makes me feel better.  I relax and keep my eyes down and don’t see Armin watching us as the lights dim and the University’s president comes on stage to begin orientation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The movie Reiner and Bertholdt watched was Homeward Bound... god damn that movie. ....now to stuff my face with fast food :D


	6. Adjust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear these chapters keep getting longer and longer... but that ain't a bad thing  
> So this might be the last happy chapter... might be all downhill from here *cracks knuckles*  
> also I went to art school and I have no clue how non-art colleges works so... bear with me if it's a little off.  
> oh, and I have a tumblr: 17-honey-bunches-of-goats

The jarring, repetitive beep of my alarm clock jolts me out of my sleep for the second time this Wednesday morning (the first time was when Reiner woke up to go to his first class).  I slam my hand down over the top of the offending electronic and the room falls back into a peaceful silence as I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes, letting myself slowly wake while I watch the bursts of colors dance behind my eyelids.  That’s something I’ve always indulged in as a kid.  I’d lay for hours and press my fingers into my eyes, watching the flashes and sparks of light that would result from the pressure.  Sometimes I’d stare at the ceiling and watch those transparent squiggles float around my cornea.  I liked the way they’d drift, then jerk back up to where they started when I blinked.  I wondered if they actually traveled the surface of my eye or if it was just an illusion as I spaced out.  Either way, it’s always been a comfort to get lost in the things I could only see for myself.  No one else can see the bright, technicolored dots that flashed in the dark red glow of my eyelids, or the soothing, monotonous drift of the eye squiggles.  It is my own space, a haven I can escape to and daydream, separate myself from the reality of who I am and the life I’ve been dealt.

I blink away the fuzziness, letting the black spots dissolve from my vision like burning film, and the room comes into focus.  I sigh.  Birds chirp.  Cars honk and engines drone in the distance.  Another day.  Another normal, average day.

I have my first class today at 12:30.

A note is on the pillow, it’s folded corner poking gently into my forearm.

 

_Bertl,_

_There’s some breakfast on the coffee table for you.  I’ll be back by 12 to walk you to your first class.  Today’s the big day!  I have faith in you, soldier._

_xoxo_

_Reiner_

__  
  


He’s cute.  Reiner’s cute.  How did I get such a cute boyfriend?  My face is burning and I duck my head sheepishly even though I know I’m alone and there’s no reason to be shy.  I stumble out of bed and stagger on sleep-ridden legs to the bathroom to take a shower.  Let’s hope I don’t slip and fall in my giddy-nervous stupor, I’m too young for Life Alert and the last thing I need is Reiner to find me with a broken hip in our dorm shower on our first day of college classes ever.  What would my mother say?

* * *

 

Fortunately, I keep my balance and manage to successfully shower and dress myself.  I pad into the living room and start munching on the toasted bagel (with cream cheese, I may mention) Reiner left for me.  Yesterday, Reiner and I went textbook and supply shopping once we got our class schedules and materials lists.  I had written out a list of what I needed for each class on each day, and even prepared my backpack last night, but I can’t stop my mind from whirring into overdrive and compulsively going over what I need for this coming up class.  I finish my bagel and find myself gnawing on my bottom lip in worry, my toes twitching against the linoleum floor trying to quell my urge to start pacing.

I don’t know what to do with myself as I wait for 12 to roll around, so I flick on the TV and see what our dorm’s cable has to offer.  You can bet I watch Rugrats.

* * *

 

Reiner makes his entrance with an enthusiastic “guess who just made himself the number one guy in their Nursing Basics class?” and points to himself with both thumbs.  Oh boy, here he goes.

“You shoulda seen it, Bertl, I had all the girls laughing and giggling and I think the teacher has a crush on me.  Actually, I’m positive she has a crush on me.”

I don’t know what expression I’m making but it must’ve been good because Reiner almost falls over, wheezing.

“Reiner, the girls like you because you’re probably the only guy in the class… There aren’t many men in the nursing program.  Also, look at you, of course they’re gonna swoon over you.  And you’re so full of shit, there is no way the professor has a _crush_ on you, this isn’t middle school.”

Reiner flops down next to me and rests his chin on my shoulder.

“You’re just jealous I got a bunch of pretty girlies fawning over me.”

Oh, give me a break.

“And why would I be jealous? They can fawn all they want but I’m the one you’re sleeping with.”

Reiner _snorts_.

“Damn straight, darlin’.”

“Last time I checked, what we have going on isn’t considered exactly straight…”

“And I thank my lucky stars every day that it isn’t.”

He pecks me on the cheek then starts going on about how I’m watching cartoons and _this isn’t middle school_ , but I know he’s a sucker for cartoons and we end up watching a few more minutes together.  When the commercial break starts up, _“Now there’s new Cinnamagic, magically changes color in seconds!  It’s part of this complete breakfast.”_ he slaps his hand down on my knee.

“Alright, kiddo, time to walk you to class.”

I raise an eyebrow at him.

“Kiddo? Yeah okay, _old man_.”

He scrunches his nose at that.

“That makes it sound like I’m your grandpa or something.”

“Or my dad.”

“Okay I was gonna make a daddy kink joke but you don’t even have a dad… it would be kinda a mean thing to joke about.”

“But that’s why the daddy kind _would_ have worked, because I’m filling the dad shaped hole in my heart.”

Reiner stares at me for a minute.

“I am extremely uncomfortable.”

I narrow my eyes.

“Hey you started it…  _daddy_.”

“ _Alright_ ,” Reiner throws his hands up and stands, “let’s get you to class.”

“Did you pack my lunch for me, daddy?”

“Bertl, oh my god, _stop_ and yes, I did get you lunch.”

“Wait, really?”

Maybe Reiner _is_ filling the dad shaped hole in my heart that I never knew even existed, oh my god _do I have daddy issues?_  I probably wouldn’t mind calling him that in bed though, if he let--

“Duh, now come on.”

Reiner motions for me to get up and I oblige, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and shutting off the TV.  I steal a quick kiss from him as he opens the door and he smiles that one smile he has when I initiate intimacy.  He nudges me out the door and we’re off to my first class.  Oh my god, I’m going to my first class.

And I’m actually kind of excited.  Mostly nervous, but still.   _Excited_.  Now that’s a new word in my vocabulary.

* * *

 

I’m still an undeclared major so I’m enrolled in basic foundation classes, and Wednesday is my math class.  It was only an hour and a half long and the content seemed easy enough.  Besides, Eren and Connie were in it as well.  Afterwards, we meet up with Armin and someone named Jean, who Eren seems less than pleased to see, and find ourselves at the dining hall, talking and discussing how our first day of college has been going.  Well, it’s mostly Eren and Connie bickering and Armin trying his damn hardest to keep Eren’s voice at an indoor level.  I find myself on edge and closed off, but not exactly too uncomfortable.  It’s easier if I eat the sandwich Reiner got me and keep my eyes down, staring at the crumbs on the table, glancing up only when Armin or the others address me.  I manage to maintain some sort of conversation.  It’s not hard once it gets going, to my surprise.  No one here is mean and they actually seem to like me.  A burst of something (panic? excitement? confidence? happiness? guilt?) spreads inside of me, its tendrils reaching up and I have to make an effort to stop a smile, or maybe a grimace, from forming on my lips.

“No but really, look at these problems we got assigned for homework on the _first_ day of class!  I could hardly follow along never mind understand what the hell the professor was talking about!”  Eren complained.

Jean rolled his eyes and scoffed, “When I took that class I got an A.”

Jean is in a year above us and apparently went to the same high school as Eren and Armin.  He and Eren seem to butt heads and the more I listen to them the more I realize this isn’t anything new, it’s like a strange, angry waltz; they know all the steps and techniques to make the other tick.

“Yeah Eren, I’m stupid and I even understood what the teach was sayin’.” Connie pipes in.

Eren’s face turns from rage to slight panic.

“So if you guys know what the material is about, you can help me right?  I’m sure I can catch on quick if it’s as easy as you make it out to be.”

“Ah, sorry Eren, I can’t be bothered to pass down my expertise to someone who clearly isn’t cut out for college courses,” Jean practically yawns out as he stretches.

“Yeah, I don’t know, Eren, every man for himself.  I can’t risk my own grade by trying to help yours,” Connie says as he leans back in his chair, inspecting his nails.

Jean and Connie look like self righteous idiot twins, despite their drastic difference in appearance, which makes it funnier.  Eren looks like he’s about to shit himself and he turns to me.

“Bertholdt, you understood the material, right?”

_Why me?_

I nod my head.

“You can help me, right?  Just explain the notes we took today… please it won’t take long, I’ll try super hard, I promise.  I’ll even buy you a coffee or a cookie or whatever you want.”

“Um, you don’t have to buy me anything,” I rub the back of my neck nervously, “but yeah, I can help… you can come over tonight if you want.”

Eren’s eyes widen in relief.

“Oh my god, thanks, man.  I swear, I owe you.”

I start biting my bottom lip.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to help but what was I supposed to say?

* * *

 

Armin and Eren follow me to my dorm and the topic of conversation falls to where we’re from and a little of our background.  I find out Eren and Armin went to the same high school, Eren’s dad is a doctor, his mother has passed, he has a sister named Mikasa, Armin lives with his grandfather because both his parents died on a vacation trip when he was very young.  Naturally, they want to know about me next.

“Reiner and I have been friends since as long as I could remember.  We both grew up in Forest Hills--”

“That’s that small mountain town to the south of us, right?”

I nod as I unlock the door to our dorm and let them in.  Reiner comes out of our room and lights up at the sight of us, striding over as if he’s going to give me a hug but catches himself and awkwardly stumbles to an abrupt stop.

“Hey guys,” he quickly blurts out to cover himself as he sits back on the couch.  I give him a smile as I walk past him to put my bag down in our room, closing the door behind me when I reenter the living room with my math textbook and notes.  I don’t need our guests to see that we aren’t using the top bunk.

“Bertholdt was just telling us a little about his and your hometown,” Armin says, “Eren and I are from District Maria.  In the south quadrant.”

I swallow.  The south quadrant of District Maria is where I destroyed part of the Artillery Wall.  I sit next to Reiner on the couch and I might be holding myself a little too stiffly because Reiner is watching me like a hawk.

“O-oh,” I manage to stutter out.

Eren continues, “Yeah, my mother was killed when the Artillery Wall collapsed.  I… I have a hard time going home.  I had almost moved to Trost in District Rose after it happened… but.  Let’s just say it would have been harder on me and Mikasa to move and leave our community than it would have been to stay and live with the memories.  And Armin lived there, I couldn’t leave him. So we stayed.”

I feel unusually calm for what I’ve just been told, and I look at Eren with an even gaze.

“I’m sorry to hear about your mother, it’s unfortunate that happened to her.”

Reiner puts his hand on my knee, making me slightly jump.

<Hey,> his voice is low and stern, <we don’t have to talk about that now.>

I spare him a glance and then nod.  Armin raises his eyebrows at Reiner’s German.

“So, Eren, where did you want to start on the notes?  What exactly didn’t you understand?” I change the subject.  Eren shakes his head, clearing the dark clouds out of his eyes and joins us back in the present.

“Let’s start at the beginning.  I go through the motions and follow all the steps to the equation but all my practice problems in class came out wrong.”

I take a look at Eren’s notes and practice problems and it only takes a quick scan to realize he’s forgetting one small, but crucial step consistently in every example.

“Okay, you actually understand what’s going on, you’re just missing this one step here….”

The study session didn’t take that long and I’m starting to enjoy Eren and Armin’s company, even if Eren is a little intimidating at times.  And, you know, I killed his mother.  I surprise even myself.

* * *

 

“So, what circle of hell froze over to get you to agree on a study session with Eren?”

Reiner’s voice is low and rumbling, blending in with the dark.  I pull the sheet up tighter over my shoulder and inch my face closer to his on the pillow.  I can feel the tip of my nose brush his.

“He looked really desperate, and Connie and this kid Jean turned him down.  It was actually kind of funny.  But what was I supposed to say? I couldn’t say no.”

Reiner rubs small circles in my shoulder with his thumb.

“I’m proud of you, Bertl.”

“Thanks, Reiner.” I don’t deserve his praise.  “I.. I killed Eren’s mother.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes it was, I killed Marcel, and now I found out the first person I meet in college doesn’t have his mother because _I killed her too_.  Reiner, I’ll never be able to escape what I did.”

“Bertl, it _wasn’t_ your fault.  Sometimes things happen to people and it’s out of their control.  And there’s nothing you can do about it except learn to live with it and keep moving forward.

“I’m trying, I’m trying so hard.  But the years keep passing and I feel like I haven’t moved an inch.”

“Well, I’m here.  I’ll help you find your way.  I was there in the rubble too.  You’re not traveling this path alone, okay?”

A beat of silence.

“Good night, Reiner.”

A kiss.

“Night, Bertl.”

* * *

 

The rest of my classes that week went well, or as normal and uneventful as classes can go.  Reiner and Armin were both in my chemistry class, and Jean and Ymir were in my literature class.  It’s strange having friends now, you know.  Especially because _I’m_ the one who caused Eren and everyone so much grief and they don’t even know that they’re friends with the source of their pain.  But I’m taking Reiner’s words to heart, and I’m slowly learning to live with it.  I don’t know if Reiner meant for me to accept the fact that I’m a monster when he told me to come to terms with what happened, but the way I see it is if I’ve been predestined to be a monster, then so be it.  I’m realizing that I have no will of my own.  All I can do is ride the current and see where it takes me.  Hopefully the current starts moving forward soon, because right now I’m still stuck in a whirlpool.

The sound of quarters falling through the slot of the dryer brings me back to reality.  Reiner turns to me as the machine whirs to life.

“Alright, laundry’s in the dryer.  Let’s go call the folks.”

I follow him to the payphones which are right outside the laundry room in a private corner of the dorm’s basement.

“So we calling your mom or my mom first?”

I don’t really care.

“Doesn’t matter.  We can call your mom first.  I’m sure Flora and Sören really want to talk to you.”

Reiner takes the phone off the receiver and twirls it around in his hand as he puts the quarters in and waits to dial.  He lodges the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he punches the numbers, then waits while it rings.

“Ma? Hi!”

Reiner flashes me a smile.

<Yeah, we’re good.  Uh huh.  Yeah, our classes went great, mom, you shoulda seen all the girls in my nursing class, they loved me.  Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.  Ma!  You know I don’t swing that way, anyway.  My grade will be fine.>

I roll my eyes and listen to him fill her in on how his classes went, all the people we’ve met, and _yes, ma, we’re doing laundry right now_.  Then the twins take over and I can tell they’re just arguing over who gets to hold the phone because Reiner tells them to put their mom back on about ten times.

<Alright, Ma, our time is gonna run out soon so we gotta wrap it up.  Bertl’s gotta call Lotte.  Yes, Bertl’s here…. _Ma_.  Fine.”

Reiner hands the phone to me.

<Hi, Hilde.  I’ve been fine.  Yes, Reiner’s been doing his work and no, no partying.>

Reiner grabs the phone from me.

<Ma, you can’t just talk to him to spy on me.  Yeah, I know you gotta make sure I’m staying in line… hey!  What do ya mean he won’t lie to you, I wouldn’t lie to you!  Ma, you’re killing me.>

I lean my head on Reiner’s shoulder.

<Okay, okay, ma, calm down.  We gotta go, our time’s almost out.  Yes, love you too.  Mhmm. Talk to you next week.>

He hangs up the phone and shakes his head, tossing me the bag of quarters.

“Your turn.”

I slip the quarters through the slot and dial my home phone.  It rings three times before my mother picks up.

“Hi, mom.”

Her voice on the other end of the line is music to my ears, even if it’s slightly fuzzy coming through.

_How are you, baby?_

“I’m doing good, actually.  We made a few friends.  They’re in my classes, too.”

_I’m so proud, Bertholdt, so proud.  So you’re feeling okay?_

“I think so.  I think this was a good idea.”

_Oh, darling, it’s so good to hear you say that._

We talk a little longer, then Reiner steals the phone away to sweet talk my mother, the poor lady.  Then she says her goodbyes and I hang up.

“Hey, you wanna grab some grub while we wait for our laundry to dry?”

My stomach answers for me with a loud, inhuman gurgle that makes me laugh and Reiner raise an eyebrow.

“I’ll take that as a positive.”

* * *

 

Folding laundry in our dorm would be a peaceful, relaxing activity if it weren’t for Reiner’s constant griping about how much he hates folding laundry.  How cute he looks fumbling with his clothes makes up for it, though.  I let myself get lost in the fantasy that we’re a married couple and this is a regular domestic routine we go through, and shit, I really want to just live a quiet, domestic life with this beefcake.  This gorgeous, grumbly, beefcake who is such a sweetheart and hates folding laundry.  And sucks at it too, if his strangly folded, crumpled pile of shirts are anything to go by.

“Bertl, you’re bright red.”

“What? No I’m not...”

Reiner chuckles and puts another sad attempt of a folded shirt on his pile.

“Oh, you’re thinking about something interesting, you could melt glaciers with the amount of heat coming off you right now.”

“Sh-shut up! I’m not thinking about anything.”

“So what is it?  Is it about me?” Reiner asks me with a wink and a nudge.

“You’re such a jerk.”  Did I say gorgeous sweetheart?  I meant he’s a giant little shit.

“So, it _is_ about me,” he states.  Not asks.  He knows he’s right.

“Can you just drop it?  It’s stupid.”

“No way, if my boyfriend is blushing and I’m the cause of it, I wanna know what it’s about.”

“You just want me to boost your ego.”

“Bertl, you hurt me with your words,” he mocks holds his heart, “to think that I don’t truly want to know what the love of my life is thinking is heart breaking!”

I roll my eyes and continue to fold my clothes.

“So… was I naked in your daydream?”

“Reiner! God!” I can’t stop myself from scowling.  “No, you weren’t.”

“Then what was it? If I wasn’t naked then what else is there to think about?  I mean, _look_ at me.”

He motions to himself and raises his eyebrows suggestively at me.  I have to look away just so he doesn’t see me smile.  I can’t encourage him.

“And you say it’s not about your ego.”

“Bertl, darlin’.  Throw a dog a bone, will ya?”

“Reiner, _darlin’_ , I do not date dogs.  I only date sweet, tall, blond men who _drop the subject_.”

Reiner sighs overdramatically and flops back on the couch.  A few moments of silence.

“Please?”

I close my eyes and count to ten.

“You’re not gonna let it go, are you?”

“I know it’s nothing to be ashamed about… Bertl, I want you to tell me what you’re thinking, especially if it got you blushing like that.  We’re a couple, you’re my best friend.  We can talk about these things.  You gotta stop holding it in, you always hold it in.”

He’s right.

“Okay, promise you won’t laugh.”

“Bertl, why would I laugh?”

“Promise!”

“Fine, okay. I promise I won’t laugh.”

I study him for a minute.

“I was thinking… of us… I was thinking of us when we’re older.  And uh, and we’re married,” I swallow and look down at the pants I’m folding, “and live in our own house together, back in our hometown but further up in the more secluded parts of the mountains.  And we do domestic things like this together, and you always complain about it, but you do it anyway.  And even though it’s a simple, predictable existence, we’re happy.”

I keep folding in silence and don’t dare look at him.  I can only imagine how red my face is right now and I probably _could_ melt glaciers with how hot I feel.  After what seems like minutes of Reiner’s silence, even though it was only a few seconds, I look up at him.  He’s staring at me with an expression I’ve only seen twice before, when I said I’d be his back when we were 13 and the first time we made love, not sex, but something softer.  His eyes are shining, completely glossed over, and his mouth curved in a relaxed smile.

“Bertl,” he barely whispers, “that’s not stupid.”

I shrug and keep folding.

“Bertl, look at me?  Please?”

I stop and let my hands grip the fabric in my lap, staring down at it for a long time before I look at him.  When I meet his eyes, he beams, and I swear the sun is shining through those eyes because they are simply sparkling.

“Bertholdt, do you really want that?”

I think about it.  Yeah, it was just a silly daydream, but… Yeah, I want it. I want it more than anything.  I nod my head.

“Then we’ll have that. Get a house together, lead a quiet life.  Just me and you.”

I’m quiet.  I don’t know how to answer, really.

“Bertl?”

I flick my eyes back up to his.

“I believe you, Reiner."

His face is dampened with slight confusion at my words.

“Why would I lie to you about that?”

I shake my head.

“You wouldn’t. You’d never lie to me.”

He sighs, but it’s more of a tired, resigned exhale.

“I just want you to be happy.  I want us to be happy.  I don’t have the answers, Bertl, I don’t know what will work, what path will lead us to a peace of mind.  I think college was the right first step, I’m trying.  And I’ll keep trying.  I’ll do anything it takes so we can be happy.  Bertholdt, we deserve it,” his eyes flash when I shake my head, “Bertholdt. We. _Deserve_. It.  We deserve a life void of this constant torture, we deserve to heal, to grow, just as much as everyone else affected by the Wall’s collapse.  I want this for us, I want it so _badly_ sometimes I feel like I’m going to go mad.  I’m not going to give up on us, no way.  We’ll get that house, we’ll get the life you want.  We’ll work through this.”

“I just.  I just don’t know how, Reiner.  I don’t know how to find it.”

“Bertholdt,” he clutches my hands in his, “I don’t know how either, but I’m throwing caution to the wind here, listen, we’ll find a way, somehow, we’ll keep trying until something sticks.  Until we’re living in that secluded house, me and you, growing old together.  Happy and in love and _home_.  Bertl, you can’t give up, we’ve survived this far.  It’s only just beginning.”

His words make my stomach churn.  The beginning?  I just want it all to end.

“I trust you, Reiner.”

We stare at each other in silence until he sighs softly and looks down at our hands.  He brings mine to his lips and peppers them with kisses, small, light kisses across my knuckles, across the pads of my fingers, hotly against my palms.  His thumb rubs my wrist and I know what he’s thinking about, he always goes to my wrists when he’s afraid of losing me, when he feels he can’t get through to me.  He told me once he had to remind himself there weren’t any scars, that I never made the cut because the image of me sliced open and bleeding in his bathroom haunts his dreams.  He says the smooth, unmarred skin on my inner wrists calms him, grounds him, makes him feel safe with me.  When he touches me there it makes me feel guily and ashamed.  It makes me want to die.

* * *

 

Monday comes along and with that, so do tryouts for sports teams.  Reiner and I aren’t interested in being involved with any sports, besides we didn’t take any in high school, so it’s a typical Monday for us.  After our classes, Eren finds his way to our dorm, as usual, but he has a girl with him I’ve never seen before.  She’s short, coming up to about Eren’s nose, and has her blonde hair pulled into a loose bun leaving a flop of bangs that cover one of her eyes.  I notice she’s got a few of those colorful hair wraps you can get at amusement parts and carnivals, where a thin chunk of your hair is wrapped in multicolored thread.  Those are pulled back with the rest of her hair, and the beads at the end are hidden among her bun.  It kind of reminds me of a birds nest with colorful eggs.  She looks bored.

Eren and his new friend comes into our dorm, both still in workout clothes.

“Hey guys, this is Annie. I met her at tryouts for the wrestling team.  She kicked my ass!”

Reiner holds out his hand and offers a friendly, “Reiner. Nice to meet you.”

Annie just looks at his extended hand and walks by him into the dorm.  Reiner’s smile falters a little and he shoots me a look and whispers _do I offend?_  Eren and Annie take their seat on the couch, Eren flopped on the middle cushion.  Reiner takes his seat on Eren’s other side.

“So, the wrestling team?”

Eren starts talking animatedly about how tryouts went and I sit on the couch arm near Reiner, listening to his enthusiasm.  I happen to glance at Annie and am startled to see she’s staring back at me, but looks away when I notice her.  She won’t look at me again and I find that pretty unsettling.  I let it pass and cough it up to the fact I wasn’t introduced to her.

“Yeah, and get this, right, Annie kicked everyone’s ass! She’s unstoppable! She said she’d teach me, huh, Annie?”

Annie blinks at him and gives a toss of her bangs.  Reiner snorts.  Great, he’s about to say something _extremely_ intelligent that _definitely_ won’t piss anyone off.

“What, this shortie?” he stands up, “Annie, let’s see what you got.”

Eren’s eyes widen and he looks like Reiner just slapped him.

“Reiner why would you say that!”

“What, you think I’m scared of someone half my height? Annie, you even got any muscle on you?”

If I thought Annie’s default apathetic, stoney expression was scary, well, I was obviously not prepared for when she was actually angry.  Her jaw sets as she frowns and she flicks her gaze to Reiner, pinning him with blue eyes that look sharper than ice.  Eren looks back and forth between them.

“Reiner, don’t tease her…”

Annie stands up and kicks the coffee table out of the way and brings her fists up in fighting stance.  Reiner follows suit.  Eren seriously looks like he’s going to shit himself.  And to be honest, I’m not feeling too good myself.  Reiner seems unfazed though, and smirks.

“Hit me with your best shot, An--”

He doesn’t finish his sentence before Annie kicks her leg out, fast as lightening, and sweeps Reiner, all 6 feet and 209 pounds of him off his feet and onto his back.

“Holy shit,” Reiner practically wheezes out, “You ain’t shitting us, Eren.”

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Annie’s voice is a lot smoother and well, _girlier_ , than I expect it to be, although I didn’t know what I expected.  A gravelly witch voice?  Come on, let’s be real.

“Wow, so you can talk!”

Speaking of voices, Reiner should really stop using his.  Annie exhales sharply through her nose and it’s almost like an angry bull is inside of her trying to get out.  Reiner sits up slowly.

“But joking aside,” _so joking’s what he calls it, huh,_ “I respect a person who can stand up for themselves.  I’ll admit, I had it coming, and you served it to me as best as it could be served.”

Annie levels him with a glare that clearly states _I didn’t need your approval_ , then looks away, her mask of indifference slipping on easily.  Reiner stands up and pushes the coffee table back in place, then flicks on the TV.

“Anyone prefer anything in particular?”

Eren takes the remote and flicks through the channels, having a weird mix of verbal and non verbal communication with Annie over what they want to watch.  Reiner turns to me.

“You wanna order a pizza or something?”

I don’t really care, I could go for anything.  Like usual, I just shrug.  He’s about to say something when there’s a knock on our door.

“I’ll get it!” Reiner sing songs as he strides to the door, albeit limping ever so slightly, and opens it.  “Armin! And…?”

I hear Armin’s voice pipe up, “Reiner, this is Jean.”

Eren tears his eyes away from the TV, which is flashing music videos on MTV, and groans.

“Why is _he_ here?”

Jean and Armin come in, followed by Reiner.  Jean scowls at Eren but otherwise ignores him.

“We brought food with us!” Armin announces and places three pizza boxes on the table.

“Armin, my man, you must have read my mind,” Reiner says and already has a slice halfway to his mouth.  Armin smiles at him and takes his own piece.

“I’ve been told I have that power.  So keep your thoughts clean, I can see everything,” Armin deadpans as Jean snorts.  Reiner’s attention is directed at Jean again.

“So, Jean, what major are you?”

“He’s majoring in being an douchenozzle,” Eren cuts in around a mouthful of pizza.

Jean rolls his eyes and turns to Reiner, clearly trying to be the mature one in the situation, but falls flat with his arrogant tone, which I can tell is an act.

“I’m majoring in French literature.  France is my homeland and I love everything about the culture.”

“Shut up, Jean, you lived there for like, two months as a baby.”

Jean’s act falls when he scowls and challenges Eren to a fight, and then takes out stack of _Magic_ trading cards.  Reiner bursts out laughing.

“Shit man, are you guys like, five?”

Eren and Jean both throw an annoyed look his way and Eren takes out his own deck.

“It’s fucking on, Kirschstein,” Eren yells a little too loudly and soon enough, they are engrossed in battle, Annie keeping close watch by Eren’s side.  Reiner scoots over on the couch, now that Eren and Annie have huddled on the floor, and I let gravity slide me off the couch’s arm and onto the cushion.  Reiner puts his arm on the back of the couch behind me and I shoot him a warning glance and he promptly ignores me.  That ass.  Armin takes his place on Reiner’s other side and starts telling us about his Intro to Marine Biology class, his voice animated and his hands gesturing wildly.  Eren pokes his head up and tells Armin to calm down before he has an orgasm, then goes back to his card battle, which leaves Armin bright red and Reiner slapping his knee in laughter.

Although I haven’t said a word, I’m enjoying myself.  I can still feel the rot inside of me, spreading, but on the outside, hell, I’m feeling _peachy_.  Maybe Reiner’s right.  Maybe I can start to move forward, get used to the decay and soldier on.  Learn to live with keeping the shit down, barred inside, held back by my teeth.  As long as I have closed-mouthed smiles, no one will ever be the wiser.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I really wanted to have Jean whip out Pokemon trading cards to battle Eren but those didn't come out until 1999... five years in the future of this fic... and everything else like beyblades and yugioh cards also didn't come out until '99 and 2000... /sigh... I looked up some popular trading card games and I saw that there was a Star Trek one released in 94, which is the year of this chapter... but I didn't feel like Jean or Eren would be much into Star Trek. Eren, maybe a little. So the classic Magic trading cards, which is lame compared to what I had in mind... but they're dorks anyway so it works.


	7. Sunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update! I whipped this one out of my ass I just really wanna get the plot rolling... even though I feel like I'm rushing it? I don't know! this is like, my first attempt at writing fic... I have no idea what I'm doing.  
> ANYWAY enjoy

A few weeks have gone by and I’ve fallen into a routine.  On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, Reiner has morning classes.  He usually leaves me breakfast on the coffee table with a note, then is back in time to walk me to class.  Wednesdays almost always result in a study session with Eren to help him understand the math lesson, and sometimes I sit with Connie and Jean for dinner, but they’ve been going off together on their own lately.  I find myself sharing most of my meals with Armin, which is actually quite pleasant.  On Tuesdays and Fridays, Reiner and I both have morning classes so we grab a quick breakfast at the local cafe together and then go our separate ways.  It’s all so predictable and I like it.  I feel comfortable, like I can almost bear living in my skin.

Saturday finds me and Armin at the school’s massive library, doing research for our chemistry class’s first big research paper.  Reiner is to meet up with us in an hour or so, he had a group project he had to do first for another class.  It’s okay though, I’m used to Armin’s company.

“Hey, Bertholdt?”

I let out a small sound let him know he has my attention.

“You know Reiner really well, right?”

His question throws me off a bit.  I nod my head.  He takes a minute to gather his thoughts, his brow furrowing.

“Is he… is he into guys?”

“Wh-what?” _Fuck, does he know? I knew he was freakishly perceptive, but… Even if Reiner doesn’t hide it well, I sure as hell do, so there’s no way he could know we’re a couple…_

“Sorry!  I suppose that’s not my place to ask… I just noticed that… Ah, sorry….” He trails off and looks down, blushing, “I was just wondering is all..”

I swallow.

“Why do you want to know?”

Armin keeps his eyes averted for a moment, letting an extremely small smile dance across his lips, then it’s gone when he looks up at me.  We’re stuck staring at each other as the pieces click in our minds.   _Armin likes Reiner_ and _Bertholdt knows I like Reiner_.  Armin opens his mouth but then closes it, sighs, then visibly relaxes.

“Never mind, it’s nothing important.”

I sit down, finally blinking and coming back to my senses.  Armin seems to sense my change in demeanor.

“Um, Bertholdt, if you don’t want to be friends anymore because I made you uncomfortable or something, I can leave.  Just… Just don’t tell anyone, please,” his voice almost becomes a whisper, “that I’m gay.”

I shake my head.

“I don’t mind, Armin.  We’re friends.” _Swallow it down, swallow the panic down._

Armin’s eyes flick up to mine.

“Really?”

I nod.  Armin smiles.

“Thanks, Bertholdt.  You’re a really nice person, you know that?”

 _Armin, if only you knew_.  He watches me for a minute and I shift uncomfortably.  He makes a sound to himself, almost like a “hmm” as if he were observing a test subject, but then his face clears and he smiles at me, and opens a large textbook.

“Well, let’s get started.”

I pick a rather unpleasantly heavy book from our “tower of knowledge,” as Armin referred to the pile of books, and flip to the index.  I sigh.  This is going to be a long day.

* * *

 

I grip the sheet under my pillow and arch my back under Reiner’s chest.  Face down, ass up is my favorite position because I don’t have to see myself, I don’t have to see anything, I can bury my face in my pillow and get lost in the sensation.  I press my thighs tighter together around Reiner’s cock and smile to myself when he lets out a small grunt and his hips falter in their rhythm.  His harsh breathing is all I can hear, short breaths that are picking up pace, until he’s gasping into the back of my neck and I feel his hot release dripping down the seam of my legs.  His weight goes heavy on top of me while he catches his breath and I stir, pushing up against him silently telling him to let up.  He wastes no more time basking in his afterglow and flips me over.  I sigh as he goes down on me and spread my dirty thighs over his shoulders.

* * *

 

After a shower and a change of bed sheets, Reiner holds me to his chest.  I listen to the thump of his heart, it’s one of my favorite sounds.

“Hey, Reiner.”

He presses his lips to the top of my head.

“Hm.”

“Today, Armin asked me a strange thing.”

Reiner doesn’t answer so I continue.

“He asked me if you liked guys.”

I feel Reiner lift his head up a little.

“He asked you that?”

“Yeah… I think he wanted to know because, well, by asking me that he kind of accidentally came out to me.  And I think he likes you.”

Reiner leaned back a few inches, allowing me to look up at him.

“He told you all that?  What did you say?”

“No, he didn’t tell me exactly.  As soon as he asked me about you he apologized and told me to forget about it.  When I asked why he wanted to know it all clicked, I could tell he liked you… he did say that he noticed something, he didn’t say what, but I think maybe he’s been paying close attention to you.  I didn’t say anything to him, he was kind of embarrassed.  But then he asked me not to tell anyone that he was gay and if I didn’t want to be his friend he’d understand.”

Reiner makes a face at that.

I continue, “I told him I didn’t mind and that I was his friend.  And that was the end of that.”

Reiner is quiet for a few, long seconds.

“...Reiner?”

“Why did you tell me this?”

I look up at him in the dark.

“I… I figured  you should know, not that Armin’s gay, but that he likes you.  He doesn’t know you’re with me and I don’t want him to know…. but… I don’t want him to have false hope either.”

Reiner considers this.

“Well, I’ll just let it play out. I won’t lead him on, obviously, and if he confronts me about it, I’ll have to be a heartbreaker.”

I rest my head back to his chest and sigh, feeling like a weight had been lifted off my chest.  Reiner hums.

“We should really tell him about us, though.”

I ignore Reiner.  I can’t entertain even the thought of it right now.  The panic is too great, so I push his words away and he gives up, sighing into my hair.  I let my eyes slip close.

“Armin, huh?”

He’s saying it more to himself than me, so I don’t answer and let his heartbeat lull me to sleep.

* * *

 

“So, Lotte, meet any men lately?  I can uh, take you out next time I’m home if you want,” Reiner inspects his nails casually, cradling the phone between his head and shoulder.  I exhale sharply through my nose.  Reiner looks up impassively at me.

“You sure?  A sweet lady like you should have someone to take care of them, someone to keep them warm at night--” I cut him off and grab the phone back, holding it against my chest.

“You done harassing my mother yet?”

“I’m not harassing her!”

I narrow my eyes and bring the phone to my ear, turning my back to Reiner.

“Hi mom.  Yeah, I know.  I’ll tell him that… he tricked me!  He said he was calling Hilde!”

Reiner comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, pressing his lips to my neck.  I try to shrug him off, swatting at him.  He just smiles against my skin and chuckles, his deep voice vibrating throughout his chest.

“Yeah, I’m good.  Reiner is also doing good, yeah.  Actually, about that, I wanted to tell you, I’m getting on the Dean’s list… I’m coming up top ranking in my classes and apparently second ranking in the basic foundation classes.”

I close my eyes and smile at my mother’s voice, the way it raises excitedly and showers me with praises, sweet and smooth, I swear I can smell peaches at the sound.  I miss her so much.  I lean back into Reiner and let him hold me for the rest of my phone call, not even thinking that someone could see us like this.  When I hang up he murmurs into the crook of my neck.

“I didn’t know you were doing that well with your grades… you’re sure to get scholarships or grants, totally.”

My lips quirk up at corners and I shrug.

“I didn’t really think it was a big deal…”

Reiner turns me around.

“What?  Are you serious?  This is great!  Hey, we should celebrate tonight.”

“No! Reiner, please, don’t…”

“Oh, come on!  Why not?”

“I don’t want anyone to know!”

“But why?”

“Because then they’ll pay attention to me, and my name.. and what if Eren finds out… or Armin! He’s smart, Reiner, he’ll know…”

Reiner sighs.

“What if it’s just us? Just me and you.  We can go out to eat, like a date or something.”

My stomach flutters at the thought.

“Okay… okay, yeah.”

Reiner beams and dips me back in a dramatic kiss.  Without my mother’s voice to occupy me, I am all too aware of our lack of privacy and immediately I flail, trying to upright myself.  The bastard just laughs against my lips and holds on tighter.  I push at his shoulders and let my head fall back, giving up momentarily in my struggle.

“You’re an asshole.”

“Aw, you don’t mean that, not after I just asked you on a date.”

I push at his shoulders again and he stands us both upright.

“Call your mother, Reiner.”

He steals another quick kiss and picks up the phone.  I let my mind drift as he dials his home and let the bubbles inside of me fuzz up like a freshly poured soda.  We’re going on a date.

<Hi Ma, guess what? Bertl made the Dean’s list!>

* * *

 

We ended up going to a quiet little place that was clearly a family owned restaurant.  The dinner menu was short and simple, offering meals that are homemade recipes with an Italian twist put on them.  The golden letters on the top read _Bott’s Lodge_.

“How’d you find this place?” I ask Reiner as I take in the homey, cottage decor washed over in low, warm lighting.  A fire crackles in the wood stove off to the side of the eating area.

“Jean actually mentioned it to me.  He said the family that owned it was a friend of his family’s.  He says he’s been eating here since elementary school and swears by it.”

The waitress, a high school aged girl with dark, curly hair and face full of freckles, comes and greets us.

“Good evening guys, I’m Mina, I’ll be taking care of you tonight.  Can I start you with something to drink?”

We place our drink orders and an appetizer, or rather, Reiner does.  Mina turns and leaves with a smile, her ponytail bouncing.

* * *

 

I make a note to thank Jean for the recommendation because the food was the perfect mix of home cooked meal and restaurant quality cooking.  The Bott’s know what they’re doing, that’s for sure.  Mina comes back, collects our plates and asks if we want to see a dessert menu.

“No, we’re okay.”

“Sure, that sounds great!”

She looks between us, amused at our overlapping responses, and Reiner smiles easily at her.

“That would be nice, thank you,” he reiterates and reaches over the table to cover my hand with his as she walks away.  I sink in my chair and try to pull my hand away.

“Please don’t?”

His eyes are hopeful and he looks at me with such adoration I just… I can’t say no to him tonight.  So I keep my hand there and refuse to look anywhere else but him and our table.  He laces his fingers with mine.  Mina returns with our menus and I turn my head down and away, feeling my face heat up.  Reiner thanks her and hands me a menu and keeps one for himself.  I open the menu and browse the short list.

“Hey, how about the cheesecake?” Reiner suggests.

I bite my lip, chewing on it while I look at my options.

“Can we get a fruit topping on it?”

Reiner looks down at the menu to see what toppings we can choose from.

“Sure, what do you want?”

“Peaches.”

Reiner smirks knowingly.

“Peaches it is, darlin’.”

* * *

 

The walk home was pleasant.  The October air was cooler now with Autumn rolling in, gently nudging Summer into hibernation for the Winter.  Our hands are warm against each other’s and our stomachs full, the faint taste of peaches still sits on my tongue.  It’s a sweet, sticky feeling and I don’t want to lose it.  Reiner swings my hand.

“So, did you enjoy yourself?”

I nod.

“I liked it.  I like it a lot.  We should go there together more often.”

Reiner brings our hands to his lips, kissing the back of mine softly.

“We should.”

We approach our dorm building and I slip out of his grasp and put my hands in my pockets.  He doesn’t say anything about it.

* * *

 

The weeks are repetitive and goes by  smoothly, I got the highest possible marks on my Chemistry midterms and my Literature paper was coming along smoothly.  But I can’t keep the guilt and uneasiness away.  I’m doing well and I’ve made friends, and I honestly mean it with my heart when I say this time of my life is the best I’ve ever had since I killed Marcel, but I feel… flat.  Reiner is adjusted so well, he’s a natural people’s person, and I’m not on his level.  Classes come easy for me, but I can’t say I enjoy any of them.  It’s just a routine I follow because that’s what I’m supposed to do.  I haven’t declared a major and I have no desire to.  After all, I’m going through these motions so I can go back home and live in the mountains with Reiner.  I ask myself every night what I’m doing here.  And my mind blurts out “healing” and “moving forward” but it’s in Reiner’s voice.  My stomach drops when I realize that I can’t keep up with him.  I think about a career and I don’t feel anything.  I need something repetitive, mindless.  Maybe get a job in a factory line, boxing mass produced items, something where I don’t have to think or talk to people.  I don’t want to be here anymore.  I want to go home with Reiner.  But Reiner _is_ healing and he does actually want something out of a university degree.  I’m not going to take this away from him.  I’ll go through the motions and go through with our plan, because although we have different methods and motives, our end goal is the same: survive together.

* * *

 

When I get out of classes Friday afternoon, Reiner is usually waiting to walk to the dorm with me but today he’s not here.  I wait for about 15 minutes until I decide to go back to our room and see if he’s there.  I try to keep calm as every possible horrible situation explaining Reiner’s absence plays through my mind, like a film I can’t turn off.  My heart is racing by the time I slip the key in the lock and turn the handle, blood thumping through my veins.  I open the door and see Reiner sitting on our couch reading a book.  I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and wipe my forehead with my sleeve.

“Hey, where were you after class today?” I ask as I walk into the room, shrugging my jacket off.

Reiner looks up and furrows his brow, thinking.

“Was I supposed to be somewhere?” he asks back, so innocently and genuinely confused.

“Well, no, not really, but we always meet up after our Friday classes.”

Reiner purses his lips and thinks for a moment before shrugging a shoulder.

“I must have forgotten… Sorry, Bertl.”

I sit down next to him and rest my head on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Reiner, I made it home safely all by myself,” I say playfully and kiss him on the cheek.  I was _not_ expecting Reiner to push me back by my shoulder.

“Bertholdt?”

His voice is breathy with a disbelieving laugh and he’s got one eyebrow raised.

“What?”

“What do you mean “what?”  You just kissed me!”

I blinked in confusion as a cold sensation washed over me.  Like if there was an iced version of molten lava, slowly pouring over my head and down my spine.

“Yes?”

Reiner let out another small laugh and shook his head.

“Why?”

 _What?_ I pressed my lips into a thin line and stood up.  I couldn’t feel my limbs as they carried me to our bedroom and shut the door, locking it behind me.  The room started to tilt and I closed my eyes, sliding down the door, cradling my head in my hands.  It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me and I was spiraling down a dark, endless hole.   _What the fuck just happened?  Why did he ask me that?_

A knock directly above my head cause me to snap my eyes open.

“Bertholdt, what’s going on?”

_You tell me, Reiner._

Another knock.

“Bertholdt, can you open the door?  I promise I’m not mad at you or anything, I want to talk.”

 _No, no, no,_ no _I can’t do this_.

“...Bertl? Please? You’re my best friend, we can talk about this.”

I actually let out an ugly sobbing noise at that and clamp my hand over my mouth.   _You’re my best friend._  What the fuck is happening?

I hear him sigh and shuffle outside the door.  Then his foot steps lead back to the couch and he sits down.  Another sigh.  I stand up slowly.  Okay, I can do this.  I’m going to open the door, and I’m going to talk to him.  This is _Reiner_ for fuck’s sake.  This is my boyfriend.  I can talk to him about this… this whatever it is.  The click of the door opening makes Reiner look up at me as I walk back to the couch.

“Bertl, sit with me?”

I sit down, leaving at least a foot of space between us.  He turns his body to face me.  I want to say something but no sound comes out.  My mouth feels too dry.  Reiner seems to pick up on my shutdown and exhales, resigning himself to be the first to speak.

“So… you kissed me.”

I nod.  He’s quiet for a minute.

“Does this mean you like me as more than a friend?”

I stare at him.  I want to scream _we are dating, we’ve been a couple since we were 13, you are currently my boyfriend what do you mean “do I like you more than a friend?”_ but all that comes out is “Reiner?”

He looks at me, confusion written all over his face.

“Is there something I’m not getting?”

I can’t answer him.  He scrubs his face.

“Okay, okay.  This is a lot to take in.”

_You’re telling me._

He steeples his fingers and seems lost in thought for minutes.  The silence drags on.

“So… this means you’re gay, right?”

Not really, I don’t really like people.  I just like Reiner.  I shrug.

“Cause, well, okay,” he runs his hand frustratingly through his short hair. leaving it spiked in its wake.  He seems to struggle with his words for a minute.

“I think… I think I’m gay too.  I didn’t want to tell you cause, well, you know how people are, and especially someone like me… Um, well,” he pauses, his face red in embarrassment, “I guess I’m just really relieved you made the first move or else I’d never have the courage to tell you.  I’m sorry if it was awkward for you, cause I don’t really feel that way in return, hell, Bertl, this is all happening so fast, but.  There it is.”

I stare at him.   _What_.  He looks over at me and uncertainty crawls over his face.

“Bertl, say something, man.  You’re really starting to worry me.”

I stand up shakily and stumble over the coffee table.  Reiner stands and grabs my arm, preventing me from face-planting on the floor.

“Whoa, hey, Bertholdt, what’s going on?  Dude, I didn’t mean to freak you out!”

I turn and look at him and bile starts to rise in my throat.   _Reiner, what is going on with you?_

“This didn’t change anything between us, right?  We’re still friends?”

Reiner looks worried, almost scared that I’m going to tell him otherwise.  I don’t know how to begin to answer him, so I nod my head slowly.  He visibly relaxes and lets go of my arm.

“So you’re not bothered by the fact I’m gay?”

I shake my head.

“You’re just freaked out over the whole kiss thing?

I consider this.  Yes, in a way, but not the way he’s thinking.  I nod my head.

“Hey, man, it’s okay.  Let’s let it go.  I don’t think it’s weird, although it was a bit forward coming from you… it was an honest misunderstanding.  But hey!  Because it happened, we both discovered we don’t dig chicks!  So that’s a plus.”

I tilt my head a little, more of an involuntary twitch.  Reiner rubs the back of his neck.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if Marcel was gay too… What a thought, the three of us…”

His voice fades and I can’t see.  Blue and black spots cloud my vision, sparkling over my eyes and won’t let up, no matter how much I blink.  My chest starts aching and I feel dizzy.  I fall to my knees and I’m only aware of the cold linoleum beneath my hands and the gasping sobs that are escaping my throat.  I can’t see, it’s hard to breath and _I can’t see._

I black out.

* * *

 

Bonus: Letters to Bertholdt

 

Mornin’ Bertl,

Got you a breakfast sandwich and some orange juice!  See you at 12 xoxoxoxo

Reiner

\--

Fuck, sorry darlin’ I’m running late today, uh, looks like you’re on your own for food.  I’m really sorry! I gotta go, see you later

xoxo Reiner

\--

Good morning my dear snuggle baby cuddle poopsie poof… Enjoy your breakfast.  I’ll see you after my class. xoxo

Reiner

\--

Bertholdt, real relationship question: if you accept this granola bar, will I get a blowjob later?

xoxo Reiner

\--

You shoulda seen the way you were sleeping this morning. I think we’re gonna get a hurricane.  Eat up, it might be your last meal if we’re getting a storm as bad as I think it will be… see you later, Bertl.

xo Reiner

\--

When I get outta class I’m gonna wine and dine you so hard.  Get your best dress shirt ready!  Tonight’s a date night.  No reason, other than you were fucking gorgeous this morning.

xoxo Reiner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I've read in a few fics that Marco has a younger sister named Mina, Droplets being the main one, I'm pretty sure, and I LOVE that name so I went with it here... hope that's okay. And yes, that means that the waitress Mina is Marco's younger sister here... But where's Marco? Uh oh... well. I'm not saying anything!


	8. Aphotic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling a little better about this chapter than the last one. I'm a little heavy handed with the metaphors, but whatever, I couldn't help myself. I wanted the chapter to be longer... but... I think this is okay for now.... How's the pacing? Is it getting boring? If anyone wants to let me know that'd be great! I've never written a story before, so although I know what's going to happen.. I'm not exactly sure if I'm structuring it properly. (also my tumblr is 17-honey-bunches-of-goats)

I honestly don’t remember passing out or waking up.  It’s like when you drift off to sleep in class and jerk awake only moments later.  You’re not sure if you actually fell asleep, because it doesn’t feel like you fell asleep, but you can’t, for life of you, remember the past 30 seconds.  It’s a scary feeling, really.

What I _am_ aware of is that I’m laying on my back and there are warm hands on my face.

“Bertholdt?”

I blink and try to sit up, but the hands move to my shoulders and gently hold me down.

“Don’t sit up yet, Bertholdt. You just passed out.”

My eyes clear up and I focus on Reiner leaning over me, his face cast in shadow and the overhead light creating a halo around his dark silhouette.  Our conversation comes crashing back over me and I feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on my chest, funneled into the surfaces of Reiner’s palms.  My lungs can’t expand, my ribs feel like a cage that’s squeezing too tight.  It takes me a few seconds to realize the sharp, high pitched gasps are coming from me.

“Hey, Bertholdt, calm down, breathe.”

I can’t, I _can’t_.  Reiner’s form moves out from over me and I slam my eyes shut as the ceiling light shines bright in my eyes, and I focus on the green afterimage that’s left behind, a ghostly glow on my retina that shifts to violet to red to orange as it slowly fades.  By focusing on that, I can calm myself and start to regulate my breaths.  In through my nose, out through my mouth, in through my nose, out through my mouth.  Hands guide and support me as I sit up and rub my eyes, taking comfort in the shapes that flash and morph across my eyelids.

“Bertholdt, are you feeling okay?”

I continue to rub my eyes and don’t answer him, letting the blood in my head resume its normal circulation.  The wave of dizziness passes and I lower my hands and crack open my eyes, peering at Reiner through my lashes.  He’s sitting back on his heels, watching me with a furrowed brows.  Fuck, Reiner… Just looking at him makes me pinch the bridge of my nose and wince.  I can’t handle this.  I don’t know what to think, how to make sense of this.  Reiner has always been my anchor, my one place of solace, the one person who will hold me together.  And now I’m not so sure.  I feel like I’m on a lifeboat out at sea, the rope that once tethered me to the main ship drifts behind me, cut and frayed.  I feel lost and there’s no land in sight, just endless water that curves along the circumference of the earth, creating a bowed horizon.  It’s too expansive, too open.  How can I feel safe and grounded when instead of sturdy arms to hold me I have the bottomless depths of the ocean, cold and blue beneath me?

“...Bertholdt?  Darlin’?”

I freeze and my heart jumps into my throat.  The candle inside of my heart flickers back to life pathetically, feeding on hope as if it were oxygen.  Was this whole thing a dream?  It wasn’t real, was it?  Am I going crazy?

“Reiner?”

Reiner exhales and relaxes, reaches out and cups my face with one, warm hand.  The flame grows in my heart, and it’s burning inside, filling me with a familiar warmth.

“I was really worried about you for a minute.  Are you sick?  Do you feel dizzy?”

 _Reiner_.  Tears slip out of my eyes and my shoulders shake as I try to suppress my cries, but that causes me to choke on my breaths, my nerves tripping over the air and my throat is closing up.  I feel Reiner supporting my weight, leaning me against his chest, holding me in his arms.   _I’m in his arms_.  His chest vibrates with his smooth, deep voice and I can’t make out what he’s saying but he’s talking low, soothingly to me, just to me and I grab onto it, revel in the way it makes me feel.  These emotions battling in my head, struggling in my heart.  My grasp on reality is slipping away, and I’ll never find the other half of the rope, trailing behind my lost, little lifeboat drifting precariously in these gloomy waters.  But Reiner’s a beam of light, extending through the fog, beckoning me to shore.  Strong and certain, the lighthouse stands tall during the worst of storms, promising safety.  I follow the light, I let him lead me, I don’t care anymore, I don’t.  Whatever just happened, I can’t think about it.  I hold onto his voice, I crush it in my grasp, and I don’t let go, even when my cries turn to small fits of hysterical giggles, I don’t let go until I see land.  Until I’m home.

* * *

 Time is a weird concept.  November 18th, 1988 soon becomes “one month ago,” then “one year ago,” then “five years ago,” but in that one moment, when Marcel’s name left Reiner’s lips, November 18th, 1988 became “one minute ago.”  I felt like I was back in the rubble, staring at Marcel’s crushed form, the blood spreading around his lifeless hand, still warm red and sparkling in the sun.

Right now, November 18th, 1988 happened three and half hours ago, and Reiner has me wrapped in his arms, lips pressed to my temple.  We’re nested away in our bed, under the covers, hidden from the rest of the world.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the doctor’s?  You passed out, that’s pretty serious.”

His breath is warm and damp and I love it.

“No, honestly, I’m okay.”

“...I don’t believe you, Bertl.  You were really upset.”

I’m quiet for a while.  Gentle kisses are pressed into my skin, right where my hairline traces the side of my face.

“I was,” I start, “I was.  But.  I think I’m okay now.”

That’s not entirely the truth, I know I’m not okay.  The cracks have been spreading slowly, reaching out like lightning across my sanity.  But Reiner doesn’t need to know that, I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want anything worse to happen to him.  I need to protect him, too.

“Well, if you say so.”

Reiner settles down with a noise that reminds me of a tired dog laying in the sun.  I let my eyes flutter close and listen to his breathing.  It’s not the same.  It’s wrong, it’s off.  I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel secure in his arms, I feel like I’m teetering on an edge, unsure if the direction I fall will land me on solid ground or throw me into the abyss.  Three hours and forty-three minutes ago, everything fell apart, and I’m still not sure what to make of the pieces.

* * *

Ymir slams her hands down on the table, successfully getting Jean, Connie, Armin, Reiner, Sasha, and I to look up at her.

“You fools coming to mine and Christa’s Halloween party this weekend?  Costumes required.”

Christa, the blonde girl standing behind Ymir, peeks out and places a few papers on the table.

“These are the invitation details.  We’d really love it if you all could come!”

Sasha and Connie snatch up an invitation and give it a quick scan as they shove more food in their mouths.  Armin smiles and thanks the two girls, to which Christa beams in response and Ymir rolls her eyes and drags the small girl away, muttering something.  Reiner and Jean are staring after them, mouths slightly agape.

“Man, that Christa sure is an angel,” Jean breaks the silence, “really, have you seen someone so … _cute?_ ”

Connie takes a huge bite of pizza as he scoffs at Jean and rolls his eyes.

“Keep dreaming Jean, this face is the prettiest one you’ll have the pleasure of--,” he spits out around a mouthful of food, pointing to himself, and getting cut off abruptly by Jean’s elbow to his ribs.  Jean scowls and shoves Connie’s head down towards the table, ignoring Connie’s protests, which are along the lines of “watch the pizza, man!”

I nudge Reiner, who is still watching Christa at another table, and he snaps back to reality, taking in Jean and Connie’s bickering with a snort.

“Although you gotta admit, Connie, Jean is right.  She’s the kind of girl I’d marry,” Reiner says.

If I weren’t too busy staring at him with my heart caught in my throat, I’d notice Armin staring at him too, dejection too easy to read in his bright blue eyes.  Jean rests his chin on his hand and smiles knowingly at Reiner.

“She is nothing short of a goddess, huh?”

Sasha takes that moment to bang at her chest with her fist, making a horrible retching sound that is followed by a burp.  Connie and Jean fix her with a disgusted look and Armin looks slightly horrified.

“It’s amazing you’re in a relationship at all, you know that?”

Sasha gives Jean the stink eye and shoves another bite of mac and cheese in her mouth.

“Shut up, _Jean_ , ‘Kasa loves me, sounds and all.”  She swallows and continues, “you’re just mad because she’s sitting on my face and not yours.”

Just about all of us, except Armin, nearly choke on our food, Jean turning bright red.  Sasha continues to eat, whether she’s aware of our reactions or not.  Jean stammers for a minute before spitting out “well, _that’s_ not even happening because Mikasa is on the other side of the country right now!”  Which earns him a well deserved used napkin to his face.  Eren and Annie take this moment to stroll up to our table and take their seats next to Armin.

“Hey guys, what are you all arguing about?”

Jean’s head snaps in the direction of Eren and he points accusingly at Sasha, stretching his arm through Connie’s personal space to reach her.  “Sasha is going on about _your_ sister and the disgusting things they do to each other in the bedroom!”  Eren’s already huge eyes open wider and he stands up, pushing his chair back loudly.

“Don’t tell me these things about my sister, Jean!  You shouldn’t even be talking about her like that!”

Jean looks like he was just slapped, his eyes wide and mouth slack in disbelief, before schooling his expression into his signature sneer and standing up himself, leaning over Armin to get in Eren’s face.

“ _Me?!_  I’m not the one talking about her, you idiot!  Her disgusting girlfriend is!”

“I don’t see Sasha saying anything!  I just see your stupid face and your stupid mouth flapping its gums off about my sister!”

Poor Armin is stuck between them, pushing at their chests trying his damn hardest to get them to sit down.  Finally, Annie pulls Eren down and shoots Jean a look, which causes him to flinch back, then scowl, then consider his options, his internal debate on whether he should let it go or not played out through his shifting expressions. He finally sits down with a huff and angrily rips off a bite of his sandwich.  I hadn’t noticed that I had inched closer to Reiner throughout their yelling, and I scold myself for being so careless.  I reluctantly lean back into my own chair, taking a moment to rein in my emotions, put on a face.  I need to stay in complete control.

“You guys are pieces of work,” Reiner laughs out, “I’m the one who should be angry, Eren, you’re blocking my view!”

Eren looks around, genuinely confused.

“View? What view?”

Reiner motions for Eren to lean to the side, and Eren follows his gaze to Christa.  Eren rolls his eyes and sits back properly in his seat, effectively blocking Reiner’s view once again.

“Oh, give me a break, Reiner.  You do realize if Ymir caught wind of anyone looking at her precious Christa, she’d slice off their balls and mount them on the wall.”

Reiner sighs and then leans back in his char.

“That’s okay, Armin looks enough like Christa to appease me,” he says with a wink.  Armin sits up pin straight and stares at Reiner with wide eyes, his face turning redder and redder by the second.  So much for staying in complete control, I feel like I’m about to explode.  Eren also looks like he’s about to explode, wearing a face as if someone just dumped their drink on him.

“H-hey, what do you mean by that? Armin don’t look like a girl!” Eren says frantically, turning on Reiner.  Jean laughs and pipes in, “he didn’t say he looked like a girl, he said he resembled Christa!  And it’s true, look at him!  They could easily be twins!”

Armin furrows his eyebrows and looks anywhere but Reiner.

“I guess we do look similar… but probably just because of the hair and our height…”

“And your round face and big, blue eyes,” Reiner states and looks at Armin with soft eyes and a slight smirk pulling at one corner of his mouth.  I know that look, he’s flirting… Reiner’s flirting with Armin.  Why?  I clear my throat and look down at my food, trying my hardest to keep it together, but it’s difficult when Reiner doesn’t even pass me a glance.

_Reiner?  ….darlin’?_

“Stop teasing him, Reiner! Or else I’ll teach you a lesson, I will!” Eren all but screams across the table, standing up again.  Annie ignores him completely, seeming not to mind when Eren’s fury is aimed at Reiner.  Armin is the one who stands up and calms Eren down, placing his hands on Eren’s shoulder, begging him to sit.  Reiner chuckles and stretches, placing his hands behind his head, obviously pleased with himself.  My food doesn’t look appealing anymore, actually, the smells are making me queasy.  I try to take a bite but I can’t even bring the sandwich halfway up to my mouth before I drop it back down on its plate.

“You okay?”

Reiner’s voice.  I glance over at him and try to smile.

“I’m… I’m not very hungry anymore.  I think I’m going to lay down for a bit.”

Reiner raises an eyebrow at me, concerned but reserved, giving me some space.  But I don’t need the space, Reiner, I don’t _want_ the space.

“You gonna finish that?  Do you want me to save it for you?”

The waves push me back out to sea, away from the shore.  I don’t have a sail, I don’t even have an oar.  I can only watch as the land gets smaller and smaller.

I shake my head.

“You can have it.”

That’s all I can manage to get past my lips before I’m up and walking a brisk pace back to our dorm room, holding my bundled coat up to my chest, not having bothered to put it on when I rushed out.

* * *

 

“Hi mom.  I’m doing... good.  No, nothing’s wrong.  Just been busy with a lot of school work… Yeah, I know.  I’ve been sleeping well, promise!  Oh, uh, Reiner?  He’s not here, actually, he has a big paper due soon and is busy with that… I know Hilde won’t take that as an excuse… but…  that’s what he told me to say.  Alright, he can deal with his mother’s wrath later.  Yes, I’m okay, mom.  Please don’t worry about me…”

* * *

 

I find myself sitting on the couch, staring at an opened textbook.  I’m not too sure when I had sat down, or when I returned to the room after talking to my mother.  I try reading the first line again, _when an element has two or more species of atoms, each with the same number of protons but a different number of neutrons, the different species are called isotopes_ , and as soon as I think maybe some words are catching on the surface of my brain, I’m drawn back out of my concentration and staring at the dorm’s door.

The sound of keys, a laugh, doors closing, footsteps, the lock turning, our door opening.

Reiner comes in and shrugs off his coat as he walks to the couch.  He throws it over the couch’s arm and plops down between the coat and me, causing the coat to fall to the floor where it will stay until he has to go back out.

“Hey Bertl,” he says with a quick kiss to my temple.  I can’t help it, I feel my eyes watering, but I refuse to let any tears fall, I can feel my stomach begin to reject the food I had eaten earlier, but I refuse to give into its churning.  I must look pretty awful because Reiner rubs my shoulder.

“Hey, you feeling okay?”

 _No, I’m not._  I put a hand over my mouth. I don’t trust myself to say anything, or rather, not puke all over my lap.

“You want to go lay down?  You’ve been doing homework for a while, right?”

I can’t take this, I can’t keep pushing this down.  Reiner pulls me into his chest, and I hate how vulnerable it makes me feel, how one sided it is, how dishonest I’m being.  He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know that… I think he’s being dishonest with himself, too.  I push him away and sit up, ignoring his confused and slightly hurt look.

“Reiner, I don’t know how you can say those things at lunch then expect me to be okay.”

Reiner stares at me as if I spoke in fluent ancient Latin instead of English.

“Bertholdt, what the hell are you talking about?”

He doesn’t remember, just like before.  He’s forgotten what he’s said.

“Nothing.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.”  Yes, forget it again.

“Bertholdt, you’re not making any sense. Come on, let’s go lay down.  Okay?”

I feel something inside of me snap at his dismissal.  I am not crazy.  I may be many things, but I’m not that.  Before I wasn’t so sure, but now I am. I know I am not crazy.  I am not imagining things.

“Why? Wouldn’t you rather go lay down with Christa, the perfect little angel of a girl, who’d be such a good wife?” I didn’t mean to yell, and as soon as I see Reiner’s shocked face I immediately regret saying anything.  Stupid, I’m being stupid.  He has no idea what’s going on, that much is obvious.  I may not understand what is happening with him, but I know that I am coming off as crazy from his point of view.

“Reiner, wait, I’m sorry.  I…” I don’t know what to say.

Reiner turns his head to stare at the floor, his mouth set in a hard line.  Finally, he speaks, still facing the floor.

“Why would you say that I want to sleep with Christa?  I’m yours, always have been.  I can’t even fathom being with anyone but you.  Bertholdt,” Reiner looks up at me and meets my eyes, “I mean it, I would never leave you.  I can’t leave you, you’re everything to me.”

I can’t say anything.  His gaze doesn’t leave mine.

“You understand that, don’t you?”

I nod my head and let myself believe him,  I don’t want to think about this, I can’t handle it.  So I vow to not speak out about it again, if it means I can hold onto these moments where everything is okay.  I’m being tossed in roaring waters, frothy waves splashing the sides of my boat in turmoil.  The lighthouse towers over me, the light shining through the dark skies. Rocky cliffs keep me at bay, but I have sight of my salvation, my anchor to land.  I just hope I don’t slip away if a storm rolls in.


	9. Abnegate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Freedom in a cage, no sun and too much rage_  
>  _I don't know how much I can take_  
>  _Push it down inside but it knows just where I hide_  
>  _I know that normal's hard to fake_  
>  _Bleeding into life, it's like a thousand knives_  
>  _Are slowly turning me into this_  
>  _Why does it have to be like this?_  
>  \- [Socio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db1g7l1MVJs), Stone Sour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE FINALLY UPDATED oh man... "don't start writing more than one multi-chapter fic at the same time" they said, "don't overwhelm yourself" they said... I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.../lays down. I hope this good and y'all enjoy it! I'm convinced everything that comes out of my fingertips is boring as fuck so...

"Reiner, no way."

I shoot him a look and eye the black costume makeup he's holding up to my face.

"Oh come on, what's a cat without whiskers?"

I push his hand down.

" _No_ , Reiner. I don't even want to go."

He rolls his eyes but relents, placing the makeup down on the cluttered bathroom counter.  It's true though, I really don't want to go to Christa and Ymir's Halloween party.  But, alas, I am weak and Reiner convinced me with puppy eyes and kisses, even though each press of his lips crushed my heart

I will away the creeping sick feeling and look at my pathetic self in the mirror.  I'm wearing a black sweater I found at a thrift store and cat ears.  It counts as a costume, right?  Reiner drapes a fuzzy black scarf around my neck, one of those weird, stretchy tube scarves.  I don't want to know where he got the damn thing, so I don't ask, but I'm suspecting he either stole it from his little sister's room before we left for college or went to the little girl's section of a clothing store.  And those only bring up more questions and I really don't want the answers.  I make a face and hold up the scarf between two fingers.  Really?

"Aw come on babe, you won't wear a tail _or_ whiskers so just let me have this."

"A fuzzy scarf?"

"Yeah, you need _some_ sexy factor besides the cat ears.  You're a black cat for fuck's sake."

"...So, a fuzzy scarf?"

Reiner cocks his hip and puts his hand on his chin, exaggerating a pondering look.

"Yes, definitely a fuzzy scarf."

He's so fucking weird.  And to support that, he's wearing a cop's costume, right, a cop's costume that he purposefully bought a size too small so he can't button it all the way and oh my god he looks so ridiculous.  Like, yeah, he's hot as hell but I can't even focus on that with how goofy he looks with the white shirt stretched over his chest, a pair of aviators hooked on the low V of his open collar, and a badge that says "Ass Police, We Have the Right to Check what's in the Trunk."

He puts his cop hat on and throws himself the finger guns in the mirror, then leaves the bathroom.

"Come on, Bertl! Time to go party!"

I look to the ceiling and ask any god that exists to give me strength as I follow him out and throw on my coat.

* * *

 

We walk to Christa's house a little ways off campus, since Ymir lives down the hall from us and the dorms are too small and too illegal to have a college party.  It's cold and I sulk the entire way behind Reiner, regretting my decision to go more and more with every step I take.  Finally, we arrive and climb up the steps to the huge house, music and voices getting louder as we get closer to the front door.  Reiner doesn't even bother ringing the bell and strolls right in, and I reluctantly follow inside.  It's loud and crowded, all of our friends there and then some I didn't know, and oh god the assault on my eyes with all the costumes and Halloween decorations.  At least it's warm.

"Reiner!  Yo!"

Ymir comes out of nowhere and throws her arm around his shoulders, spilling her drink on the floor behind him, and punches his bicep with her free hand.  She's wearing a gray suit with a bright red tie and devil horns.

"Nice costume, didn't know they made stripper uniforms in your size," Ymir teases.

Reiner barks out a laugh and pushes her off of him and pulls me to his side.

"Out of our way, Ymir, we got an entrance to make."

Ymir rolls her eyes and shoos us away after taking our coats muttering about obnoxious queers or something, and my stomach flips.  Did she say what I think she did?  I have an acidic taste in the back of my throat and this scarf is becoming way too warm.  Well, the party's off to a great start.

We find Christa in the kitchen wearing a short white tube dress and white platform go-go boots.  She's got a halo and angel wings.

"Reiner! Bertholdt! Welcome and Happy Halloween!  Help yourself to drinks!"

Reiner smiles and adjusts the rim of his hat.

"Don't mind if I do, Miss."

He digs in and soon I have a cup of something foul smelling being shoved in my hands.

"Drink up, Bertl, we're gonna have fun tonight!"

Reiner takes a huge sip of whatever he has and grimaces but sticks it out, following it with another gulp.  Wow, what a champ.  My hero.  I take a small sip of my drink and the burns makes me shudder.

"What is this?"

Reiner swirls what's in his cup.

"Vodka and Coke, a college classic."

I'm not a fan of any kind of soda.  And vodka, well, it's an acquired taste.  Or is that wine?  Whatever, point is, the mix is disgusting.  Regardless, Reiner raises his glass to mine in a toast then downs the rest of his.

"Reiner, please take it easy. I don't want to be carrying your drunk, bulk of a body home in the cold."

Reiner pours himself another drink.

"One more cup of hard liquor and then I'll stick to beer.  Promise."

Good enough, I guess.  We move to the living room and there we find Jean and Connie arguing over something and Armin sitting on the couch watching them with mild interest.  Connie has his whole head painted white and has his face done up as a skeleton and Jean has his hair slicked back and a high collared cloak.  When he sneers, sharp teeth poke out from under his thin lips.  Armin is dressed in a black and yellow striped shirt and dons bumblebee wings and sparkly antennae.  I go to sit next to him.

"Hey, Bertholdt!"

Armin looks at me with bright eyes and looks like he's genuinely having a good time.  I motion towards Connie and Jean.

"Entertainment for the night?"

Armin lets out a laugh.

"You have no idea.  They're arguing over whether you're supposed to recycle bottle caps or throw them away."

"Who's winning?"

Armin brushes his hair behind his ear and leans forward.

"Well, Connie says you're supposed to throw them away but Jean is insisting they're recyclable because it's plastic, like the bottles.  Connie is going on about how they're not the same kind of plastic, but he doesn't have any good supporting evidence or solid facts to back his argument up.  He knows what he's talking about, he just doesn't know how to say it.  He's pretty bad at debating.  And Jean... Well, I guess he's winning just because he's being a stubborn know it all and is pushing Connie into a corner."

I watch them bicker a little more and take another sip of my drink before abandoning it on the coffee table.

"So," I turn back to Armin, "are the caps recyclable?"

Armin shrugs.

"Beats me."

At this point Sasha comes in and spots me and Armin, pushes through Connie and Jean and grabs our hands.

"Come on!  Let's dance!"

I can't believe it.  She's dressed as a banana.  She pulls me and Armin to our feet and walks us on each of her arms to the adjacent room that's huge and scattered with people dancing and mingling.  Shit.

"Uh, Sasha, I think I'm going to go find Reiner."  I need to get out of here.

"Aw come on, Bertholdt, I wanna dance!  Give a girl a break and let her dance with a tall, handsome cat."

I back up a little, totally embarrassed.

"Uh, but don't you have a girl, um, girlfriend?"

Sasha spins Armin around and then spins herself around, pulling on my hand again.

"So? What's that gotta do with anything?"

I don't know what to say.  I need to go find Reiner.

"I'm going to find Reiner.  Um, sorry, Sasha."

But lucky me, Reiner happens to show up right behind me and I turn around to be face to face with his sunglasses clad face.

"Hey kitty cat."

Sasha bounces up to my side and swings on my arm.

"See, there he is, now come dance with me!"

Reiner places his hand on my shoulder and leans in to talk to me.

"You doing okay Bertl?"

I nod my head.

"Wanna dance?"

"Not really."

"Not even with this dashing banana?" He motions towards Sasha who is looking up at me with big eyes, her round face sticking out of her yellow costume.

Reiner wraps one arm around my shoulder and the other around Sasha's and guides us to the middle of the dance space.  He and Sasha start to sway and dance, all sorts of ridiculous hip gyrations and exaggerated disco moves.  Between the cop suit straining at its seams and Sasha's banana costume, I just can't.  I'm torn between secondhand embarrassment, horror, and amusement.  I look around for Armin but I see that he's already been swept away by Eren and Annie, being spun and passed between the two.  Eren has his hair gelled back styled with a lone curl falling on his forehead.  He and Annie have matching leather jackets and white t-shirts, his tucked into his high waist skinny jeans and hers tucked into a bright red poodle skirt.  She has a matching red ribbon in her hair, which is styled in loose curls, bouncing around her face as she moves.  I thought I'd never see her in makeup but I suppose there's a first for everything as she leans over and leaves a bright red kiss mark on Eren's cheek.

"Hey, kitty cat, come'ere."

Reiner pulls me flush against him and wraps his arms around me.  Oh no, no. No, no, no.  I push my hands against his chest trying to put as much space between us as possible.

"Aw, come on, Bertl, just relax, no one's gonna think anything of it.  Look, everyone's dancing with everyone."

I keep my hands where they are but give up pushing against him.  I keep my head down and let him move me along.

"But Ymir called us queers earlier."

Reiner leans in, grinning stupidly and I can see my face reflected in his aviators and I fucking hate that.  I fucking hate the stupid cat ears I'm wearing and the fact we are surrounded by people and he's holding me and I can't even pretend I'm invisible cause I'm watching it happen whenever I look at him.

"Well, we are, aren't we?"

He must have seen the face I made cause he quickly amends himself.

"She didn't mean it like that, babe.  She's a huge fucking lesbian, she didn't mean it as an insult."

"But she knows."

"And she doesn't care, Bertl."

I push away from him and back up a few steps, bumping into a girl with dark hair pulled into pigtails and dressed as a mermaid.

"Ah, sorry. Um."

I feel stupid as I leave Reiner behind, ignoring him calling my name and go sit back on the couch, where it's less crowded.  Jean and Connie are still there but have moved on from arguing to tossing cheese puffs at each other and trying to catch them in their mouths.  They're children, I swear.

"Hey man, dancing too much for ya?" Connie asks me as a cheese puff hits his cheek.

I shrug.

"It's not really my thing."

Jean pipes up.

"Not mine, either."

At least I'm not the only one.  Sasha comes in a few moments later, hair sticking out around where the costume surrounds her face.  She takes a handful of chips and shoves them in her mouth.

"Reiner's looking for you, Bertholdt."

"I know."

She shoves another handful into her mouth and waits until she's done chewing to speak.

"If you know then go find him, duh."

Connie throws a cheese puff at Sasha, who catches it with her hands after it bounces off her nose, then promptly devours it.

"Hey Connie, wanna dance?"

Connie stands up, his height barely reaching the top of Sasha's costume and loops his arm with hers.  He turns and salutes to me and Jean, saying he'll be back later and then is pulled off.

I'm left sitting with Jean, who looks like he just sucked on a lemon.  I can't tell if he's angry about something or if that's just his face.  Finally after a short awkward silence, he turns to me.

"You should probably go find Reiner."

"I will in a while."

"Whatever man, I don't know what the deal is with you two, but don't let a stupid fight ruin your night."

"Oh.  Um.  We're not fighting."

Jean looks over and studies me for a minute.

"Then what's the deal?  Just go find him."

"It's fine, Jean.  Why do you care?"

He narrows his eyes at me then looks down and scuffs his foot on the floor.

"I'm just saying, if you feel strongly for someone, don't let stupid things get in the way.  Just go for it, cause one day the moment won't be there anymore."

What the fuck?  Where is this coming from?

"Oh."  I feel myself starting to sweat and I loosen the stupid scarf.

"...You do love him, right?"

I freeze.  On one hand, if I say no, I'm lying, and lies eat me away inside.  If I say yes, well, then Jean will know, and _I can't let anyone know._ But if I keep staring at the floor and don't answer he'll know the answer on his own.  Fuck.

"He's my best friend."

Jean sighs.

"Whatever, man.  It doesn't matter.  I know he means a lot to you, and you can't run away every time you get scared of something.  Like I said, moments go by fast, and one day you're stuck wishing you grabbed onto them instead of watching dumbly as they slipped away."

He's making sense, and I know he's making sense, but I don't know if it's helping or making me more nervous.  It should be comforting me, but instead he's just driving the point home that nothing good will come by being passive, and I know that I'm not going to do anything about it.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Jean scrubs his face with his hands.

"Because I had a best friend, okay?  He meant everything to me and now he's not here anymore and there are so many things I never said to him that I should have.  It fuckin' sucks.  So whatever you're freaking out about, just let it go, fuck it.  It's not worth it in the long run."

I don't know what to do.  On one hand, Jean's right.  And I'm almost tempted to listen to him.  To take a shot of liquid courage and just let all the fears and insecurities go.  Be proud of what Reiner and I have, what we are.  But then I can't get the image of Marcel's dead body out of my head and Reiner forgetting about it completely, forgetting who I am to him.  It's so confusing and too much for me, it's just too much.  Whoever Jean is talking about isn't the same as Reiner.  His circumstance isn't mine, and I can bet he hasn't had to deal with mass murder and a disintegrating relationship, a relationship that we're both overly dependent on, a relationship that is keeping me alive.  A relationship that keeps flickering in and out of existence.  But I  don't want to sit here anymore so I figure finding Reiner wouldn't be a bad idea.

"I'm going to go find Reiner," I say as I stand up, then quickly add as an afterthought, "Thanks, Jean.  For your advice."

He nods his head and then looks off to nowhere in particular, letting his sour expression return.

* * *

 

I find Reiner still dancing, but it's turned into a weird dance contest that is really an excuse to take shots whenever... Sasha slips, I think.  I can't figure out the rules they made up but it seems every two seconds everyone is yelling and cheering and someone is taking a shot.  Christa and Ymir are making out in the corner, Eren's sitting on the stereo table with Annie in his lap, and Reiner is center of attention, his shirt completely unbuttoned and he's wearing Armin's bumblebee antennae.  Armin is dancing with the mermaid with pigtails, Reiner's cop hat sitting crooked on his messy hair.

"Bertholdt! Oh my god, come here!"

Reiner spots me and pulls me into the space, swaying and clumsy on his feet.

"Reiner, you're totally drunk!"

He pulls me closer to him and grabs my ass, and I am _so_ grateful it's dark and everyone is probably too drunk or preoccupied to notice.

"Yup, and you're lookin' pretty damn fine right now."

"Reiner, please, not here."

He lets me move his hands off me and I take a step back.  His face falls, but he schools it into a blank expression, and in a moment of sobriety he leans in and whispers to me.

"I'm sorry, Bertl."

I nod at him and all of a sudden feel like I'm the one who should be apologizing.  I lamely pat his shoulder.

"I'm going to go sit down, somewhere, okay?"

He nods and smiles at me, but I tell it's forced.

_Moments go by fast, and one day you're stuck wishing you grabbed onto them instead of watching dumbly as they slipped away._

I wish I was brave enough to be what Reiner needs.

* * *

 

I don't go sit down, I go for a walk.  I take off my cat ears and hang them on the coat rack on my way out.  The night air's crisp and clear, no clouds in the sky to block the moonlight from illuminating the sidewalk.  It's late and not many cars are out, even for a city's standard, just a few taxis and some of the late night busses.  I inhale deeply through my nose letting the cold burn my throat.  It smells smoky and sharp, like dead leaves mixed with snow.  I'm dreading the winter.  Short days and cold weather, wet sneakers and winds that sting your face.  School is in full swing and of course, my birthday is smack dab in the middle of it all.  I don't know how I'm supposed to survive it year after year, but somehow I do.  I think Reiner plays a huge role in that.

I sit on a cold bench in an empty park and watch my breath crystallize in front of me as I sigh and pull my coat collar higher around my neck.  I look up to the stars sparkling their way through the light pollution.  The universe is so expansive and vast, and it makes me feel small.  I'm just an organism on a speck of floating dirt, my life is just a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things.  The queasiness in my stomach slowly dissipates as I stare up at the sky, and in this moment, I know my life is insignificant.  I don't matter, nothing does.  Relief washes over me and I almost cry at how something so empty is the most comfort I've had in a long time.

Wouldn't it be perfect if the world ended?  In one flash, everything and everyone would be gone.  Caring about things that matter hurts too much, but we could be wiped out in a quick, painless death and it would all be okay.  Because it's all insignificant.  All the weight off my shoulders.  Just like that.

I let my eyes fall close and fantasize, getting lost in the feeling of being outside of myself.  It's nice, this quiet.  To be given a break from my constant inner turmoil. It's so exhausting to keep up with.  I wish I could say that I feel even loneliness, sitting in a park at night contemplating the meaninglessness of my existence, but I don't.  I don't feel anything.

My feet start to go numb and I stand, stomping them a few times to try to get blood flow back on track.  I suppose I should go back to Christa's in case someone actually noticed my absence.  I doubt it, but Reiner might have.  Without a look back, I leave the park and make my way to the party.

* * *

 

I'm correct in my assumption that no one has noticed I had left, and the party seems have died down a little, less people and less energy.  People stand in little groups talking quietly and nursing drinks, and some people are playing games of cards or watching TV.  For the most part, people have winded down and are enjoying the last of their buzzes before they pass out.

Eren and Annie are laying on the couch, Annie asleep on Eren's chest and Eren playing with her hair looking like he's ready to call it a night himself.

"Eren, do you know where Reiner is?"

Eren blinks a few times at me and then screws his face up trying to form words.

"Uh, I don't know man, I think he went upstairs."

I waste no time in making my way up the stairs but stand at the top unsure of what I should do.  No one was really up here, as these were the bedrooms.  I see a closed door decorated with stickers and ribbons and assume that's Christa's and definitely occupied by Christa and Ymir.  I walk down the hallway and peek in each room as I go, if the door's open.  Nothing.  No one is in the guest room or the bathroom.  That leaves one more door...

I open it and take a minute to register that what I'm looking at is, in fact, Jean with Connie's head between his legs.  They're in a supply closet, I'm not sure _why_ when there's a free bedroom just across the hall.  Jean is standing against the side wall, gripping onto a shelf, his head bowed as he lets out gasps, trying to be quiet.  Almost in slow motion his eyes snap open and he looks up at me, and we make eye contact.  Well, shit.  I slam the door shut and take off down stairs, not wanting to deal with that confrontation.  Didn't see _that_ coming, to be honest.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs I look into the room where the stereo is, now softly playing some alternative radio station.  And there, I must have missed him before.  Reiner's in the far corner sitting on the loveseat with Armin.  I start walking in their direction but stop dead in my tracks when I see him lean down and whisper in Armin's ear.  Armin giggles and swats one of the antenna on Reiner's head and leans up and kisses him.

No, no, no.  I can't _do_ this.  Numbness creeps down the back of my neck and down my spine, spreading over my face and down my arms to my hands.  It's like time stands still and some laughing god scoops out my inners, gleefully hollowing me out with its red fingers.  I don't remember even running out the front door, because next thing I know I'm puking into a bush in front of someone's apartment.  I'm silently grateful that I never took my coat off when I returned to Christa's because I would be fucking freezing.  I wipe my mouth with the back of hand and look down at my knees, grimacing at the damp dirt they're pressed in.  After a few shaky breaths, I pull myself together and make my way back to the dorms.  Fuck, I want to die.

* * *

 

There's no way in hell I'm getting to sleep on my own, so I pop one of the sleeping pills I have in my drawer.  I had them prescribed to me senior year of high school, but lately I hadn't been taking them because I had been happier in college.  Well, good riddance to that.  Soon, sweet slumber envelops me and I don't have to think about the shit show that is my life.

* * *

 

Reiner shakes me awake the next day.

"Hey sleepy head, hung over?"

I squint up at him.

"What? No, I didn't drink last night.  What time is it?"

"1 pm.  I came back an hour ago and figured I should wake you up when I saw you were still sleeping.  Wanna get lunch?"

I rub my eyes and throw the blanket back over my face.

"Bertl, time to get up.  I'm starving."

I peek out at him.

"No one's stopping you from eating."

Reiner opens our drawers and throws some clothes at me.

"Get dressed, I wanna go eat."

I groan and roll over.  I rather go back to sleep but I get up and make my way to the bathroom with my clothes.  If there's anything that wakes me up it's a splash of cold water to the face.  I pat myself dry with a towel and look in the mirror.  Man, I look like fucking shit.  But then again, I feel like fucking shit so I guess it's not that big of a shocker.  I throw on my clothes and brush my teeth then accept my fate as I return to our room.

"Hey, Bertl, where are my sheets?"

"What?"

"My bunk. There aren't any sheets on it."

I gape at him.  Right, the top bunk isn't made up because he doesn't use it.

"You were doing laundry the other day... and I put them away in the drawers out of habit. Sorry."

"Oh, no problem.  I'll make it up when we get back. Ready to go?"

"Sure."

As ready as I'm ever gonna be.

It's about a ten minute walk to the cafe we frequent and we walk the entire time in silence.  I don't even want to look at Reiner and I'm okay with not saying another word for the rest of the day.

We buy our food and coffee, hot chocolate for me, and take a seat near the window.  He takes a sip of his coffee and looks out at the passersby wearing what I could only describe as a dopey smile.

"So."

I look up at him.  He's waiting for me to say something but honestly, I don't really care to have a conversation.  I take a bite of my sandwich.  He continues.

"So... something kind of awesome happened last night."

Please, go on, tell me more.

"Oh."

Reiner nudges my foot under the table.

"Aren't you gonna ask what it was?"

I shrug.

"What happened."

"Well, I think Armin likes me.  And we kissed last night... so that's a good sign, right?"

My eyes are burning a hole into the table.

"Reiner."

"I mean, I don't know if it means anything yet but, he's cute, right?  And really smart, but oh my god Bertholdt, he can't pick up on when you're joking with him and it's really funny 'cause he gets so embarrassed when he realizes he fell for it."

Reiner rests his chin on his hand and smiles at me.  I flick my eyes up to him but I can't hold his gaze.  I have to put my hands in my lap because I don't trust them not to shake.

"So, nothing?"

"What?"

"You're not gonna say anything? No "oh, that's cool, Reiner" or "do you like him like that?" I don't know, normal responses in this kind of conversation."

I furrow my brows.

"Sorry."

"Hey, I was just joking, man.  I can see you're not in a good mood today.  You sure you're not hung over?"

I shake my head.

"I told you, I didn't drink."

Reiner shrugs and takes a bite of the wrap he bought.   The smell of food is making me want to gag and I have to cover my nose with my sleeve to hinder the reflex.

"Hey, you okay?"

I take a minute to compose myself.

"Yeah, I'm fine.  I don't think I'm awake enough for food yet."

"We'll get a takeout box, no biggie."

I nod and scratch at the paint on the windowsill.

"So... _do_ you like Armin?"

That smile.  I want to rip it off his face and take it back for me.  That's his smile for me.

"I don't know.  I'm definitely interested. And excited to see if it goes anywhere.  We were both pretty drunk last night."

"Oh."

Reiner presses his foot on top of  mine.

"Hey, you're not mad about this are you?"

I shrug.  He rests his arms on the table, leaning towards me.

"Bertholdt, you know you're my best friend and I care about you.  I don't want you to be upset, okay?  Let me know what you're thinking, like, are you jealous or, I don't know, uncomfortable with the whole... guy-guy thing?  I mean, I know you said you weren't but... I don't know, man.  You kissed me before so... I can't really read you, sometimes."

I bite my bottom lip and look out the window, mainly so I don't have to look at him, and open my mouth to say something.  But, I don't know what to say.  Really, what the hell do I say?  I close my mouth and look down at my sandwich.  A meteor to the earth would be really appreciated right now, or like, an apocalyptic invasion of ancient gods to devour us, to destroy what's left of this godforsaken humanity.

"It's fine Reiner, I'm fine.  I'm just tired, okay?"

"So, you're cool with this?"

I don't answer him.  He sighs and leans back in his chair.  I finally meet his eyes and hold eye contact.  He's pursing his lips.

"What?"

He leans forward and sighs, letting his shoulders sag.

"I don't know, Bertl.  I just kind of expected more of a reaction, or a positive one.  I wanted to tell someone about it, and you're my number one.  It's not a big deal, I guess.  It's stupid anyway, right?  Only little girls get excited over stuff like this, huh?"

Well, I didn't think my heart could break any more than it's already breaking, but life is full of _wonderful_ surprises.

"No, you're wrong.  I'm sorry, Reiner.  I guess I'm not the best person to go to with this kind of stuff.  Sorry.  I'm a shitty friend."

Jeeze, you think I slapped him in the face.

"What?  Don't say shit like that about yourself!"

"But I am, Reiner."

"You know, we really gotta work on your confidence."

My confidence is the least of my worries right now.

"Yeah, I know."

Reiner nods his head.

"I love you, man.  You're practically my brother.  I want to tell you these kinds of things and stuff."

We're on such different pages.  Actually, I'm sure we're in totally different books.

"Yeah."

Reiner sighs.  I let myself get lost in thought as I look out the window.  I'm so far out to sea that there is no hope of ever finding shore again.  It's a strange feeling, knowing someone else has taken my place with their own little boat, guided by Reiner's light.  Someone else has found salvation in this never ending storm, and I'm left with nothing but a broken rope and no anchor.

_One day, the moment won't be there anymore._

I should have grabbed it, I should have said something.  Jean was right.  But my voice is like a ripped net, my words fall through and get swept away in the current.  There was nothing I could have done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is appreciated, like, let me know if I royally fucked up on grammar or something. I have a habit of switching tenses...


	10. Bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Thought he had it all before they called his bluff_  
>  _Found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough_  
>  _Wanted to go back to how it was before_  
>  _Thought he lost everything_  
>  _Then he lost a whole lot more_  
>  [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDQjbWMQWhY)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP here's another chapter *throws it at your face and runs away*  
> I think I have like... three more chapters of this fic left! Oh my gosh I'm going to finish my first multi chapter fic!  
> and yes I'm whipping out the song lyrics as inspiration shut up ahah... they just fit the plans I have for this fic so perfectly!

"Hi Mom."

_Bertholdt, baby.  How are you?_

"I'm good I guess."

_Are you sure?  You don't sound okay._

"I'm just tired.  Midterms."

_Make sure you get enough sleep, okay, baby?_

"I will.  Are you taking Flora and Sören trick or treating tomorrow?"

_Yes, I'm stopping by Hilde's after work and then we're going out right after dinner.  It will be different without you boys this year!_

"Yeah, I'll miss it.  What are they dressing up as?"

_Oh, honey, don't break my heart.  I miss you so much.  Flora and Sören are both going as Dalmatians and Leon is going as a fire fighter.  Cute, right?_

"Very.  Wish I could be there."

_Me too, Bertholdt.  But you and Reiner will be spending it together, so it's not all bad.  Speaking of which, why hasn't he called Hilde yet?  She's been waiting for him.  He didn't call last week._

"Yeah... He's been really busy.  A group project or something.  I don't know.  His schedule is tied up."

_That's not like him._

"Yeah."

_Well, tell him to call home!  We miss him, too._

"I will.  I got to go and do some work now.  I love you, mom."

_Alright, baby.  I love you, too._

* * *

 

I drag my feet back to my dorm after talking to my mother, not wanting to deal with that thing called existing.  I wasn't lying when I said I had work to do but my motivation to do anything other than make it to my bed decided to take a vacation and it's not coming back anytime soon.  So homework can wait.  Or just, you know, not get done.  I really don't care.  Funny how one day I'm worked up into actually believing the delusion that I could get somewhere, that I could move on, and then the next I'm hit all at once with how fucking stupid I was.  How could I have possibly believed I'd get anywhere _good_ with this shit life?  It feels like a sudden switch, this realization, but I know that this has always been at my core.  There never was any desire to go to college, to get a career.  That was just Reiner talking for me.  And honestly,  I'd do it for him.  Hell, what do you think I'm doing now?  But Reiner is... Well, I don't really know.  He thinks Marcel is alive and he's forgotten everything.  The Artillery Wall, the suicide attempt, our love.  The worst is not knowing what's happening to him.  It's scary as fuck, really.  Every time I look at him my conscience screams at me to tell him, to tell my mom, tell _someone_ , because he needs _help_.  But I'm such a fucking coward, oh my god, I am such a coward.  The fear of what will happen when he realizes he's sick is so powerful, so consuming, it freezes me.  Will he break?  Will he get better?  Will I lose him forever?

I mean, I have lost him.  Right?  He's gone now, right?

For the millionth time in my life, what I love is ripped out from my hands and I have no control over it.  It's spiraling out, getting larger and larger and I can't stop it from crushing me.  My life has never been mine, I've never had any will of my own.  To think I thought otherwise is such a laugh.  But I'm not laughing, fuck, I'm screaming for the universe to take it's thumb and smash me out of existence like the insignificant insect I am.  Someone, please, end it.  Put me out of my misery.

I open the door to Reiner doing homework on the couch.

"Hey, Bertl."

I can't believe he's not mine.  Reiner is sitting right there, I can see him with my own eyes, he's real.  But he's not my Reiner.  He's a different Reiner.  You know those Twilight Zone stories where the protagonist wakes up one day and everything's the same but different?  No one remembers who they are, not even their own family?  Yeah, that's how it feels right now.  Like my life has been a horrible, fucked up dream that I'm the only one who hasn't woken up from yet.  It's fucking me up and I lean on the wall as a dizzy spell threatens to come over me.

"Bertholdt?"

I clear my throat, not trusting my voice to be steady.

"Yeah.  Just give me a minute."

"You okay, man?"

I squeeze my eyes shut as the room starts spinning and nod my head.  If my focus wasn't on trying to keep my balance, I'd be freaking out over the awkwardness of the moment.

"Bertholdt, you really don't look okay."

Fuck, he's getting up.  Hands steady me and guide me to the couch.  I don't think I can even describe how awful being dizzy feels, especially when the wave won't recede and pulses instead.

"I'm really dizzy."

Reiner presses his hand to my forehead.

"Just dizzy?"

I swallow and nod.  I dare to crack open my eyes.

"Are you getting sick?"

I shake my head slightly.

"No.  I'm okay, it will pass.  Just.  Give me a minute."

"Bertholdt--"

"Reiner, please."

I didn't mean for my voice to crack.

"Dude?  Are you okay?"

"Reiner, stop.  Go back to your work, I need a minute.  I'll be fine."

He looks like he wants to keep at me, but he heeds my orders and picks up his textbook, although I know he's keeping a close watch on me.  It takes a good five minutes or so for my head to clear up.  Gotta love panic attacks.

"It passed.  I'm going to lay down."

"Alright.  Tell me if you need anything, okay?"

"Yeah."

I swallow a sleeping pill dry and let myself fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.

* * *

 

"Dude, you fucking suck at this."

Reiner shoots Eren a glare over his Magic trading cards.  The two of them, plus Jean, sit in a circle on the floor playing Magic and listening to a mixed tape Eren made.  A pile of leftover Halloween candy is slowly disappearing between them.

"Excuse you, I wasn't a nerd growing up.  I did kid stuff, like going outside and climbing trees and shit."

Eren looks insulted, his nose scrunching and he opens his big mouth.

"Whoa, dude, I am _not_ a nerd."

Jean has been watching Eren with a fairly neutral face, except it's like he's smelling something slightly offensive but doesn't want to be obvious about it.

"Eren, you're a nerd, get over it."

Eren whips his head around and points at Jean, poking his nose.

"Oh shut the fuck up Kirschtein, like you're not always bragging about how you beat me at Magic. Dude, you tried to pick up my sister like, forty times with your boasting.  Recess fucking sucked because of your obnoxious obsession with her."

Jean swats his hand away, practically snarling.

"Recess fucking sucked because of your loud mouth and out of control temper, like holy shit, you put Armin through so much hell--"

"Don't bring Armin into this, he always had fun playing with me and Mikasa because he _liked_ us."

"No, more like you tried to beat anyone up who came near him--"

"What do you mean _tried?_ I _did_ beat anyone up who--"

"Oh please, Mikasa was the one who kicked anyone's ass if she had to.  You were just all hot air."

Thank god Reiner took this moment to flick a trading card at Jean's forehead.

"The both of you need to chill.  Anyway, isn't Armin supposed to be coming over later?  Is he still in class?"

Eren takes a minute to school his emotions and looks off into nowhere, furrowing his brow.

"I think so?  He did say something about joining us later tonight, or getting food or something.  I don't know, I was half asleep this morning when he left."

Reiner doesn't smile, no, but I see it in the way his face is relaxed, the way his lips are pressed together and pulled at the corners as if they wanted to turn up.  I know Reiner wants to see Armin.

"Hey, Bertholdt, wanna play?"

Eren's huge green eyes look hopefully up at me sitting behind him on the couch.  I instinctually lean away from him, moving my foot further from where his head rests next to it on the cushion.

"Oh, um, no thanks.  I'll just watch."

Reiner reaches over and tugs on my ankle.

"Aw, come on, Bertl, you never wanna have any fun."

I want to scream.  But I don't.  Instead I look down at my lap and pick at a nonexistent thread on the couch.

<Reiner, let it go.  I rather just watch.>

"Dude, what's with you lately?  I just want you to be included."

<And I just want to watch.  Please.>

I glance up at Reiner through my bangs and see that he's calculating, trying to figure out why I don't want to play.  His eyes are narrowed and he's rubbing the bottom of his chin with the back of his finger, a habit I noticed he does when he's doing homework.

"Ah, well, maybe next time, man."

That's Jean.  I can't even throw him a thankful look before I decide to leave and go lay down.  Reiner makes the motions to get up and chase after me, but is stopped by Jean's hand on his knee.

"Bertholdt! Where are you going, I thought you said you wanted to watch!"

<I'm going to take a nap.>

"Come on, I didn't mean to make you mad if that's what I did!"

<Don't worry about it, Reiner.>

"Aw, don't be like that.  Can you at least stop speaking German, please?"

I stop in the doorway to our room and look over my shoulder at him.  He's still half standing, one knee on the floor and his torso twisted to face me.  Eren and Jean are keeping their mouths shut, passing a not-so-subtle look to each other and sitting with postures that exude discomfort.

"No."

He sits back down and crosses his arms.

"That's not funny, Bertl."

<Wasn't trying to be.  I'm going to sleep for now.  Don't worry about me, just keep Eren and Jean company.>

And with that, I shut the bedroom door before any more words can make their way to my ears.

* * *

 

I'm woken up a few hours later by a particular loud outburst of laughter.  It seems in the time I was asleep, more people have made their way to our dorm.  Damn Reiner and his popularity and easygoing personality.  It attracts people like flies to rotting fruit.  I untangle myself from my sheet and sit up, rubbing my eyes and watching the colors sparkle across the inside of my lids.  After I blink away the blurriness left behind by sleep, I make my way to the living room.  My mouth is dry and I need water.  I really wish the entirety of our friend circle wasn't outside my bedroom door.

"Hey!  Bertholdt's up!"

Everyone turns to look at me and I'm assaulted with a variety of greetings.  Thanks, Connie.  I squint against the harsh light, my eyes still unadjusted, and clumsily make my way through the maze of bodies and limbs.  I really don't want to trip in my half asleep state, especially when there's a six foot drop to the floor.  Luckily, I make it safely to the sink and pour myself a glass.  I turn around and lean on the counter, keeping my distance from everyone while I sip my water.

They're watching _Airplane_.  Well that explains the laughter.

"Want to join us, Bertholdt?"

Armin pats the spot next to him on the couch, a two inch space between him and Sasha.  Sasha immediately starts to scoot over to make more room and so does Armin, which brings him closer to Reiner on his other side.

"Oh, I'm good from here, thanks."

Armin smiles and directs his attention back to the movie.

"Okay! Let me know if you want to sit."

Reiner stares at me a little longer than he should with calculating eyes.  Again.  I look at the floor and ignore him.  I could cry right now, I really could.  Look at all of them, having fun and watching a movie.  Their lives so full of happiness and open futures.  Falling in love, making new friends.  It feels so far away, like another world.  I can never have that, I can never be a part of what makes you feel alive, what makes you feel human.

Reiner has been sucked in, totally absorbed, and I can't reach him.  Without him to hold me up, without him to walk by my side, I'm lost.  I'm sinking.  I can't feel anything except the weight of the empty space he left behind.  Tomorrow seems like a looming shadow, another day for me to struggle through until I can let sleep make me forget who I am.  Without him, the struggle just doesn't seem worth it.

I finish my glass of water and make my way back to my room but am stopped by Reiner's hand on my wrist.

<Bertholdt,  please watch the movie with us.  Don't go back to sleep, we want to see you.>

Well, too bad what everyone wants isn't my first priority.

<I'm really not up to it, Reiner.  I'm tired.  I'm going back to sleep.>

<Please?>

I sigh.

<Fine.  But just for a little bit.>

Reiner's smile does nothing to me because I don't look at it as I sit down on the floor with my back to him.  I sit pretzel style and stare at the floor space two inches in front of me.  I can't watch the movie, I don't want to watch the movie, I don't want to _be_ out here.  Anger makes my face feel hot and I wipe my forehead out of habit.  That childish feeling of throwing a hissy fit starts rising up in my chest, and I have to dig my nails into the flesh of my palms to keep it at bay.  I need to stop acting so stupid, Reiner's picking up on it.  And I don't want to bring unnecessary attention to myself.

I need to ball it up, take whatever emotions I have left and wrap them up as tight and tiny as I can.  Then I need to swallow them, bury them so deep down they won't be able to touch me.  I've been a fool since the Halloween party.  I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve, no matter how black and bitter it's become.  It's still my heart.  No, no more of that.  I will perfect the art of going unnoticed, more than I already have.  I want to be invisible, to disappear without even having to leave anyone's sight.

I need Reiner to go on his day as if there's nothing wrong, as if everything is as it should be.  As if I'm not internally screaming for him to wake up and find me.  Please, Reiner, _wake up_.

Wrap it up, swallow it.  Don't let it touch me.

* * *

 

A distant knocking breaks through the black void that I'm submerged in.   With each knock, the black turns to a fuzzy light, and as the noise gets louder, the light gets clearer, sharper.  Waking up from a deep sleep is never pleasant and the feeling of returning awareness is less than welcome.   I realize the pressure on the side of my face is my pillow and the coolness on my back is a result of my shirt riding up, bunched uncomfortably under my armpits.  The knocking sounds again and I recognize it as someone at the door and it pulls me from my cocoon of sleep, yanking me from the depths of oblivion and back into my body.  Maybe if I ignore it, whoever it is will go away.

"Bertholdt, I know you're in there!  Open up!"

Oh, what the fuck.  I sit up reluctantly, letting myself adjust to the new position as my shirt falls back around my torso.  Another knock.  I crack open my eyes and wobbly make my way out of the room and to the door, opening it and staring at the culprit through squinted, sleepy eyes.  Damn the hallway lights for being so friggen bright.  Jean stares back at me and shifts from foot to foot when I don't say anything.

"Um, hi.  Sorry if I woke you."

I shrug and move aside to let him in.

"Noticed you weren't in class today ...or yesterday...so I brought you the reading assignment."

He hands me a stapled packet full of essay prompts.

"We have to read _La Bête Humaine_ and answer three of the prompts in the packet by next Tuesday."

I look over the prompts, pointedly avoiding his eyes.

"Thanks, Jean."

Jean stands there awkwardly and runs his hand through the back of his undercut.

"Um so.  I kind of wanna talk to you about what you saw."

I tilt my head questioningly and finally meet his eyes, although he's looking down at his feet.

"What I saw?"

"Yeah, at the party..."

 _Oh_.  Right.  That.

"Oh, uh.  Honestly, you don't have to explain yourself, that's hardly been on my mind.  Sorry I barged in on you guys."

Jean's face turns several shades redder but he doesn't scowl, rather, he lets a breath out slowly, his cheeks puffing as he does.

"Um, yeah.  So don't tell anyone?  Please?"

"That's not my business to do."

"Yeah.  Thanks.  Really, thanks.  We're not a thing, I swear.  It's just..."

I'm left hanging as he trails off and goes back to staring at the floor.  The air between us is getting heavy and I don't know what to do.  Walk away and spare Jean this moment and give him some space or stay here and wait for him to finish what he might really want to talk about?  I can feel sweat gathering on my temples and the back of my neck.

"It's just a fling.  I guess."

"Okay."

He really doesn't have to explain himself to me.  I don't care what he and Connie do in their spare time.

"So."

Jean looks at me like it's my turn to share something with him.  I hold his gaze and furrow my brow confused.

"...So... Thanks again for bringing me the homework."

Jean's face falls into one of his default expressions that is a combination of "are you kidding me" and "I am so done with this lowly planet," officially ending previous embarrassment and rare humbleness.

"Okay, really?" 

Jean crosses his arms over his chest and looks at me like a father scolding his child.  Or rather, a teenage girl scolding her older brother with the way he's leaning to one side with his hip out.

"Because you haven't been in classes for almost a week and haven't even come to the cafeteria for lunch or dinner or anything.  What gives."

How did he even notice?  No one notices when I'm missing!

"I haven't been feeling well."

"You're sick?"

"I think.  I don't feel good."

I shrug.  What else is there to say?  I didn't expect anyone except the teachers to notice my absence and that's only because they have an attendance sheet telling them so.

"Have you gone to the doctor's?"

I shake my head.

"It's not life threatening or anything.  Jean, I appreciate your concern but I'll be fine.  Please don't worry about me."

Jean huffs and runs his hands through his hair a few times.

"Is this about Reiner?  And your fight at the party?"

 _What_.

"What fight?  Jean, we weren't fighting.  This... This has nothing to do with Reiner."

"Or Armin?"

The corner of my mouth twitches.

"Armin?"

Jean looks annoyed and then sighs, letting himself relax.  He looks up at me almost sadly.

"You didn't take my advice.  You let him go, didn't you?"

Shock is an understatement.  I'm slapped in the face with complete, utter surprise,  and left reeling in horror, blinking and trying to hold tears back.  Jean raises an eyebrow.  For the first time in weeks I feel something other than overwhelming self hatred and hopelessness.  I feel angry.  Why does Jean have to keep butting in?  What does it matter?  He's not helping, he's _making it worse_ by reminding me of how fucked I am.

"What the fuck does it matter to you?"

I can't help the way I snap at him.

"Dude, I'm just saying.  I've been where you are, I don't want to see you fall into that hole.  It's almost impossible to get out of.  You're my friend.  And this past week?  It's not because you're sick, it's because your best friend found someone else--"

"Shut up!  You don't know me or Reiner!  You don't know what you're even talking about!"

I didn't realize I had taken steps towards him until he backs up and raises his hands.

"Bertholdt, whoa.  Please, just listen to me.  I _don't_ know your life, but I'm not blind!  I know what's happening between you two!  I've fucking been there, man, I know what it's like to lose someone... When I lost Marco... Ah, fuck it, man.  You never get over this kind of stuff!  I don't want to see you lose Reiner over something like this."

"You don't know the fucking half of it, Jean!"

Jean is surprisingly calm, and puts his hands over my fists, lowering them.

"No, I may not, but at least Reiner is still alive!  He's not dead in the fucking ground like Marco!  Don't let what you have with him go just because of something so stupid!  You gotta help yourself, man.  If you love someone, it's worth sticking with them, no matter the circumstances!  I'm not saying to keep pining after him," I outright scowl at Jean and he ignores me, continuing, "I'm saying to move on, to heal.  His friendship should be worth it to you!"

My blood is pounding in my head and all I can hear is it's roar as my pulse threatens to bursts the veins in my neck.  I can't see, it's too red, and I grit my teeth together, falling to my knees.

"I wish we were dead!  All of us, just fucking dead!  Me, Reiner, you, Armin, Connie... Everyone.  Oh, it's _so stupid_ , Jean, you're right.  Shit, it's so _fucking_ stupid.  You don't know how lucky Marco is, you don't know how lucky Marcel is... They don't have to deal with this shit show of an existence, this god forsaken world."

Jean looking at me completely disgusted and kneels down so he's in my line of sight.

"Hey.  Look at me."

I flick my eyes to his.  He's pissed.

"Don't you ever say something like that again.  Don't you fucking _dare_."

My jaw hurts from grinding my teeth together.

"Get out, Jean."

"No, listen to me, you're talking--"

"Jean.  Get _out._ "

Jean snaps his mouth shut and stares at me.  Without another word, he stands up and leaves the dorm, slamming the door behind him.  I rake my nails across the linoleum as I form my hands into fists and strike out at the wall next to me, satisfied when I feel it give and crack.  How wonderful it would feel to crush everything, destroy it all.  Fuck this, I'm going back to sleep.

* * *

 

The following week I start going back to class.  I catch up on the work I fell behind on, mumbling a weak apology to the professors as I hand them my half-assed assignments.  I really don't care if I fail.  I just need to keep up appearances.  Jean saw right through me, and I can't let anyone else in.  So if that means suffering through classes and bullshit homework, fine.  I don't care.

The hardest part is seeing Reiner every day.  I can hardly look at him, let alone talk to him.  He's not the same Reiner, but at the same time he's _painfully_ the same Reiner and my heart clenches every time he laughs or smiles.  Seeing him and Armin together is almost unbearable.   I've started to excuse myself early from the cafeteria whenever we're eating in a group.  Jean is the only one who's bothered by it, but then again, Jean is the only one who knows why I leave.  Or thinks he does, anyway.

Currently, I'm sitting at a cafeteria table with the whole gang.  Yep, Reiner, Armin, Jean, Connie, Eren, Annie, Sasha, Ymir, and Christa.  The whole shebang.  I'm about to put my coat on to leave when Reiner clears his throat.

"Hey, now that everyone's here, me and Armin want to say something."

I resist the urge to bite my lip and look around nervously.  Instead I stare daggers at my hands laying limply on the table.  Once he has everyone's attention Reiner continues.

"So... I take you all as a bunch of pretty accepting dudes and chicks, and you're all our friends and we want to be open and honest around you guys."

Armin leans into Reiner, blushing a light pink at everyone's attention, but his voice is steady when he speaks.

"Reiner and I are a couple."

There's a beat of silence and then Ymir snorts.

"Welcome to the outside world!  Closets get cramped after a while, huh?"  She winks at them and wraps an arm around Christa's shoulders.

Connie points at them with his fork, a glob of mac'n'cheese threatening to fall off its end.

"I could tell immediately tell with Reiner but you, Armin?  Didn't see that one coming."

Reiner lets out a booming laugh and jostles Armin's shoulder playfully.  Eren smiles at Armin, who smiles back relieved.  Eren must've known already.   He and Armin are almost inseparable.  I wonder briefly why Reiner didn't tell me ahead of time, then I immediately throw that completely _idiotic_ thought out the window because one, I've been avoiding Reiner like the plague and two, why the fuck would I want Reiner to come to me about this?  Also, he kind of did.  The day after the party.  And I made it clear that he shouldn't do it again.  The days of being inseparable soul mates with Reiner are over.  Sometimes I seem to forget, as ridiculous as that sounds.

Everyone seems to fall back into casual chatter and I take that as my chance to slip my coat on and leave.  I don't notice Reiner looking over his shoulder at me as I walk away, or Annie, who had been watching me closely the entire time.


	11. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a short one, but it's another chapter. Two more to go!  
> (small edit: in this chapter I was saying they had midterms, I meant they had finals. Small detail but I wanted to fix it.)

Time is a weird concept.  Sometimes it crawls by, slowly smothering you with each passing minute until you're suffocating, gasping for the next day to free you from your misery.  Other times it flies by, seconds zipping pass you, stinging your face like raindrops on the highway, and you're left with tiny rips and tears from where they pierced through you, leaving you an unhealed mess for the next day to sweep away.  And the times I hate the most is when it's a combination of the two.  When the days seem long and slow, drawn out like they'll never end, torturing you with a sense of agonizing slow motion, but then you wake up confused because how is it Monday already?

I should become a fucking poet, shouldn't I?  A tortured soul, ostracized by his own accord as a result of his misunderstood love.  Hell, I have all the qualities to be one.  Leaving my place in history with melodramatic words of my tragic existence.

As much as descriptions of time can be cliché, they happen to ring true.  It feels like only yesterday Reiner and Armin announced their relationship, when in fact, it was last Wednesday.  Five days ago.  Today is Monday, and not only is it exactly two weeks after Halloween, it starts my full last week of classes before Thanksgiving break.  Finals start this Friday and continue on through to next Wednesday, the morning Reiner and I go home for the Holiday.

I don't know what I'm going to do when the two of us see our families together.  Thinking about it leaves an acidic taste in the back of my throat and my mind is overcome with blind panic, the words _I can't_ bouncing around my skull with such force I'm sure my head will burst.  So I don't think about it, instead I think about ways I can get _out_ of it.

There's always a way out.

But right now, it's Monday, not next Wednesday, and I have to get ready to haul the rotted corpse I'm using as a body to class.  I don't want to see anyone's faces.  I don't want to learn about subjects I can't bring myself to care about.  I don't want to face the fact that I'm alive.

* * *

"Hey, Bertl.  Did you go to class?"

I roll over and cover my face with a pillow, blocking out Reiner's deep voice.

"Bertholdt, wake up."

I ignore him.

"It's five PM.  Have you eaten?"

Reiner sits on the edge of my bed and next thing I know my blankets are yanked off and I'm being turned to face him.  Sleep still causes my eyes to droop, and my head feels heavy, but I manage to peek at him through my lashes.

"Bertholdt, have you eaten?"

I lick my lips, trying to wet my mouth before I speak so my voice doesn't crack.

"No."

Reiner's shoulders fall.

"You feelin' alright, man?  You've been sleeping a lot lately... and you look like you've lost weight.  If you're sick you gotta keep eating, even if you don't feel like it."

"I'm fine.  I'm not hungry."

Reiner studies me.  I rub my eyes, mostly to distract myself from his piercing gaze.

"I'm gonna go get dinner with the guys now.  I'll bring you back something.  And promise me you'll eat it."

I shrug.

"Sure."

At least he's not making me go with him.

* * *

 After Reiner goes to the cafeteria I decide to throw some clothes on and go for a walk.  The sun is in the middle of setting, washing the ground with warm pinks and oranges, taking the daylight away earlier and earlier each evening.  Leaves crunch under my feet, the sound a perfect match to the feel of crisp air.  I don't expect to see anyone I know out here, so I don't think twice when the leaves have an extra rustle, another set of feet treading through them.

"Bertholdt."

Her voice makes me jump out of my skin, and for a second I'm suspended in solid fear, before being pulled back to my senses.  I turn my head towards the source of the voice.

"Annie?"

She doesn't look up at me or answer for a while.  We just walk in silence.

"I think you're being a coward."

Why does life keep doing this to me?  If it's not Reiner, it's Jean.  If it's not Jean, it's Armin.  And now, apparently, if it's not Armin, it's Annie.

"Oh."

I don't know what else to say.  I don't have the energy for this conversation.  She doesn't seem to care.

" _Oh._   That's it? Oh?"

I shrug.  She sighs.  Then I feel her take my hand, which I pull back instinctively, and tuck in my pocket.  She looks down at the space between us and then mirrors my actions, pocketing her hands in her jacket.  She still hasn't looked at me.

"Bertholdt.  I know what's going on.  Why haven't you told anyone about Reiner?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's not the same."

Well, damn.

"He's not."

"You two were in love."

I don't answer her.  She continues.

"And he doesn't remember."

It seems as if someone dumped a bucket of ice over my head, but turned my internal temperature up one hundred degrees at the same time.  The contrasting sensations collide, and a thunderstorm rolls in, filling my head with flashes and booms.  Annie is... Annie is more than the quiet, almost creepy girl I wrote her off to be.  She's sharp and she's strong, and her complete understanding of my situation should have alarmed me more than it had.  It should have put my defenses up like it did with Jean.  But for some reason, the girl I have barely spoken to, the girl I couldn't look at because she intimidated me,  hearing her say those words don't send me over the edge.  The thunder calms to a low rumble, and I take advantage of the lull in my internal storm.  Sweat beads at my temple as I open my mouth and will my voice not to shake.

"What would you do if you were me?"

She doesn't answer for some time, and just when I think she has chosen to ignore my question, she sighs.

"I would do what I had to.  To reach my end goal."

"What?"

She's quiet again.  I'm getting used to her long pauses.  I don't know how she's dating Eren, of all people.  Part of me wishes I had taken the time to get to know her sooner, but what difference would it have made?  It doesn't really matter.

"Your goal.  What you are working to achieve.  Do what you have to do to get there.  No matter who gets in your way.  No matter what goes wrong.  That's what I'd do."

I smile, but it's not happy.  It's those smiles that are sad, distant, pulled too tight at the corners.  It's one of those smiles that say _I can't, I'm not you, Annie._

"I don't have a goal."

Out of the corner of my eye I see she finally looks up at me.  I look away so I don't start to fidget under her scrutiny.

"I called you a coward.  I still don't take it back.  But don't think that makes you any less.  You're still human.  Maybe you're predestined to be pulled through life, to be a floater.  Like me.  Selfish, impassive, private.  But we are not any less.

Please, Bertholdt.  Get help."

* * *

When you're not hungry, you don't eat.  When you don't eat, you get dizzy as all fuck.  When you're dizzy as all fuck, simple tasks become tremendous obstacles that are too difficult to even attempt.  I am so close to skipping this last week of class.  But I know I have to keep up appearances of normalcy if I want to lay low.

Lay low for what?

What exactly is the point anymore?  I keep telling myself nothing matters, but then why do I go through excruciating extents to keep playing pretend?  Just let it all out, throw caution to the wind, feed the flames, let the whole thing burn.  What do I care?

But I do care. I still need to soldier on.  If I let it all go, I'll be revealed as the monster I am.  My true identity will be exposed.  Murderer.  Coward.

_You're still human._

I'm sorry, Annie, I lost any rights to call myself a human the day that wall came tumbling down.  And no one can know, _no one can know._   Reiner found happiness ( _he found a way out_ ).  I can't take that away from him, I can't let him break.

What is my goal?  What am I working to achieve?

_A way out._

* * *

I want to go home.  It's Wednesday night and just a week before Reiner and I leave for Thanksgiving break.  Somehow, in some god's cruel grace, I find myself sobbing into Reiner's chest.  It's safe, it's familiar, and it's as close to home as I'll ever feel.  Weakness is powerful, as much as an oxymoron as that is, it's true.  If it wasn't, I wouldn't have caved in and let Reiner pull me into his embrace.  Then again, I never claimed to be strong.

"I want to go _home_ , Reiner, I can't do this anymore."

He holds me and rubs my back, soothing out my hiccups.

"Just one more week, Bertl.  You'll make it through.  Finals will be over soon."

He doesn't get it, he will never get it.  I've lost him and I'll never get him back.

"No, Reiner, _I want to go home._ "

* * *

 

What is my goal?

 

_To go home.  I want to go home._

 

How will I achieve it?

 

A way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now now, I know what you're thinking. I promise promise PROMISE it will not end on a sad, horrible, heartbreaking note, no matter how thick the angst is I dump on you.


	12. Going Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flip through endless stories.  
> A life of hand-written pain.  
> No one can share this hurt that is mine, mine, mine.  
> [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CaNw7pnx2s)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter!  
> The second half of this chapter is from Reiner's POV, and it's pretty vital to the story so I just included it here. I had originally put it as an entirely separate work but just now at 12-something a.m. months later decided I didn't like that setup so... yeah.

The sound of their laughter is killing me.

I don't want to hear it.

It's surprising how white hot I'm burning inside.  I didn't expect to react this strongly, surely I would've learned to cope as the days went by.  But once again, life is throwing a curve ball at me.  It is Sunday.  And we're supposed to all be studying for our finals.  But Eren left to go train with Annie, Sasha went to get lunch with Connie and Jean, and now Reiner shut himself in the bedroom with Armin.  I find myself left alone, unnoticed, sitting cross legged on the floor with my notes spread around me and my textbook in my lap.  I have nothing to do during this little "break from studying" except seethe at the injustice of it all.  Of all the bullshit that is spewing out from under the crack of the bedroom door and spreading slowly towards me, soaking my notes and smearing the ink.

I need to get out of here.

In a fit of claustrophobic panic I scramble to the door and stumble into the hallway, bent over with my hands on my knees, panting.  Move. I need to move or else I'll rip off my skin I feel so trapped.  I run down the hallway and out on the sidewalk and will myself to walk.  I walk fast, but I have to walk.  Not run.  I can't let the panic take over.

My body is on autopilot as it carries me towards the park I frequent whenever I need to be alone.  The scenery around me is a blur, the fellow park goers' voices fade to a background hum, and the sky is all I see.  The sky is gray and glowing, clouds blocking the sun that's trying it's damn hardest to peek through.  An overcast day for an overcast mood. 

The bench is cold and it seeps through my pants chilling me to the core, but like everything else, I hardly notice.  I look up to the sky, letting myself get lost in the illusion that the clouds are closer than they seem.  Maybe they'll swallow me whole, take me away from here, hide me in their vast, misty masses.  Maybe I could find Marcel.

I'd give anything to go back to the days when he was alive.  _Anything_.  When it was just me, him, and Reiner, young and innocent.  Before I was stained with blood and Reiner forgot.  When I could still be confident and secure in the fact I was _home._

Marcel... I want to see you again, I want you back.  I want to go home.

I'm lost in the clouds, but I see what I have to do _so clearly_.  I laugh.  Fuck it feels great, it feels so relieving.  I laugh again.  I'm fucking terrified.

* * *

  _Bertholdt, honey, how are you?_

"Mom."

_...Baby?_

<I love you.  O-okay?>

_Bertholdt? Are you okay?_

<I... I need to go soon.  I miss you so much, mom.>

_< Bertholdt, please, you're making me nervous.  I'll see you in three days, okay?  Bright and early to take you home-->_

<Please, mom, I want to go home.>

_< Baby, you'll be home in three days.  Okay, Bertholdt?  You understand that?>_

<Mom...>

_< Bertholdt, honey, you're really scaring me.>_

<I'm sorry.>

_< Please talk to me, tell me what's wrong.>_

<I'm okay, I promise.  I'm going home.>

_< In only three days, my love.>_

<I have to go now.  I love you so much, mom.>

_< Bertholdt, wait.  Is Reiner there?>_

<No.  He's... I don't know where he is.>

_< Well, when you see him, tell him to call home as soon as possible, okay baby?  There's a small family emergency and he needs to call his mother and father.  The sooner the better.>_

<Family emergency?>

_< Yes, it concerns just him and his parents.  It's private matter between them, nothing for you to worry about.  Please tell him for us.>_

<Okay.  I will.>

_< Thank you, Bertholdt.  I love you.  Three days, baby, three days and you can come home.>_

<Right.  Love you.>

* * *

 I silently walk through our dorm's door and hold the handle as it shuts behind me so it doesn't make a noise.  Reiner and Armin are in the living room with their coats on, getting ready to go out.  Reiner pulls Armin's knitted hat over his head, fixing Armin's bangs with such gentleness and love, much like a parent would to do their small child, and it makes feel sick.  I toss the leftover quarters from the payphone onto the counter and make myself jump at the abrupt clattering noise.

"Whoa!  Bertholdt! I didn't even see you come in!"  Armin holds his hand to his chest and looks at me with wide, startled eyes.  Then he smiles.  "We were wondering where you went.  Did you want to come grab some food with us?  I mean, if you didn't go with Sasha and the others earlier."

Reiner puts a hat on his own head and places a hand on Armin's shoulder.

"You ready, Armin?"

Armin looks up at him and nods, then both look at me waiting for my answer.  I stare at them like a fish out of water before I gather myself.

"O-oh, no thanks.  I ate earlier.  With everyone else."

Every time I lie I feel a part of me die as Reiner becomes just that more far away.  Reiner smiles and I can see he's happy to hear I socialized and ate lunch.  Armin doesn't look like he believes me.  I don't move a muscle.

"Okay!  Then we'll see you later!"  If Armin has any doubts about me, his voice doesn't betray it.

They walk pass me and as they leave, Reiner's shoulder bumps mine as he passes through the cramped doorway.

"Reiner."

He turns and looks at me.

"You need to call your parents.  My mom told me there was a family emergency."

His eyebrows raise in shock, but he schools it.

"Shit, did she say what it was?"

I shake my head.

"She just said to call home as soon as possible."

Reiner exhales and I can tell he's shaken up.

"Fuck.  Okay, I'll go do that, then... Thanks for telling me."

I nod.

Armin looks between us nervously, then takes Reiner's hand in his own and gives it a squeeze.

"Hey, I'll be in my dorm, okay?  I'll give you some privacy to call them."

Reiner nods but his lips are pressed into a thin line.

"I'm going to go call them."

And with one more look in my direction (a plea for support?), he turns and leaves.  I shut the door before Armin has the chance to talk to me.

 _Now_.

Numbness slowly washes over me, starting at the nape of my neck and travelling down my spine.  I don't feel my limbs as I walk to the bedroom and lock the door behind me.  I'm surprisingly calm as I sit on the floor and take out the shoebox I've hidden beneath my bed.  It's full of all the letters Reiner has written me over the years, from the ones when we were kids to the ones he left me with breakfast before classes.

I press the letters to my lips.

I close my eyes as they start to burn, and when the first tear escapes through my lashes, my heart cracks, and it hurts.  It _hurts_.

I grab the nearest notebook and flip it open to a blank page.  I dig around in my backpack for a pen and scribble words so fast I feel I'm going to rip the paper.  I take a moment to read over what I wrote and tear the page out and put it on the desk.

The next minute seems surreal to me.  Almost as if I'm floating deep inside of myself.  Embedded so far back into my flesh that my body seems almost too big to control, my reflexes too slow to react.  Once I start moving, I can't stop.  And I don't bother to stop myself as I  reach for the bottle of sleeping pills, twist off the cap, and pour a bunch into my hand.  I toss them in my mouth and throw my head back, swallowing them dry.  I shake the bottle, rattling the rest of the pills in the small orange container, and grimace at the bitter taste on the back of my tongue.  I tip the rest into my hand and toss them down my throat without any further thought, recap the bottle and place it back on the desk.  Then I crawl into my bed and tuck myself in, clutching Reiner's letters to my chest.

_I'm going home._

* * *

 Bonus: Bertholdt's letter

_I've tried for so long. But I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry.  Reiner, I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough.  I didn't want to do this but I've never had a will of my own._

_Somebody, please, I'm begging._

_Please find me._

* * *

**Going Home: Reiner's POV**

The phone rings two and a half times before my mother answers.

_< Reiner? Is that you?  It better be you!>_

<Mom?  Yes, it's me.  I hope you haven't been answering the phone like that every time it rang...>

_< Why haven't you called?  If you were here in person you'd be getting a smack!  Weeks, Reiner, I've been waiting for weeks!>_

<What?  Mom, calm down, Bertl said there was an emergency-->

_< Do not tell me to calm down, young man!  Making your mother worry like that and then you tell me to calm down!  The nerve-->_

She stops abruptly and I can hear my dad in the background, his stern voice quieting her down. ( _You can yell at him later.  Focus on what you need to say_.)

<Mom?>

_< Reiner, where is Bertholdt?>_

<Uh... At the dorm?  I think?  He had just been getting back in when me and Armin were leaving.  Why?  What's this got to do with anything?  What's the emergency?>

_< Did he seem okay?>_

<What?  Mom, I-->

_< Reiner, this is important.  Did Bertholdt seem okay?>_

<Well, kind of?  He seemed like his usual self.>

_< Nothing off about him?>_

<Nothing in particular.>

_< Are you sure?>_

<What are you getting at?  Mom, I don't understand.  Why don't you just talk to him?>

_< Reiner.  Let me rephrase this.  Has Bertholdt been acting out of sorts, today, yesterday, last week, any time?>_

<A little, actually.  He's been sleeping a lot.  And sometimes he doesn't go to class.  He's been really withdrawn and it's like pulling teeth trying to get him to hang out with us.  Or eat.>

My mom is quiet for a few seconds and when she speaks her voice is uncharacteristically quiet and laced with genuine deep concern.

_< Why didn't you tell us, Reiner?  Why didn't you call?>_

<What? Why would I be the one to tell you?  It's his business, he's a big boy... I'm concerned for him, yeah, but I'm not his mom.>

Again, silence.

<Reiner.>

I can tell she's holding back her temper in favor of trying to understand.  I don't see what's so confusing about this.  Sure, I'm worried about Bertholdt.  He hasn't been right, but why is this getting dumped on my shoulders?

<Yeah?>

_< Did anything happen between you two?>_

Now I'm really starting to lose my patience.

<What do you mean?  Mom, was this the emergency?  Cause honestly, I was on my way out to lunch and-->

_< Don't use that tone with me, Reiner.  I'm being serious, now stop fooling around and answer me.  What happened between you two?  .  Anything, any little detail.  I need you to tell me.  I don't have time to play games.>_

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose.  Okay, fine.  What has been bothering me about Bertholdt, when did he start acting funny?  Oh.  _Oh_.

<Well... a little bit before Halloween he kissed me.  Out of the blue.  He started acting withdrawn ever since then, I think.>

 _< He _kissed _you?  Reiner, this isn't funny.  This is important.  Let's try again, what happened between you two? >_

Confused is an understatement to how I'm feeling right now.

<Mom, I literally just told you. I'm dead serious.  He kissed me.  I'm not lying about that.>

_< Reiner!  What is wrong with you?  This isn't like you!  Be serious for once!>_

She's on the verge of tears.  What the hell is happening?

<I am!  I don't know what else you want me to say!  I'm telling the truth!  He kissed me!  Listen, if you're in such denial about it, then you got another thing coming!>

I'm gay, mom.

 _< What?  How dare you talk to me like that!  _Never _threaten me again, Reiner.  Why are you doing this!?  What happened, Reiner?  Why? >_

She's crying.  Fuck.  What the hell am I doing wrong?  I take a deep breath.

<Mom.  Listen.  I didn't expect you to react like this.  I didn't know you'd be so upset by the possibility of Bertholdt being gay.  But if he's been acting this way since he kissed me, he's obviously scared of this very reaction from others.  So just... take your shock and anger out on me first, cause guess what mom, I'm gay.>

Complete silence.  Fuck.  Okay.  Um.

<Mom, please... say something... Mom?>

_< You're... You're being serious.>_

< _Yes_.  Mom.  I wouldn't joke about this. >

<Mom?>

_< Reiner.  I'm going to ask you a question, it may seem very odd, but I need you to answer it honestly.>_

<That's what I've been _doing_ this whole time-- >

_< Reiner.  Just.  Be quiet.  I need your honest answer.>_

<Okay.>

I hold my impatience back as she struggles to find her words.

_< You do realize that you and Bertholdt have been together, as in dating, since you were both 13?>_

<What?  Mom, I don't even know how to begin-- Mom, _what?_ >

_< Reiner.  I need your answer.  Tell me the truth.>_

<Mom... I have no idea what you're talking about...>

Fuck, I feel really faint.  And there's a dull pain in the back of my head starting to pulse and grow.

_< Reiner?>_

<What... is going on?  Why did you ask me that?>

_< Reiner, where is Bertholdt?>_

He was crying the other night, sobbing.  Saying stuff about wanting to go home, that he couldn't do this anymore...

<What is "this"?>

_< What?  Reiner, what did you say?>_

Did I say that out loud?

<He said he "couldn't do this anymore"... What did that... mean...?>

He couldn't see me with Armin... He couldn't be alone?

The wall.

<Mom, the wall.>

Saying the floor falls out from underneath me is a watered down, cliche, weak analogy of what really happens.  Sure, in reality I'm just standing here, stiff posture and mouth agape as I stare off into space, but inside, inside I'm fucking _crumbling_.

_< Reiner, what about the wall?>_

I almost drop the phone.

<Mom...>

_< Reiner?>_

<The wall.  We... we killed Marcel.  Oh my god.  Mom, Marcel is dead... And... And... Oh god.>

<Mom, what have I done to Bertholdt?>

_< Reiner?  Honey?>_

<Mom!>

I can't stop the panic from overwhelming me... His strange behavior, his reluctance to be around me... Oh no, no no no.  I left him alone...

_< Reiner, please, breathe.>_

<I can't mom, I didn't know... Mom, what have I done to him! No, oh my god... Mom, I'm dating Armin!>

_< Oh, Reiner.>_

<Oh my god, mom!  What do I do!?>

_< Reiner, please.  Breathe.  Where is Bertholdt?>_

<In our dorm.  I'm pretty sure he's in his dorm.>

_< Okay, now listen to me, are you listening?>_

<Yeah, yes.  Yes.>

_< Now, after you hang up, go back to the dorm.  Get Bertholdt and immediately call me back.  Don't let him out of your sight.  Do you understand?>_

<Yes.>

_< Repeat it back to me.>_

<Get Bertholdt and call you back.>

_< Good.  Reiner, stay focused.  This isn't your fault.>_

<I...>

_< Reiner, go get Bertholdt.>_

<Right.>

* * *

Do you know what it's like to have memories assault you, horrible, gut wrenching memories, rip their way back into your brain, leaving a trail of torn flesh in their wake?  Memories that not only dump you back into the freezing depths of what you had repressed, but also catapult you forward into reality to reveal that the life you had built security in, the life you've believed in so surely (why would you question the realness of your life?), was a lie?  A complete fabrication of denial.

It feels like a bullet.  One small bullet, hitting you in the forehead at rapid speed, such a rapid speed that the mountains inside of you rip in half as if they were paper.  And you realize you're nothing but a strong facade.  A facade even you yourself, the builder of the factitious walls, believed in.  How can one be a perpetrator and a victim at the same time?

Two opposing forces, the negative and positive, will repel against each other; it's the laws of physics.  They can 't join together, no matter how strong the string is tying them to each other.  My string has snapped and I am split.  Two halves don't make a whole in this case, no.  I don't know if I can ever be whole again.

I don't feel my feet as they carry me to our dorm.  It's mechanical, automatic, learned motion as I climb the stairwell to our floor, walk down the hallway and slip the keys into the lock.  I pause when I touch the door handle, the tendons in the back of my hands rippling as I squeeze my fingers around the cool metal.  How do I face what's on the other side of this door?

How do I tell Bertholdt I'm sorry?  How do I say "hey, I just failed my crash course on self discovery" with eloquence?  _How do I fix this?_   Well, I'll never find out if I keep standing here.  I take a breath and push the handle down, swinging the door forward.

"Bertholdt?"

I'm met with silence.  I walk into the room and listen.  Complete silence.

I would laugh at anyone else in this situation saying something doesn't feel right, because of course nothing feels right.  Getting slapped in the face with your unbeknownst double life will never _feel right_.  But this is a different presentiment.  It's a thick, heavy foreboding feeling that brushes against the back of your neck, trailing goosebumps over your skin.  The air is suffocating in its silence; a premonition.

"Bertholdt?"

Our bedroom door is shut and I step up to it, knocking gently.

"Bertholdt, are you in there?"

No answer.

Maybe he's sleeping.  Or--

The door's locked.  I jiggle handle again, dumbly, as if it will change the fact that he locked himself in our room and no, the handle will not turn.  I knock again.

"Why is the door locked?  Bertholdt?  Can you hear me?"

Silence is the scariest fucking thing.  I pull out my keychain and flip to the key to our bedroom, feeling like I'm moving in slow motion, but really, I get that door open in record time.

"Bert--! -holdt."

Oh, he's in bed.  I let out the breath I was holding.  Kid's a deep sleeper, always has been.  I walk up to him, swallowing down the sick feeling of seeing the top bunk made up and push it to the back of my mind.  I shake his shoulder gently.

"Hey, Bertl.  Wake up."

I brush his hair back off his forehead.

"Bertholdt, come on, wake up.  We gotta go call my mom."

I shake him again.  No reaction.  That heavy feeling catches up to me, wrapping itself around me like a giant snake, coiling its way up my body, waiting in anticipation for shit to hit the fan.  I shake Bertholdt again, grabbing him by his shoulders.

"Bertholdt?"

His head lolls to the side.  He's completely limp.

"H-hey, wake up!"

He won't wake up.  I don't know what makes me do it, probably an ingrained habit of looking for help, an explanation, anything, but I turn my head and my eyes lock onto his desk.  My thoughts are tripping over each other, my first one being _the pill case_ and then immediately being swatted back by _no, he wouldn't do that_.  It's a tennis match of reality versus disbelief, a match I'm finding myself a frequent spectator of.  I pick it up and my stomach sinks, sinks all the way down to the bottom of the empty container in my hand.

"No."

A piece of paper sitting where the pill bottle was screams _yes._

"No... No no no..."

My hands are shaking as I read the short note.

"No, Bertl, no..."

I'm on him in a second, crying and screaming ( _Bertholdt, it's me, Reiner, I'm here, please, wake up! I found you, Bertl, please!)_ , shaking his limp form.  This can't be happening... _This can't be real_.

I feel his neck, checking for a pulse, waiting the longest two seconds of my life for that faint flutter against my fingertips.  And it's there.  _He's alive_.  I don't have time to cry in relief and adrenaline takes over.  I flip him over on his side and shove two of my fingers down his throat, trying to hit his gag reflex.  _Please, please, please..._   His throat constricts and with an ugly gagging cough, vomit spurts over my hand and down his cheek.

"Come on, Bertl..."

I pull my fingers out, and hold him on his side, scooping the vomit out of his mouth so it doesn't choke him.  There are a few semi-dissolved pills.  I check his pulse again, terrified that it won't be there.  His heartbeat is a lifeline to both of us.

Help.  We need help.

There's a phone in all the dorm rooms, a bright red phone that only allows emergency calls (trust me, Bertholdt and I tried to call home with it at the beginning of the semester, the calls don't go through).  I pick up the receiver and dial.

_911, what's your emergency?_

"My friend, my roommate, he just took a bunch of sleeping pills... there's a suicide note... He's unconscious right now."

_Do you know how long he's been unconscious?_

"Uh, I just found him like five minutes ago, and I had seen him about 15 minutes earlier... I think.  I don't know... I don't know!  I made him throw up a little.  He's still alive."

_Okay, I'm going to dispatch an ambulance out to you right now.  Where is your location?_

"I'm in the Smith Residence of Sina University.  Room 104."

_Thank you.  Who am I speaking to?_

"Reiner.  Reiner Braun.  I'm his roommate and long time family friend."

_Okay, Reiner, I'm going to ask you to stay with me on the phone until the ambulance gets there, okay?_

"Yes, thank you."

_Can you tell me what pills he took?_

"Uh, it's called, uh... e-s-z-o-p-i-c-l-o-n-e ."

_Okay, and do you know how many he took, Reiner?_

"No... I have no clue.  Oh my god..."

_That's okay, Reiner.  I sent the information to the medics in the ambulance.  They're almost there, stay with me, okay?_

"Please, I don't want him to die."

_We will do everything in our power to make sure that doesn't happen, Reiner._

"It's all my fault, oh my god.  He's going to die... Oh my god..."

_Reiner, stay with me._

"The ambulance is here I can hear the sirens, oh my god, please... please save him!"

_Reiner, let me know when the medics arrive._

"They're in the room now, they're here."

_Okay, Reiner, I'm going to hang up now.  The medics will help you._

"Okay thank you."

I hang up the phone and tell the same information I told the 911 dispatcher to the paramedics.  This feels like a dream, a horrible dream and as they take Bertholdt out on a stretcher, I black out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope I didn't hurt yall too much....


	13. New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't you slip away from me  
> It's you I live for  
> Don't you leave no  
> Don't you slip away from me  
> I'm vulnerable to your love  
> [[x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPRsTrQA0cU)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER! holy cow i just finished my first long(ish) multi chapter fic... Sorry it took me so long to update I've been being a gross piece of shit in the free! fandom lol  
> I'm not sure how I feel about its conclusion but I know if I didn't just get it out I'd never write it... Sorry if it's disappointing.  
> Anyway, hope you enjoy, regardless!

The only thing I remember is the sound of machines beeping.  The high pitched repetitive noises keep breaking through the grayness, reaching my brain, picking the surface of my dormant consciousness.  Each beep is a tiny hook, sinking into the heavy weight of peaceful slumber, tugging, trying to uncover my state of self awareness.  But I am too deep.  The ocean has swallowed me up and I don't even notice when water fills my lungs and I willingly sink into the dark depths.

* * *

 

I feel betrayed.  The beeping sounds get louder and my body responds, pulling me up out of oblivion.  It's a slow process, and I can't fight it as much as I try to reach towards the black, peaceful silence.  The hooks have sunken in and taken hold.  I'm dragged towards the light, the land of the living, the surface.  No, _I don't want to wake up, I don't want to breathe_.  Muffled voices join the mechanical, rhythmic beeps, and I'm starting to feel my grip slip, sweet sleep slipping through my fingers in slow motion.  My eyes flutter.  I can feel my face.  It feels like I've been hit by a truck and am stuck under its tire.  This is too hard, too much effort.

When I open my eyes I only see light.  Is this what it feels like to be dead?  Lethargic and half drowned?  This is worse than sleep paralysis, this is _awful_.  I close my eyes again.

"-oldt?"

A voice.  It's soft, far away.

"Bertholdt?"

It's warm, safe.  I like that voice.

"-ou hear me, hone-"

This _must_ be the afterlife.  I need to follow that voice.

* * *

 

"Bertholdt, baby, can you hear me?"

I open my eyes.  Everything is blurry until I blink a few times.

"Oh thank god!"

I look towards the voice and see a shape not even a foot away from me, and I feel warmth on my forehead.  I smell peaches.

"Honey, can you hear me?"

I nod my head.  The shape becomes clearer and I see my mother, standing over me.  I blink in confusion, because what is my mom doing here?  I'm dead.  She has bags under her eyes and her hair isn't styled, and I find that so _strange_.  My mom _never_ looks like this, not even when my dad left us.  Maybe she's an angel.  A tired, overworked angel.

"M-mom?"

My throat hurts and I can barely make out a whisper.  My mom nods and smiles, tears falling down her face.

"Yes, Bertholdt, I'm here."

This doesn't make any sense.

"Mom, why are you crying?"

I feel her fingers lace in mine.  It's an odd sensation, feeling my hand but not being able to pull my arm up and _see_ my hand.  I don't feel like I have a physical body.  Other than feeling like I'm a thousand pounds.

"Because you're okay, baby.  You're _alive_."

I let her words sink in.  Alive?  "Where am I?"

She squeezes my hand.  "In the hospital, my baby."

I'm not dead.  _I'm not dead_.

"Where's Reiner?"

My mom's face softens and a tear slips out, falling down the track of the previously shed ones.  "He's in the psychiatric ward.  He had an episode after he found you and called the cops."

I can tell she's trying to put it lightly.  But I need to hear it.  "He found me?"

"He found you in your room after he called his mother.  Bertholdt, darling, we knew something was wrong between you two.  That's why we had you tell him to call us.  We didn't realize how serious it was."

"He didn't remember, mom."

Her thumb smoothes over mine.  "We know, baby.  He is being evaluated."

"Will he be okay?"  _Will Reiner come back to me?_

"We hope so, honey.  Remembering was a lot for him to handle."

I close my eyes.  Reiner remembers.  _Reiner found me._

I don't smile, no, but I feel a sense of calm wash over me as I fall back asleep.

* * *

 

_One month later_

The tv is on a low volume, providing me with idle noise in the background.  I sit on the couch, curled up in a blanket, petting Dag, short for Dagny, and Nova, the two cats me and my mother adopted a week after I came home from the hospital.  The sisters were a bonded pair, and needed to be adopted together.  I thought they were perfect, and I knew we could give them that home, the home where they never had to be separated.  I know too well the pain of having the one you love taken away.  No one should go through that.  Nova lets out a little squeak as she stretches and places her paw on my knee while Dag cracks open an eye to watch her sister's every move.  They are perfect.  They help me feel hopeful.  They help distract my thoughts from turning dark.

"Bertholdt, I made you some lunch before I leave to go grocery shopping."  My mother walks in and places a plate down on the table tray.  She brushes my hair back.  "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm okay."

I let her fuss over me a little longer while I stroke the soft fur behind Dag's ear.  A knock at the door makes me jump and the cats look up in the direction of the sound.  My mother smiles a little and makes her way over.  I hear the door swing open.

"Oh, Armin!  Come in, come in.  Bertholdt's over in the living room."

Friends have been visiting me once I gave my mom the okay to allow them.  I haven't had the energy to call them up myself.  This friend in particular, though, I'm not sure how to handle.

"Um, hi, Bertholdt."  Armin is standing in the doorway look at me with soft eyes and a sad smile.  "Is it okay if I come in?"

I nod.  He walks over to the other end of the couch and sits down.  "What are their names?"  I look down at the cats sitting between us.

"Dag and Nova.  I just got them not too long ago.”

Armin scratches the top of Nova's head, who gets up and head butts his arm.

"I think they like you."

Armin giggles.  "You think?"  I nod.

"So... Um.  I want to apologize, Bertholdt."  Armin's voice is small.  I shoot a quick glance at him and then look down.

"It's... it's not your fault."

"It's not, no.  But that doesn't change the fact that it happened.  I didn't know.  I didn't know he was having memory problems.  I would have never..."  Armin trails off and looks at a spot on the floor before continuing.  "I would have never pursued him.  I would have never asked you about him."

I shrug and pick at a thread on the blanket I'm wrapped in.  "I'm not mad at you."

I feel Armin's hand on my shoulder and look up to be met with his watery gaze.  He wipes tears away before they can fall and he smiles at me.  By some miracle, I smile back.  It wasn't Armin's fault.  He must feel terrible, too.  After all, he lost a boyfriend, or rather, discovered his boyfriend wasn't what he thought he was.  I place my hand over his.

"Thank you, Bertholdt."

I chew at my lip trying to find the words to express how I feel.  Armin needs closure just as much as I do.

"I... I'm sorry I never told you.  That time you asked me about him.  If I had been braver, none of this would have happened.  I was scared and because of that, we all got hurt in the end."

Armin stares at me with wide eyes.

"Bertholdt... don't... don't say such a thing!  This isn't your fault.  None of it is.  All three of us could have done things differently, but we didn't, and it's in the past.  I was too caught up in having my first boyfriend.  I wish it could have happened another way, with someone else.  I'm not saying I regret my time with Reiner, because he helped me admit a lot about myself to others.  But I wish it wasn't under these circumstances."  Armin looked down at Nova and ran his hand along her back.  "I just want you to know that I realize the Reiner I dated isn't the Reiner who you dated.  The Reiner I dated was in denial.  It hurts, but I can get through it.  I'm a big boy.  I want you to know that I understand what happened, that I'm not stuck on an idea of him that was never true."

My vision is getting blurry and hot, tears obscuring my vision.  "Okay.  I believe you.  Thank you, Armin."

I blink away the moisture, wiping my eyes.  "Armin."

He looks at me.

"We should hang out more.  Get through this together."

I don't know what made me say it.  Maybe it was out of desperation to be with someone else who is going through this with me.  Armin is just as much a part of it as Reiner and I am.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  I saw where that got me.

"Yes!  I'd love that, Bertholdt!"

We both smile at each other and relax into comfortable silence.

"Have... have you seen Reiner yet?"

I shake my head.  "He's coming home in a week.  I'll see him then."  My shoulders sag.  I'm not sure what to expect.  Armin seems to understand my apprehension and nods.

"Whatever happens, none of us are at fault.  Remember that, Bertholdt.  Because I have a feeling Reiner isn't going to let himself off the hook so easily."

I sigh.  "You're probably right."

Armin takes my hand and squeezes.  We stay like that for a while until my mother comes home and we help her unload the groceries.  Armin ends up staying for dinner and then gets on his way home.  I turn to my mom and bury my face in her neck after we shut and lock the front door.

"You okay, honey?"

I let out a muffled noise that vaguely resembles a _yes_.  She pats the back of my head and kisses my temple.

"Come on, baby, let's get you to bed.  You went through a lot today."

I pull back and smile.

"It was good, though."

The light shining in her eyes makes me want to cry.  She looks so _proud_.

"I love you, Bertholdt."

"Love you too, mom."

* * *

 

Reiner sits pretzel style on my living room floor with his hands in his lap like dead weight.  He won't look up at me.  Nova rubs her head on his knee.

"That's Nova."

Reiner moves his eyes to look at the black cat but doesn't make a move to pet her.  I kneel on the floor in front of him and put Dag in his lap.  The little tuxedo furred cat immediately rolls on her back and latches on to my hand like it's a toy.

"And this is Dagny.  We call her Dag for short.  Dagny means "new day" and Nova means "new."  I named them that because they give me hope for the future.  They're sisters.  They had to be adopted together so we got them both."

Reiner finally lifts his hand and pets Dag on her head, going far enough to let a small smile grace his features when she grabs his hand and chews on his knuckle.

"She's cute."

It's the first time I've heard his voice in over a month and it makes my heart feel weak.  He flicks his eyes to mine and we make eye contact, trapping each other in our gazes.  He's the first one to lose his composure and his face cracks as he squeezes his eyes shut and starts to cry.  I get flash backs to that day we were in his bathroom and he caught me trying to find his father's razor.  I said I never wanted to see him like that again.  Sometimes, life is unfair.

"I'm sorry I broke my promise."

Reiner looks up at me and sniffs, wiping his nose on the back of his hand.  "What?"

I play with a piece of cat hair on the carpet.  "I... I said I'm sorry I broke my promise."

Reiner looks at me like his heart is breaking all over.  I shrug and look away.  "I said I wouldn't ever do that again to you.  I promised.  I'm sorry, Reiner."

"...Bertholdt."

I try not to let my lip wibble, but it does, and I give into the trembling and cover my face.  Heavy hands hold my shoulders and pull me into a warm chest.  Dagny darts out from between us, her tail flicking in annoyance as she looks at us completely offended, as I cave in and sob into Reiner, clutching onto his shirt in an iron grip.  I can feel his body shaking with his own cries, and we stay like that, wrapped in each other, overcome with despair but also relief.

"Bertholdt.  I broke my promise, too.  I failed you.  You tried to come to me, but I wasn't home.  I couldn't find you."

I shake my head, smearing snot into his shoulder.  "It's not your fault, Reiner.  You didn't mean it."

"It is my fault though.  I wasn't there for you... I said.. I told you that you could _always, always_ come to me, and I let you fall."

"No, it's not your fault.  You didn't know.  I don't blame you.  Just like you said Marcel doesn't blame me."

Reiner lets out another gross sob and holds me tighter.

"I forgive you, Reiner.  Armin forgives you.  I've been thinking a lot, lately.  I want us to find our home.  For real this time."

Reiner pulls back.  "You've talked to Armin?"  His voice sounds unsteady and cracks at Armin's name, almost like he doesn't want to feel the sound of it on his tongue.  I nod.

"A week ago.  We talked a lot.  He doesn't blame you, or me.  He doesn't want you to blame yourself, either.  I suppose you'll talk to him soon, but it was a good talk, Reiner.  He understands what happened."

Reiner holds his head and massages his temples.  "It's just... these damn headaches.  I'm still so confused, Bertholdt.  Sometimes, like now, I can see clearly, but other times I feel like I'm in a haze.  I can't remember things.  It really scares me when I wake up from it.  I barely remember anything that happened since I found you in your bed after you... after I called 911."

I caress his face, wiping a tear away with my thumb.  "I know, Reiner.  I know."

"I'm _scared_ , Bertholdt."

Oh, Reiner.  My beautiful, strong Reiner.  Sometimes, the protector needs to be protected.  I wrap my arms back around his neck.

"It's okay to be scared, Reiner.  Because you found me, and now I found you.  We will always come back to each other.  No matter how far your mind might wander, it will always come back to us.  You _will always come back_."

I put our foreheads together and Reiner's eyes fill with something akin to determination.  I take his hand in mine and bring it to my lips.

"I love you, Reiner.  I'm so sorry."

He closes his eyes and exhales.  "I love you, too.  So much."

This will take time.  But we are back together, we are back home.

* * *

 

_Three years later_

Our house is  small, secluded, and _perfect_.  We moved here just a year ago, when we were both sure that we were ready to take the next step in our lives.  Dag and Nova are sleeping in the sunlight, and I'm waiting for Reiner to get back home from class so we can go to his psychologist's appointment.  He picked up nursing classes again three months ago at a small community college.  He'll be home in an hour and then we'll get in the car and talk about our days, mostly his day because I'm home and nothing exciting really happens.  Although I'm not complaining.  I think I was meant to be a home maker.

My mother calls me every day, and Reiner's family is over every week for dinner.  For the first time in my entire life, I don't feel hopeless.  I don't feel crushed.  I feel _thankful_ to be alive.  I'm not saying I'm jumping for joy and everything is _dandy_ , cause it's not, but actively working on my health, and _communicating_ with others fills me with purpose.  I have a goal.  Annie comes to my mind and now I can finally understand her words those years ago.

And there isn't only one goal.  Once I achieve one, another pops up.  And sometimes life throws speed bumps in your path, really fucking huge speed bumps, but I take it slow.  I know a lot of things now that I was too young to understand then.

The most important thing being that no matter how I feel in the moment, the future will always get better.  I believe that sentiment to the fullest because Reiner and I are living proof.  We are surviving.  But best of all, _we came home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3 <3 <3


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